Sociopaths In Our Midst Hate the Truth and Its Advocates

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November 12th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

What is the one thing a sociopath does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, sociopaths do not want the truth about them to be known as they are insecure, malicious, and devious people. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and rejected. That’s in large part because they use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If others were to know about their true nature, they realize that most would want nothing to do with them. They would lose the support networks of malicious minions they control and incite to abuse other people. Therefore sociopaths have a strong motivation to attack, discredit, harass, and ruin anybody who presents arguments and facts that might tend to raise questions and doubts about their behaviors and their false statements.

Many sociopaths are so insecure and malicious that they feel similarly motivated to go on the offensive, perhaps with lesser severity, in reaction to people who might embarrass them with obviously nasty (to them) comments like “Is that lettuce stuck between your teeth?” or “Your car is filthy! There’s a $3 carwash special across the street.” If that gets them unhinged, just imagine what being exposed as a child abuser, false accuser, liar, or thief will do.

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Sociopaths Experts At Blaming Others, Greatly Fear Being Blamed

Nobody likes to be blamed, but a responsible person will accept blame for something appropriate. Sociopaths don’t like to accept blame for anything, even if it is well-earned. While part of this is likely from their typically narcissistic “I’m better than you” and “rules don’t apply to me” attitudes, there’s more to it than that. They may realize that blaming is how they control others to harm the targets they viciously attack, often family members or former love interests. They understand both the destructive and defensive powers of blaming and make regular use of both.

Sociopaths may be especially cognizant of the risk that people whom they have used to abuse others might even turn against them, especially those who might be greatly angered by how they were manipulated into participating in destructive and harmful activities against others. People like to blame others. While sociopaths do it with extraordinary intensity and dishonesty, the people they manipulate are likely to do it, too. After all, a sociopath was able to manipulate them into unjustly attacking a former partner, a child’s other parent, teacher, doctor, counselor, therapist, or some other party the sociopath doesn’t like and that clearly demonstrates they are the sort of people who are into blaming others. Who is to say they won’t turn and attack the sociopath when they realize how they were used?

Sociopaths know that most people think that people like them are largely fictional, the sort of villains and criminals you see in movies or read about in the news. As Martha Stout’s book ”The Sociopath Next Door” makes clear, however, sociopaths are everywhere. Stout believes that about 4% of the US population is sociopathic.

(from Review of The Sociopath Next Door)

I’ve written many five-star reviews, but never have I been so motivated to try to convince everyone to read the book. Here’s why: one in twenty-five Americans is a sociopath, a figure psychologist Martha Stout obtained from three journal articles and a U.S. government source. Assuming this premise of The Sociopath Next Door is correct, or even if the figure is say one in 50, odds are you know at least one sociopath. He or she could be an abusive partner, the person in the next cubicle at work, your landlord, or the person your teenager is dating. Even if you can’t think of sociopath you know, you have high odds of encountering one. Given the havoc even one sociopath can wreak in one’s life, this book provides a sort of insurance that you’ll be able to identify him or her and deal with that person so they don’t harm you emotionally, financially, or in any other way. This is a well-written and well-researched book that I think will benefit the 96% of you who are not sociopaths.

To gain the benefits of “sociopath insurance” there are three portions of the book I believe are crucial for you to read: (1) the discussion of what is a sociopath along with her stories illustrating the different types of sociopaths, (BTW, those stories would make fine literary short stories with Stout’s descriptive language and suspense building.) (2) Stout’s “Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths in Everyday Life”, and (3) the discussion of how good people with consciences end up allowing sociopathic leaders to rise to power and do horrific acts. If you read just these sections and skip all the philosophical discussions about sociopaths, you will still gain a lot from this book.

One of the first topics covered is what a sociopath is. Stout gives us both the official diagnostic version from the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM IV (their diagnostic manual) as well as a sort of “street guide” of what to look for. Essentially, a sociopath will glibly lie, charm and use others, without a moment’s remorse over hurting anyone. They’re often, but not always, more charismatic, charming and sexy than the average person. Take murderer Scott Peterson for example (although Stout didn’t mention him): Women found him quite attractive and charming, and were quick to believe his lies. Most sociopaths are not murderers, (soley because they don’t want to get caught and go to prison) but will still wreak havoc lying, stealing, and manipulating people.

Some confuse sociopaths and psychopaths. That’s understandable as they use many of the same methods and often suffer from many of the same personality defects. Think of a sociopath as a psychopathic wolf disguised in sheep’s clothing, or as a psychopath who has learned how to act like somebody else most of the time to confuse her or his potential and actual victims.

Sociopaths Are Everywhere

I personally suspect that the 4% estimate is on the low side. The term “sociopath” is quite vague, it doesn’t have a precise diagnostic meaning in psychology. It’s more of a general reference to a broad set of behaviors suggesting that a person is so self-centered and without conscience that he or she tends to act without behavioral boundaries. But in terms of treating one of these people or better understanding their particular flavor of sociopathy, there are much more precise terms available. There is a very large overlap in actions and thoughts between sociopaths and “acting out” Borderlines, Narcissists, Antisocials, and Histrionics (the DSM-IV Axis II Cluster B personality disorders), so much so that they could be referred to as “sociopathic personality disorders” with a good degree of accuracy. Recent research suggests that BPD and NPD each can be found in around 6% of the population and that 20% of Americans suffer from personality disorders (not all of which are the cluster B disorders — some are quite benign such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder), so there’s reason to believe that 4% might not account for all the sociopaths in our midst. Given the difficulty of diagnosing many of these personality disorders often defined in part by sociopathic behaviors, it also suggests that even experts may not be able to readily identify people with sociopathic behaviors.

Sociopaths and Borderlines and Narcissists are also often confused with one another. Not all Borderlines and Narcissists are sociopaths. The sociopathic ones who are a subset who engage in “acting out” behaviors to harm and control others, not the “acting in” type who are so traumatized by their inner demons that they mostly hurt themselves.

Since so many sociopathic abusers meet the diagnostic criteria of having one or more personality disorders, I’ve sometimes referred to them as “personality disordered abusers” (PDA for short) to emphasize that these are not just people with annoying or frustrating behaviors due to personality disorders. Merely having a personality disorder does not make one an abuser or a sociopath. The Histrionic who gets so agitated that she can’t shut up under stress or the promiscuous Borderline alcoholic might not qualify as true abusers, despite being very troubled people. But a person who does suffer from one of these Cluster B personality disorders who engages in the abusive tactics used to harm others that are discussed in this article certainly do qualify as abusers.

Blame-Shifting, Framing, and False Accusations

Blame-shifting is one of the most common means of “self-defense” used by abusers and it can readily be used for offensive purposes, too. Many budding sociopaths in the making learn to do blame-shifting with great skill from being abused themselves and wanting to escape it. Such a person who has knocked over and smashed mother’s vase and knows she’ll take out a belt and start whipping as a punishment might blame the 18 month old sibling who can’t defend himself, even engaging in framing by moving the broken vase, putting glass shards on the baby, and pretending to have been in another room when it happened all to make it more convincing.

From this starting point, sociopaths may move on to use blame-shifting, framing, and false accusations to attack and persecute people they don’t like. Don’t like the way that boy looked at you in class? Falsely accused him of sticking his hands down your pants to get him expelled. Don’t like the way your wife questioned why the car is dented yet again from yet another reckless driving episodes? Blame her for being an unreasonable bitch and that she herself dented the car and didn’t tell you.

Blame-shifting, framing, and false accusations are mainstay abuse tactics for sociopaths. If you are being subjected to any of these, it’s highly likely you’re dealing with a sociopath. That’s particularly the case when false accusations are being directed towards government authorities in order to get you in trouble with police, courts, CPS, or other agencies that often side with sociopaths.

Verbal Abuse

Sociopaths generally have a strong narcissistic streak, even if they may not meet the formal definition for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, they feel driven to show that they are better than you and/or that you are a very bad person. Consequently, they often use verbal abuse tactics. Yelling, swearing, or insulting another person now and then is something that most people will do in an argument. But sociopaths use these tactics as means to control and dominate others, not merely as means to express their internal turmoil such as a normal person might due in a heated argument.

If you’re being verbally abused, it’s possible that your abuser might be a sociopath. But you need to look at the context and motivations. If you smashed into another person’s car after accidentally shifting into reverse at a stop light, being yelled at and insulted might not be unexpected. But if you did nothing unusual or aggressive and yet find yourself berated, demeaned, and insulted, you may be dealing with a sociopathic abuser.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often very subtle and pervasive. As such, it can escape notice until it has done a lot of damage to its victims.

Emotional abusers tend to be domineering, controlling, and refuse to consider the opinions or feelings of others. Many would describe them as being incapable of empathy. They seldom admit to making mistakes, rarely or never apologize for anything, and may resort to blame-shifting when in a situation in which it is very clear they did make a mistake and owe somebody else an apology. A list of common behaviors of emotional abusers may help you determine if you’re suffering from this kind of abuse.

A quiz on emotionally abusive relationships might help you determine if you are being subjected to emotional abuse in the context of a close relationships. Often, the best signs are your own feelings. Are you feeling depressed and anxious, particularly when you think about your relationship with a possible abuser? Do you feel afraid of this other person due to what they may or do say to you? Do you feel like you must avoid this person? Do you have generally have anxious and uneasy feelings and trouble sleeping, but find these go away when you are on a business trip or vacation away from the person you suspect may be emotionally abusing you? All of these are signs of emotional abuse.

Many people besides full-blown sociopaths engage in emotional abuse at times, so again you have to consider the overall context and general nature of interactions with a person.

Parental alienators, people who aim to destroy relationships between children and a parent and other relatives, are often guilty of engaging in far more emotional abuse than just the harm they are doing to the children. If you understand that somebody is perpetrating moderate to severe parental alienation, you should be willing to strongly consider that such a person has also engaged in emotional abuse against other people, too, and may be a sociopath.

Complicating matters even more, somebody who has been emotionally abused is likely to view any attempt to control, influence, or criticize them as further emotional abuse no matter how well-intentioned it may be. For instance, a child who was severely abused emotionally may grow up to have trouble in all close relationships. A girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse who criticizes them in some way may be perceived as being emotionally abusive because it triggers the same kinds of anxieties, fears, and insecurities triggered by the original sociopath abuser.

Recovering from emotional abuse is a hugely complicated and time-consuming task, in my estimation far worse than most cases of physical abuse. Therapist Beverly Engel contends that people who have been emotionally abused are likely to repeatedly enmesh themselves in future emotionally abusive relationships in which they may function as both victim and abuser.

(from Relationships and Divorces with Someone Who Suffers Borderline Personality Disorder)

There is help available for those being abused by Borderlines and those suffering similar conditions that drive them to emotionally abuse their loved ones. Identifying and understanding the emotionally abusive behaviors is the first step. In her book ”The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing”, Beverly Engel points out that many couples can remain trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship without realizing how destructive and dysfunctional it really is.

Without intervention, the cycle of abuse continues, resulting in severe psychological damage and possibly another generation of emotionally abusive relationships. Engel’s book covers the gamut of emotional abuse from the less serious to the truly terrifying. She explains how even normally non-abusive people when treated abusively for long periods can eventually retaliate with emotional abuse of their own. This is a further scenario of how the cycle of abuse can turn adult abuse victims into abusers, much like happens to many abused children who become abusive partners and parents.

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, Engel believes you must come to terms with abuse or neglect in your past. Her book helps readers identify their “original abuser” (often a parent), identify traits in partners that are related to that abuse, and how to overcome the emotional abuse. She suggests methods to work with a partner who is willing to make some changes as well as things to do when there is no chance of stopping the abuse without ending the relationship. In order to minimize the chance of establishing yet another emotionally abusive relationship, it is critical to understand the emotional abuse cycle and one’s involvement in it before proceeding to a new relationship. Engel’s book helps readers with this challenge, too.

Physical Abuse

Physical violence is another tactic that sociopaths may use to control others, but again it is not always a strong indicator of a sociopathic personality on its own. As with the general categories of verbal and emotional abuse, context and motivation are important to evaluating the full meaning of violence. In particular, cultural considerations are very important to considering whether physical violence is abuse or not, particularly in regards to parent/child relationships. It’s considered “normal behavior” in many cultures to physically punish a child via striking, hitting, confining, or starving a child to the point of discomfort or pain in response to perceived serious misbehavior. While this doesn’t make it right, it does mean that somebody who doesn’t violate these cultural norms is less likely to be a sociopath than somebody who does.

Economic and Legal Abuse

Economic and legal abuse go hand in hand. That’s often because the people who are engaging in these abuses are using the courts to aid them. Many good people who are not harming anybody else end up being hauled into court over and over based upon false allegations and overreactions with the intent of badgering them, financially damaging them, and breaking them psychologically by using the court system to do it. The courts most commonly involved in this are family law courts as they excel as tools of abuse. As some experts such as William Eddy have suggested, nearly half of the litigation in these courts is being driven by “high conflict personalities”, many of whom are often evident sociopaths to the people who truly know them.

(from Telling Your Nasty Ex About BPD or NPD May Hurt You)

Personality disorders are a growing problem in the United States. Recent NIH studies indicate that 20% or more of Americans suffer from one or more personality disorders. Author Bill Eddy points out that in his experience about half of “High Conflict Personalities” (or HCPs) involved in destructive divorce and child custody battles probably do have one or more full-blown personality disorders. The other half may not meet all the criteria for a full-blown personality disorder yet still show many traits consistent with troublesome personality disorders such as BPD and NPD.

Not only do family law courts facilitate economic and legal abuse, they usually add more of their own. No surprise here as many of the judges sitting in these courts are sociopaths themselves as evidenced by their biased and malicious conduct and consistently rewarding abusive tactics. You see case after case of parents being falsely accused of drug abuse, alcoholism, child abuse, pornography, physical violence, etc. and judges acting “cautiously” by stripping the falsely accused parents of their rights and banning their children from seeing them. When months or years later these parents manage to conclusively demonstrate that the accusations were false, the sociopathic judges in such cases will often side with the false accuser and do little to correct the wrongs done. They don’t want to admit having made a mistake, another sign of a sociopath.

The results of their own bad judicial decisions are then used as justification to continue the abuse. Having ripped children away from a good parent for years on false accusations, such judges will then rule that the severely lopsided child contact/custody arrangement will change little because the children are “doing fine” with the false accuser. Yet often these false accusers are also abusing the children via parental alienation child abuse, a form of emotional abuse designed to destroy the bonds between children and a parent and relatives on that parent’s side of the family.

Judges are some of the most dangerous sociopaths in our midst for reasons like this. Juries could help counteract these judicial sociopaths, but in the realms where they are most common (family law courts) there are no juries.

Abusers Create More Abusers

Regardless of whether an abuser is a full-blown sociopath, as abusers proceed to abuse others, they can incite such fear, anxiety, and confusion in their victims that the victims may start to act very poorly themselves. After hearing how you are a worthless son (or daughter) of a bitch, cheater, deadbeat, etc. every day for years, have your comings and goings tightly monitored, criticized, and controlled, and always wondering if you’re about to be attacked again, it’s not uncommon for such a person to eventually reach the breaking point and either retaliate or try to get the aggressor to go after somebody else.

It doesn’t require a history of child abuse to reach this point. Some of the folks who fall into this abyss were never abused until they met the sociopath they married. They may have thought they would help this person, needed to be with her or him, and felt very attached only to slowly succumb to the destruction of their personalities by abuse that started subtly at first. Over the years, the abuse grew into something that they would have recognized as abusive if they had openly encountered these behaviors prior to their personalities being damaged by years of living with an abuser. But by then, they are so confused into being highly self-critical or desensitized to the onslaught that being called a bastard good-for-nothing liar, slapped on the face, and having a food thrown at them in front of their children may evoke feelings of relief, for at least it wasn’t worse and didn’t involve a kitchen knife, frying pan, baseball bat, or gun. Some of them may believe they deserved worse and be thankful for the abuser being “kind” by attacking with a verbal barrage rather than a fist or foot in the face. These people are so traumatized that they feel truly helpless and hopeless, unable to defend themselves or afraid to do so until the beatings, whether physical or emotional or verbal, become so intense that they break and retaliate. You could describe them as potential future abusers struggling to escape from their emotionally devastation by any means they can. The longer they are subjected to ongoing abuse, the higher the risk of this break from their normal behaviors becoming something enduring, perhaps even a personality disorder in and of itself. This is how children so often develop personality disorders, but the same could happen with adults subjected to severe long-term abuse.

A lot of people’s foremost abusers are sociopaths. If their abusers were full-blown psychopaths, the odds are they would have been long ago caught and arrested due to the psychopath’s typical difficulty hiding their behaviors and thoughts. No matter how they try to withdraw and stay away from these people, the abuse continues. What happens in divorces with sociopaths is a prime example. The victim and the abuser have children together and courts often side with sociopaths. There is little the victim can do to defend himself or herself and the children from years, even decades, of abuse instigated by the sociopathic ex-partner and enabled by the courts and government.

The divorcing or divorced sociopath may not even directly do a lot of the worst abuse any more. These people tend to build communities of people they control and manipulate to lie, perjure, attack, harass, steal, and solicit others to do the same. If the victim speaks up in self-defense, often that is viewed as evidence that he or she is some kind of monster. Psychologists often refer to this as an example of “confirmatory bias” on the part of the community of abusers. The sociopath quickly rallies the evil minions to escalate the abuse in retaliation as victim engaging in self-defense is intolerable.

Even if the victim does nothing, it is often only a matter of time before the sociopath feels the need to attack yet again. Sociopaths get nervous when other people are not hurting, suffering, and reeling from their evil deeds.

Why Sociopaths Get Away With Abuse

Not only have I been through experiences like this myself, I’ve seen and heard of what has happened to many others at the hands of sociopathic abusers who are not punished or stopped. Many of them are both encouraged and rewarded for their abuses, often by family law courts. This seems to happen for a few reasons.

One of the foremost reasons is that the general public is so completely uneducated about the full scope of the abuse problem and the psychological origins, nature, and tactics of abusers that they have trouble believing that the doctor, clerk, housewife, or soccer mom they know and have seen weekly for years is an abuser. Anybody can be an abuser, regardless of age, gender, occupation, religious orientation, sexual orientation, or social status. Most people do not understand this. They have an inkling of understanding of con artists, school bullies, and malicious bosses as being abusive, but they do not understand that those sorts of people are often the most easily detected sociopaths because they engage in their sociopathic behaviors outside the confines of a family.

Many may have inaccurate beliefs like “lesbians cannot be abusers” because they have bought into the false domestic violence dogma popularized by irresponsible and selfish organizations that claim only men are abusers. Yet there are actually studies of violence in same-sex and bisexual couples that strongly show that female-on-female abuse is quite common.

Secondly, these people often mistake the reaction of the abuse victims (or people trying to help them) as an indication of the victims being abusers and the abusers being victims. While “battered wife syndrome” in which the abused wife kills the abusive husband in desperation has been popularized, the fact is that many victims engage in similar attempts to defend themselves from abusers and never reach the point of physical violence. They may file a police report regarding a crime, create a website refuting the lies being spread about them, or simply try to get others to stop attacking them by explaining reality as they see it.

What happens next is that often the victim will be falsely painted as the abuser or aggressor. After all, the ignorant public reasons, isn’t it so horrible that somebody would accuse that doctor, clerk, housewife, or soccer mom of being a liar who threatens, berates, and physically attacks another person? Why it must be all lies! Let’s gang up on that person for lying! The sociopath is happy to help fire up their misguided malicious sheep into a fury to further attack the victim. This is easy to do as the sheep are too ignorant and biased to understand how they are being used, even if substantive evidence is put right in front of their faces and explained to them.

Thirdly, sociopathic abusers often engage in distortion campaigns to control and manipulate others to prejudice them into having false beliefs about the victim. By the time the victim of the campaign is aware of it, he or she may have been routinely trashed and lied about for several years to the point that anything he or she says or does will somehow be interpreted as evidence of them being the problem. They may find they have been falsely accused of having affairs, committing crimes, engaging in abuse, etc. for years and try to defend themselves, only to be told that nobody believes them and that nobody will even listen. The most effective sociopaths are often even able to turn parents and siblings against an abused spouse, or at least to so thoroughly confuse them that they will not take sides to protect the actual victim.

Sociopaths often use projection to hide their actions. They will scream bloody murder about all sorts of “crimes” and “ethical violations” that their victim has not done to hide that they themselves have been doing such things. Yet getting the sociopath’s minions to understand this is a Herculean task. Even if the target of abuse shows proof that it was actually the sociopathic false accuser who was having the affairs, committing crimes, and engaging in abuse and shares that proof that with parties who are being lied by the actual abuser, they will generally be brushed off, told to go away, or threatened and attacked further. This is a common pattern with friends and family of the abuser who might naturally be expected to take sides without regard to facts. But it also is common with church people, courts, custody evaluators, psychologists, therapists, and others who should know better.

Defenders Against Sociopathy

Many psychologists, victims, and others who have seen the devastation sociopaths can inflict upon others feel a strong moral obligation to help both aggrieved victims and potential victims alike. They reason that teaching people about how common sociopaths are, how they think and operate, and the type of damage they cause can be of tremendous help. As Ben Franklin said, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Education and awareness is one form of prevention as well as being a tremendous comfort to those who have suffered from sociopaths and felt very much alone because they didn’t understand how common the abusive tactics used by sociopaths are.

This is where people like Dr. Tara Palmatier come into the picture. Somewhat like Erin Pizzey, a domestic violence activist who got her start in women’s shelters and quickly learned that so many of her clients were as or more abusive than the men whom they blamed and railed against, Palmatier also worked with female victims of domestic violence. This is not a coincidence. Domestic violence is not gender-specific, contrary to the inaccurate dogma promulgated by organizations that have something to gain from lying about the nature of domestic violence. When you spend time around people who are engaging in it and/or claim to be victims of it, one thing you often notice is that these people typically share a history of being abused during their childhoods. Some of them do not even understand they were abused. They think mind games, verbal attacks, and emotional manipulation are normal behaviors and that child abuse is strictly physical or sexual abuse. The abused tend to become abusers at a much higher rate, even if they realize they were abused. They were conditioned to live in an environment of fear and unjust threats and manipulations and were amply shown how to control other people with abusive tactics. It is no wonder they try to do this to others. It is second nature to them. For most, their childhoods featured prominent home-schooling for sociopaths.

Many of the sociopaths recruit others to help them, typically using lies, distortions, and other people’s own experiences to convince them that they should help ruin another person’s life. Bill Eddy calls them “negative advocates” in many of his writings. I’ve often called them the “minions” of the sociopath. Some of these minions later realize that they were used to harm innocent people and end up feeling very bad about their own actions. A recent comment on Dr. Tara Palmatier’s article Why Some High-Conflict Personality Women Kill paints a fairly typical picture of how narcissistic sociopaths can recruit others to become negative advocates and join in their terrorism:

(from Comment by artemis)

I was an NA!! I am a female – 41 years old – divorced 4.5 years. I developed a friendship with another female (we had both just left our husbands when we met) who is clearly (it’s clear to me now) a BPD/NPD. I was her NA. I believed EVERYTHING she told me about her “abusive” ex so I assisted her (the things I did were not things that she felt herself capable of doing (the learned helplessness thing)). I explained all her (GOBS!) of legal paperwork to her because she kept taking her poor hapless ex to court (he has money) to fight about the kids. I dumped her about 3 months ago when she started stalking (terrorizing is more like it) her ex BF. Her texts and emails were sick and revolting and really abusive. I realize now (when I step back and look at all the behavior) that she is an abuser (she was abused as a kid). Dr. Tara’s blog has been very helpful to me in seeing her behavior. I did apologize to her ex….he also admitted to being an emotionally battered husband (he said that he never realized it until I asked).

I can also comment to how to deal with a NPD ex and not lash out. My ex is likely NPD. He blows up, rages, flips out on the kids (my youngest coined it: when daddy’s head blows on fire). You have to go at them sideways….you can’t lead a full on frontal assault (calling them narcissistic etc…) or they will rage and freak out on you (which is the last thing you want). No doubt, women NPDs are a little different (more driven by emotions?), but not that much different. you have to draw some line of (fake) understanding with them (“I get why you think that but….”) in order to get them on board with whatever it is you need for the kids. Plus, I have learned that educating older kids is imperative so that they can understand that it’s not them (the reason their parent’s head blows on fire and they get blamed for some dumb transgression against the perfection of that parent’s vision for them). My oldest is a brilliant, beautiful, talented, honors student who can’t do anything right in his eyes (unless of course we are in front of other people in which case he tells her how proud he is).

Oh, and I get no spousal or child support of any kind. We are middle class and each “pay our own way” post divorce. He is a very “stand up” guy in public, but he drinks too much and blows up in private. He is the most arrogant, self aggrandizing blow hard I’ve ever known (but was super sweet and attentive when we first got together). He insists on perfection from his family and yet carries around 80 extra pounds. He tells me how he “brags about how I’m the best ex wife ever” and then tells our girls what an irresponsible parent I am….His last GF (1 year) also dumped him saying he was a condescending jerk to her constantly. I could deal with him except for how he treats our amazing daughter. every time I am around him I want to just get away from him.

I am a scientist, but want to go back to school (law) to become a men’s family court advocate. I’m disgusted at how poorly men get treated in the family court system.

Unlike “artemis”, most minions probably never understand how wrong they were. If they do, they are probably too embarrassed to dare apologize to their victims. But she’s now aware enough to realize that she wants to become part of the solution by helping in the fight against sociopaths and the harm they do to others.

To be clear, not everybody who was abused as a child becomes an abuser or turns other people into abusers. Indeed I know several people who were abused as children who have not become abusive adults themselves. But it is a major risk factor. To hide or deny this is a huge mistake. Even if they don’t become abusers, these people often are very damaged and need a great deal of help and time to recover. They often have trouble trusting others or themselves and knowing how to set boundaries on the behaviors of others and themselves. While the adaptations very greatly from person to person, some may have simply learned to tolerate any abuse, perhaps even justifying it by intense self-blame, and therefore fail to put boundaries on the actions of others. These former abuse victims become easy targets for future abusers, but are not likely to engage in sociopathic behaviors that harm others. When put into abusive or intensely uncomfortable situations, such people can be triggered into emotional turmoil that may bring out counterproductive behaviors. Some such behaviors may have a flavor of the abuse they themselves endured or behaviors their abused siblings used to escape the abuse, perhaps by self-deprecating or even physically harming themselves to forestall even worse abuse they fear would be forthcoming otherwise.

You may not be sufficiently motivated or have enough time or skills to write books, deliver speeches, run websites, and fight for reforms to stop the sociopaths abusers in out midst as Dr. Tara Palmatier and Erin Pizzey have done. But what you can easily do is to share information with your family and friends to help protect them against these people. Just like you warn your children about the dangers of talking with strangers and your family and friends about shady businesspeople who ripped you off, you should also be warning them about sociopaths, how common they are, and how they operate. The best defense against these people is awareness and education. Please take a minute to share articles on sociopathic abuse, personality disorders, parental alienation, and other related problems in society with your family and friends via your Facebook account, email, or other means.

Further Reading

Male Domestic Violence Victims Suffer from Wrongful Gender Bias

Telling Your Nasty Ex About BPD or NPD May Hurt You

How Sociopathic Parents Use Police Reports for Defamation

Escaping Sociopathic Abuse Almost Impossible When Children Are Involved

PDA Spam Attack on Shrink4Men Hints at Cyberwarfare Style Distortion Campaigns

Personality Disordered Abusers in Family Law Courts

Recovering from Personality Disordered Abusive Relationships

Erin Pizzey, Domestic Violence Pioneer

  1. Che
    November 27th, 2010 at 08:51 | #1

    My brother is a sociopath. He’s a liar, an alcoholic, a wife beater, and a pedophile. He has turned my family against me and lied about everything his whole life. He even lies when it gains him nothing (but imagined esteem). He can’t hold down a job (which is, of course, every one else’s fault) and his first victim, our younger sister, is his most loyal hench-person – particularly in his malice toward me…she doesn’t even remember what he did.

    His name is Damian Christopher van der Merwe.

  2. Andreia
    March 11th, 2011 at 20:59 | #2

    This article is full of lies. Sociopaths generally don’t care if their discovered, they’ll leave wherever are get a new identity. Well, I would. We don’t fear being blamed, we just manipulate our way out of it. The differences between a Sociopath and a Psychopath are also clear. A sociopath is disorganized, a Psychopath tend to be very organized. A psychopath doesn’t know right from wrong, a sociopath does but just doesn’t care. BTW, Where did you get the ‘abused become abusers’ fact? That almost made me laugh. 🙂 The abused has feelings, that’s why he’s so easy to bully. He couldn’t put others through the pain, because he is mentally weak. Sociopaths are typically very charming people, not as likely to get caught as your average bully. Wonderful people, really. Some people just don’t give us the chance. What’s wrong with defending us? We make you people feel happy, Isn’t that what you like in life?
    And back to the very first sentence: If the truth benefits us, we’ll make sure everyone knows it.
    I don’t see why you have a problem with Sociopaths, honestly.

  3. Bob
    May 29th, 2011 at 09:19 | #3

    Andreia, Right off, your comment is full of “lies”. Sociopaths are obsessed and terrified of being discovered. Image and appearence are everything to you freaks. The reason you sub-species of human are such a problem is because you are all parasites and simply do not pull your own weight. You may appear to, but that is all. Others in some form or another have to pick up the tab. Saying your type are cowards would be an understatement. You freaks only go after people who are in a vunerable condition, nothing so brave about that, but since your inferiority complex is so intense, it still makes you feel better, so what is so great about that? You’re projecting in your entire statement. Sociopaths are the ones who are mentally weak. That’s why all of you live in a constant state of “pretend”. Eskimo tribes actually kill the sociopaths in their communites because they are a burden and cause alot of dissention, causing others not to work together. And since they are to lazy to hunt, “pull their own weight”, they are worthless. 🙂 loser-wannabe-pretender-parasite

  4. Donna
    October 6th, 2011 at 15:45 | #4

    @ Bob
    Wow! Your comment to Andreia is right out of my head and through your mouth (or, rather, through your typing fingers!) Thank you for saying it, and saying it so well! My entire life and family have been so irreparable damaged by one of those disgusting parasites that when I read a comment like Andreia’s I can’t even get past the traumatic restimulation of it long enough to respond!
    Prior to meeting that piece of scum sociopath I was a happy healthy person with a close family. Now I am suffering from PTSD, scrambling to find treatment while I also try to battle breast cancer – and all of it, by myself, since my entire close family is broken apart. Never did I imagine some weak awful person could so hugely affect my entire life! And the people I love, who used to love me, all believe I am “giving him” this power. I’d give or do anything to find my way out of this!

  5. Donna
    October 6th, 2011 at 15:53 | #5

    And, there it is! That desire to expose them!(by including his name) When I think hard about what I want, what would help, what would make me feel somehow better after being destroyed by a despicable sociopath myself, I don’t want violence, I don’t want to add pain to the world – I just want him exposed for what he is and what he did. My formerly happy family is completely destroyed, and he walked away scott free and seemingly squeeky clean! It adds traumatic insult to the trauma!

    @ Che

  6. AL
    January 2nd, 2012 at 02:32 | #6

    @Andreia Your sick

  7. One of Thousands
    January 2nd, 2012 at 14:53 | #7

    Happy New Year everyone–I hope you had a safe and enjoyable one.

    I don’t pray. Normally.

    Unless it’s something really important. Why bother God and Jesus with petty wishes?

    But my prayers, when they rarlely happen, will include AL and Andrei for the apparent hatred and misery they have been forced to consume. I am so sorry. Life can suck sometimes. Especially when someone you love hates you.

    It gets better.

    Love to all.

  8. January 22nd, 2012 at 17:07 | #8

    BIG Hello From Scotland !!!!

    Hi There,

    I’m Currently Doing-The-Rounds, around the Righteous Handful of Sites “Exposing” Moral-Imbeciles …. Although, I’ve sadly been met by several “hypocritical” keyboard-hardmen & Infantile-Females “territorially” suffering from “delusions of grandeur” …. (You couldn’t make it up ….)

    Firstly, I’ve been dragged backwards through The Mill by, of all People, a Female Malignant-Sociopath …. ie Ultimately it can lead to “P.T.S.D.” & self-doubt “etc” …. Shrink4Men is a Great Website for Those Who’ve also had run-ins with insanely-criminal Baby-Women “protected” by the Justice system ….

    However, “CONGRATULATIONS” to Anyone Who’s Survived a run-in with a Malignant “Narcissistic” Psychopath as it takes Great Strength of Mind & Character to “break-free,” as it’s so hard to “Realise” that You were dating a 3-6 Year old hate-fuelled, Mentally-handicapped pathological liar …. Who, like any spoiled-brat, Can’t be “Expected” to take Adult’s Feelings into Consideration before moving onto Their next Toy …. (Bless Them …. LoL ….)

    If it’s Any Consolation to Anyone Who’s suffered such an experience :- Simply “Being” Them is FAR Greater punishment than Anything You could dream-up for Them …. Going No-Contact & Focussing on Your Safety & “TREATING” Yourself is The Best Advice I Could Give …. (If necessary, contact the Authorities FIRST & Persevere if initially poo-pooed, especially if You’re Male ….)

    eg The “uninitiated” in Society haven’t a “clue” about what would-be victims of such Emotional-criminals try to put Us through, until You Study the IDENTICAL Similarities between World-Leaders & the criminally-insane ….

    If You’re “Still Producing” in Your Life then They’re losing “the game” ONLY They are Playing, so Congratulations on Being A Winner !!!! …. (sadly, They’re a born loser ….)

    I was Targeted by a Very Rare Individual, Whom I’ve “Exposed” on My “off-shore” Server, (which gets past UK & US “Identity-Rights laws” ….)

    To cut a Loooong story short, I’ve Studied Sociology & Psychopathology in Person for Years & as-with All My Thinking I formed All-My-Own Theories “without” Studying texts ….

    After meeting a “Malignant” Sociopath, ie A Megalomaniacal Psychopath, (AKA a Malignant “Narcissistic” Psychopath) I Found Myself “Unifying” All My Previous Theories, when I came face to face with a “Female” serial-killer …. LUCKY ME !!!!

    She kills through “relentless & ruthless” attempts at “ambient-abuse,” abuse by proxy, emotional-black-mail, death-threats “etc” & as I was to Discover, (“AFTER” Exposing Her & Her Cronies,) by perverting the course of “Justice” …. She does so for “sadistic PLEASURE” !!!! …. (You couldn’t make it up ….)

    I’d “Followed” The Teachings of Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa & Gandhi & I ASSURE You I Tried Everything, from a Safe Distance, to get through to Her …. However, She’s a 44 Year old with the Emotional age of a 3 Year old & the alloplastic-defences to go with it ….

    She derives sadistic, (ie Infantile) Narcissistic “pleasure” from Unspeakable-cruelty & “imagines” Herself to be “clever” by Lying-Pathologically & can fool the Legal-system ….

    She’s “addicted” to Her-Own Neuro-Chemistry & Adrenaline rushes & is “Psychotic” …. ie Her lies allow Her to program Her “bitter” Mind for the kill (ie “rush”) …. Her Brain doesn’t Eat Sugar across the Entire Front of Her Brain, due to a dysfunctional “uncinate fasciculus,” so She doesn’t Actually Exist in “Reality” !!!!

    She’s Lead Me to Believe that 6 Men have committed “suicide” because of Her causing Them P.T.S.D. & for Those Who won’t Her Sister has then “shot” several of Them …. LUCKY ME !!!! …. (They’re a gruesome twosome & on-line Their aliases are interchangeable, so They double-team You ….)

    At a Formative Age, the elder of the 2 smashed the Younger 1′s Forehead off the floor repeatedly until She Said She Genuinely Thought She was going to die …. ie The Final “ingredient” to Make a “psychotic” serial killer …. (She has the Exact same Physical Construct of Brain as the mass-murderers She admires ….)

    I Saw-Through Her & Stood-Up to Her & Genuinely “Cared” about Her, as I Uber-Empathically “harrowingly” Saw in Her what She “Would” have been had She not been born with what She called a “broken brain” & had She not suffered on-top of That …. However, She Informed Me that Her EVERY Action was A Deliberately-Selfish & ENORMOUSLY premeditated “Choice” !!!!

    I Knew It was The LAST time I’d EVER Do So :- So From My Safe-Distance, I MADE “Positive” Progress with Her Thinking, as regards Her “negative” Life-Choices …. Yet, after 6 Months of Reaching-Out to Her & Her’s, I Had to put the Plight of Her next would-be victim “First” ….

    She’d hacked My Computer & had been sending Me “cryptic” Communiques …. I was Then Responding by Posting on MY “old” Facebook Profile ….

    4 Months later, when I’d tried “Everything” to Reform Her & Said Goodbye Lovingly, for the UMPTEENTH time, as She kept-on trying to HOOVER Me back-in to Her deadly “game,” often “criminally,” I then Realised by simply Walking away I was DOOMING Someone Else to a fate worse than death …. So after 2 more tries, I then Exposed Her Publically on My off-shore Server ….

    She “THEN” had “Me” arrested & I’ve to appear in Court for the TERRIBLE CRIME of “Typing The TRUTH on MY Facebook Page” (ie Slander & breach of Confidence) which She’d “Doctored” & handed to the police, from a Post I’d placed on My “old” Facebook profile from “4 Months” Earlier, having TYPED nothing about Her in 3 Months by that juncture ….

    “I’d” actually phoned the Police 1 Month “before” She had, after I Discovered that She’d been in My House when I was out working for a Local Charity (I’d no Idea She’d made a copy of My Key) …. However, She lied “fearlessly” & pathologically to The Police & being “Female” played the Ted Bundy pity-card with the Gullible “Male” officers …. (She REALLY “Did a number” on Them ….)

    Whereas, A Month “Earlier” when I’d had-enough & Called the Police & was HONEST :- Being Male, I was Told, by a Female police officer, On Record & I Quote, “We’ll wait until She kills Someone ‘Then’ We’ll arrest Her ….” :-

    Here’s the off-shore expose’ which I BRAVELY “Predicted” could get Me arrested, 2 Days before I found Myself locked in a prison cell in Glasgow, in the Middle of the Night, whilst the Malignant Sociopath (& co) cackled in the distance, “delighting” in having perverted the justice system to “continue” trying to cause Me P.T.S.D. in the “vain” hope I’ll be the 7th Man to commit suicide because of Them ….

    It’s been 7 Months & They continue to harass Me to This Very Day, even-though I COULDN’T have been More Forgiving, Understanding, Encouraging & Generous & So on …. However, They picked on the WRONG Man :-

    My “Charitable” Website :-

    I’m A Philanthropist, “Etc” & Do “Stand-Up” Comedy on Youtube about the effect of “Malignant” Psychologies on Society, which is often “misunderstood” by the “transparently puerile” Who have a con-veniently short concentration-span ….

    NOT for the FAINT Hearted :-

    I’ve been A Fearless Under-Cover Sociologist for 20 Years now …. I’m The Predators’ Predator, but I DON’T ADVISE Doing ANYTHING like What I’ve Done, as “Kindness” or “playing-possum” with a Predator puts Your Life at risk ….

    Moreover, I HOPE The Following Phrase Helps Any “FEMALE OR MALE” Who’s been Subjected to the MORAL-IMBECILITY of a Malignant predator :- Jesus (Communist Philosopher & Lumberjack, to Me) Said in Mark 6, “Shake the dust from your feet, as you leave, as a testimony against Them & abandon those people to their ‘fate.’”

    A BIG Thank You to Those Running These Sites !!!!

    When You have A Run-In with Someone COMPLETELY Immoral, It’s WORTH It, as It Restrengthens Your Boundaries on that “low” puerile-level & MORE Importantly Makes You Realise that Your “Vulnerabilities” ARE Your Strengths, because They’re Your FEELINGS & if Someone STABS 1 of Those LOVING Hands, We Reach Out to 1 Another, then WHAT MORE Evidence do You need that They inhumanely & insanely don’t Think You’re GOOD Enough for Them & ARE a “Sworn-Enemy,” taking advantage of Your TRUSTING Nature’s “Respectful” Innocence in Not SEEING Them as “Choosing” to be Lower than the lowest of the low ?!?!

    Moral-imbeciles on ALL levels of Society “imagine” that it makes You “clever” to lie fearlessly & pathologically, WHEN People FINALLY Wake-Up from That SOLITARY delusion, there can be NO MORE Hitlers, Pol-Pots or George Bush’s ….

    This Site Is 1 of the Few “Beacons” Out There For Those Who’re Wandering Through a foggy Wilderness in a Daze …. You’re ALL Life-Savers !!!!

    Kind Regards,

  9. Conrad
    February 21st, 2012 at 13:57 | #9

    Instead of trying to help people with “mental disorders” like people do with other problems, you victimize people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy). Are you happy?

    • February 23rd, 2012 at 22:36 | #10


      Please be specific regarding how you contend we are “victimizing” people with Antisocial Personality Disorder. What we are doing is to expose how they operate, think, and how they got to be the way they are. They are typically formerly abused children who learn to be abusers themselves. They even set up their own children to become abusers, too. How does exposing what they are doing “victimize” them?

      “Sociopath” is a very generic term. It doesn’t refer to just people diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. And don’t confuse people who are “asocial” (meaning they prefer to be alone or away from other people) with “antisocial” people who view others as potential victims or accomplices in whatever their latest scam is to pump themselves up by harming others.

      There is a marked difference between a person with depression, anxiety, or other highly common “mental disorders” and somebody with Antisocial Personality Disorder. You don’t typically see even severely depressed or anxious people going out of their way to break the law, commit fraud, and harm other people. Some of those severely depressed people even have trouble getting out of bed — not much chance they are going to hurt anybody else. Worst case might be they kill themselves. Yes this will harm others, but seldom is that their intent — it’s more a desperate act to end the pain or a cry for help.

      By contrast, somebody with APD (ASPD) more or less is out to cheat and harm other people as a way of life and they know what they are doing. Often they execute complex plans to harm others such as by creating fraudulent documents, running investment scams, manipulating their victims with false promises or threats, and inducing other people to help them commit crimes by lying to them. Antisocials do not operate by a community-accepted ethical framework, their version of ethics or morality is “anything goes as long as it benefits me.”

      By your reasoning, publicizing the behavior patterns and crimes of convicted criminals is “victimizing” them because they must have some mental health condition that caused them to murder and so should not be held accountable for their actions. To a normal person, that makes no sense. Have you been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder yourself? Your way of thinking and offense taken seems to suggest that.


  10. February 22nd, 2012 at 01:32 | #11

    I’m gonna handle this one Conrad–perhaps you’re responding to someone here. There is no @ in your post so who the hell knows what you’re barking at. Get it together.

    No one at Angiemedia “victimizes” anyone. I kindly suggest, Sir, that we allow the discussion to continue. If you ask me, and you didn’t, there is a toxicity in your tone. Angiemedia, at great expense and time, has given the public a forum to express themselves. Sometimes there are bad stories. Sometimes good. But from what I’ve seen it’s almost always from the heart–which is all that matters.

    I politely suspect that you have one too.

    My best always.

  11. February 22nd, 2012 at 01:48 | #12

    @Erol Erol-Your shit sucks. Ever heard of this guy called Hemmingway? Twain? Steinback?

    Good luck brother. They didn’t take any of this shit seriously. Do you?

  12. Catherine
    May 24th, 2012 at 08:27 | #13

    I was severely abused as a child, too hard for words. When I had a child of my own it got bad again, trying to destroy me by any means and sending me police saying I was a danger to my child, in order to take her away from me, like the took everything away from me before. I escaped them … now they say … I was the one beating up my parents as a child …

  13. KC
    July 2nd, 2012 at 22:48 | #14

    I was married to a sociopath for over 20 years. The blame-shifting was a constant thing. Telling lies about me to everyone including telling my kids I had affairs during the marriage (I didn’t!!). All to manipulate people into hating me. The damage done to me is unbelievable. I’m completely broken inside. And him? Well, he’s moved on and married someone else and hasn’t given me a second thought other than to continue to attack me and lie about me. Left his family for a new family like we are old shoes not needed anymore. These people have no consciences. I struggle with whether I should warn my kids and educate them about what their father is (like this article suggested) and trying not to say anything so they don’t feel stuck in the middle. It’s weighs heavy on my heart daily. Sociopaths with their seared consciences are evil. No contact is the only solution to minimize the damage.

  14. July 3rd, 2012 at 00:28 | #15


    Teach your kids about sociopaths, but don’t directly tell them their father is one. When kids are provided with enough information about sociopaths in general, they are often able to identify people they know who behave as sociopaths and to apply independent thinking and self-defense skills such as enforcing their boundaries and escaping from abusive rages.

    Teaching a child of a sociopath about sociopathic behaviors is harder to do than it may seem because it is easy to slip into badmouthing the sociopathic parent to the child. The first rule you should remember is that you should not badmouth the parent to the child. You are free to defend against lies, but the defense should not degenerate into insults about the parent directed to the child even when the parent truly does deserve every insult in the book for lying against you and lying to the kids. The reason is that kids feel attacked when you attack their parents. It is better to try to stick to facts or questions that help them figure out facts rather than relating insulting opinions to them, no matter how accurate they may be.

    For instance, let’s say your ex falsely reported to your kids that you had seven boyfriends at once and were sleeping around with each of them one day per week. If your kids ask about this or mention hearing it, you can ask them some questions (with sample expected answers in parentheses) to get them to understand that this is ridiculous:

    1. How often am I out of the house? (to take us to school and to go to work)

    2. Is it normal to take kids to school and go to work? (yes)

    3. Have you ever seen me bring anybody else over to the house and go into the bedroom with him? (no)

    4. Don’t we spend the entire day together on weekends? (Saturday and Sunday)

    5. When is the last time I had a babysitter take care of you? (uhh, can’t recall — maybe last year?)

    6. So what do you think, could what he is saying be true? (no)

    7. How would you feel if somebody said something bad about you that was not true? (angry)

    8. Yes, I feel angry about this, but not at you. I am glad you asked me about what you heard so I can help you think about whether it is true or not.

    So you have not said any insults against the lying ex who is defaming you, but your kids now understand the lies are not true and that if somebody did that to them they would be upset about it just like you are. This both defends yourself against lies and teaches the kids not to lie about other people to hurt them.

  15. Wendy
    July 5th, 2012 at 20:30 | #16

    This is a great article and the comments are great too. I am just wondering with the last comment Rob, what to do if our abuser is telling kids things like your daddy thinks I am bad parent and don`t look after you properly , your daddy is so mean to me he yells at me all the time he drinks too much it makes him sick? We get this sort of thing often and we know dearest plays the victim to any one who will listen (distortion campaigns are rife in this daddys life). We also see these things as projection and have figured any time dearest tells us off for something she is likely doing it her self or plans on doing it soon!!
    Dad believes the kids will eventually figure it out when they see he doesn`t yell and carry on as described. But it is getting a little old hat to just continue when the kids ask to tell them what they are saying is just not true! Can any one recommend an article on this site or advice on how to explain to the kids mum is a serial liar with out damaging them?

  16. July 5th, 2012 at 21:20 | #17


    Your situation is really common and might inspire me to write a few articles on some practical advice on how to combat such situations.

    Unfortunately, it is hard to navigate through these mine-laden waters to help the kids reach a bright future when they are living most or much of the time with a sociopathic parent bent on destroying the children’s other parent. Well-intentioned parents and step-parents tend to make a lot of mistakes trying to help the kids in such a mess, and then the abusive parent tends to exaggerate those mistakes into more false allegations to cause more trouble.

    Like I wrote above in an earlier comment, the first rule is to avoid badmouthing the other parent. There are multiple reasons for this. One is that a child will instinctively become defensive or protective of a parent being trashed or attacked. This can interfere with the children being able to hear the message you are trying to get across. A second reason is that you do not want to appear to be anything like the abusive parent. The kids need an example of a good parent who is reasonable and fair to help offset a truly horrendous one who is neither reasonable nor fair. Falsely accused Dad calling liar mom a lying bitch may be reasonable on some level and not inappropriate in a discussion with adult friends, but it isn’t a good example for the kids to hear him talk like this.

    “Your mother is a lying bitch who falsely accused me of raping you!” to a kid is full of confusing messages that are emotionally charged and likely to trigger more of an emotional response than an intellectual response. You want these kids to understand how to reason about rules and what is appropriate and that emotions can get in the way of that. Trying using words more like “It is wrong for a parent to lie and falsely claim the other parent committed a crime to get them into trouble.” It is a much more clear message that isn’t overloaded with emotional intensity. And then you can follow it up with what happens to people who are falsely accused of crimes. You can tell the kids that such people are often arrested, lose their homes and children and jobs and spend weeks, months, or years in jail until they can prove they didn’t commit the crime. It is not supposed to work like that, but it does. And because it does, people who want to hurt other people often tell serious lies against them. Most kids will react to this along the lines of how unfair and mean those lying people are.

    You do not have to just let what she is doing to lie against the kids’ father slide without opposition. The focus of what you say should be on rules, behaviors, and consequences and avoid insults.

    You should try to teach the kids to consider what they themselves observe and make some judgments on their own. The kids ultimately are going to have to protect themselves from their abusive parent because you cannot do it for them.

    You can have all the intelligence, energy, and high morality in the world, but when the kids are with the abusive sociopathic parent there is basically nothing you can do to defend them against being abused in the moment. And for fathers, due to the anti-male gender bias that permeates everything to do with families in Western societies, this is all the more true.

    Unless the abuse they are experiencing becomes a threat to their lives as shown by one or more of them being hospitalized or worse, there is probably not much you and their Dad can do to protect them in any way because “child protection” agencies side against fathers as a rule. Their staffs are trained to be sexist and discriminatory and are shielded from accountability for violating the law. A mom can be a crack-smoking druggie who kicks and hits the kids and screams and yells on a daily basis, but if a Dad reports that to CPS they are likely to “solve” the problem by blocking him from seeing the kids and doing nothing to fix the problems with the abusive mother.

    In your case, the mother is making trouble by distorting, exaggerating, and as you say projecting her own behaviors on others. The odds are the kids are hearing a lot more of this than they are telling you. About the best thing you can realistically do is to teach them to reach their own opinions based upon things they observe and to try to treat people fairly based upon how those people have treated them.

    Let’s take the allegation that Dad gets drunk and it makes him sick. Here are some things to consider, assuming that the father only drinks socially and does not get drunk as the mother is alleging.

    1) Have the kids ever seen Dad drink alcohol? If not, then ask them about it and then discuss it further. Something along the lines of “To be drunk, you have to drink alcohol. Have you ever seen your Dad drink alcohol? I have seen him drink a glass of wine at a wedding, just like many other people do. But I have never seen him drunk.”

    2) Ask the kids if they know what a drunk person looks, acts, and smells like. Try to find a scene in a movie that isn’t too mature for the kids that features a really drunk person. Play the scene. Then have a discussion about the behaviors of the drunk person. The person says weird things, can’t walk straight, can’t think well, and may vomit or pass out. Usually all of these things are happening together within a short time after the person has been drinking. Then ask the kids, have you ever seen Dad like that? If not, then you have not seen him drunk.

    3) Ask the kids why their mother would tell them and other people that their father is a drunk when he is not. See what they say. I don’t know how old the kids are so have no idea what their particular responses will be, but with kids old enough to understand the conflict they may respond along the lines that she doesn’t like their father and wants other people to not like him, too.

    Depending upon how they are doing with this, you may be able to tell them that it is worse than just that. Sometimes somebody tells so many lies about a parent that other people start to believe the lies and then the government will come and keep the kids from seeing the parent even though the parent has not done anything wrong.

    If you can provide some more specific examples of what you are hearing from the kids or in court documents, I may be able to give some more specific suggestions.


  17. July 6th, 2012 at 04:30 | #18


    There seems to be a shortage of practical advice on what to do in particular alienation and hostile parenting situations. I think this stems in part from the reluctance of people to talk about what their children are experiencing and the difficulty there is in figuring out approaches that even have a chance of improving the outcome for the kids.

    You should read this document on Hostile Aggressive Parenting. Althought it is prepared for use in Canada, the psychological and legal arguments it presents are widely applicable in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and countries with similar legal systems.

    The document doesn’t provide much “front line” advice for the parent trying to help the kids being abused by the hostile alienating parent, but it does help explain some of the tactics the alienating parent uses and how they harm kids and target parents alike.


  18. Wendy
    July 9th, 2012 at 20:15 | #19

    @ Rob
    Thanks for the info. Very much appreciated. At this point we feel that all this drama is just her way of poisoning our life and getting any attention from us gives her glee. We will just continue to document document document and keep the evidence piling up (which amazingly we have quite bit of( not amazingly according to reading Rob`s recommended document above)), and pretend her stuff does not bother us in the slightest and then maybe we will inadvertantly give the kids a rest because dearest has nothing to whinge about. LOL who am I kidding (nothing to whinge about what was I thinking 😉
    I am off to read some more of above mentioned document and try get my head around it all some more .. Thanks again Rob

  19. July 19th, 2012 at 00:02 | #20

    Wow Rob, what a succinct and searingly accurate article. I got pregnant by my s
    I was physically, verbally, emotionally and financially abused by the father of my child 2 months into our relationship. Because he refuse

  20. kyle
    August 7th, 2012 at 20:45 | #21

    you are an idiot sir and i do believe you are talking about a narsisist because part of being a sociopath is haveing very litlle sense of self. being a narsisist means you have a ego get your fucking facts steight. go and learn something you ignorent peice of shit. btw that isnt realy my email

  21. kyle
    August 7th, 2012 at 20:46 | #22

    thank you these people are thinking of narsisist

  22. kyle
    August 7th, 2012 at 20:55 | #23
    whent in my history just to find this page agian

  23. August 8th, 2012 at 03:25 | #24


    In the interests of free speech, your obnoxious comments stay up for the time being.

    I looked some at your SociopathWorld website. It seems to advocate for sociopaths, that they are unfairly discriminated against and are somehow better than “normal” people, and that they should be proud to be sociopaths.

    I suppose everybody wants to be proud of themselves, and after seeing that site it makes me wonder if there is an equivalent SerialKillerWorld site that advocates for how serial killers are really nice people who are just misunderstood, and if you just let them kill you then you wouldn’t have any argument with them at all.

    It looks to me like whomever has put together that site is a sociopath and wants to defend sociopaths or less likely has made up the site as some kind of farce.

    Narcissists are one possible form of sociopath. That is well accepted by DSM-IV and studies of personality disorders. Every form of sociopath shows a distinct lack of empathy for others and unwillingness to follow rules that are intended to protect people from unreasonable harm by others.

    Your claim that sociopaths have no sense of self is ridiculous on its face, as I’m sure anybody who has ever had the misfortune of dealing with one knows very well. For a sociopath, everything is about them and self is all that matters. How can that be translated into “having very little sense of
    self” and be accurate?

    Now if you meant that they have no ability to understand themselves and lack the capacity to analyze and figure out their own psychological problems, I’d agree with that. But that is not the same as “having very little sense of self” — these people have a sense of self even if they cannot understand themselves.


  24. Al
    September 16th, 2012 at 23:55 | #25

    @ Andreia

    Some sociopaths do care if they get caught, which is why they lie about things to get out of being caught.

  25. Bella
    September 23rd, 2012 at 21:15 | #26

    @ Conrad
    This is in response to Conrad who feels the “mentally ill” are being abused here. Conrad, perhaps you are sociopath but that doesn’t make you a mental health professional. I know you probably think you know everything but leave behavioral health up to the people who were trained to be in this field. Just a FYI .. sociopaths are NOT mentally ill. Sorry.. behavior disorders don’t fit in the realm of mentally ill.. NEXT..

  26. Taylor Bunker
    October 2nd, 2012 at 15:05 | #27

    @ Rob
    After reading your “article”, I cannot help but feel sick because of all the hatred and lies portrayed in it. My sister suffers from severe anxiety disorder and is also a sociopath, but that does not make her a malicious, evil person. She suffers from chemical imbalances in her brain that cause her to think the way that she does, and to even suggest that she is a “sub-species of human” and a “parasite” for something she cannot control is despicable. You are not helping anyone with this article only hindering the progress of humanity towards a more civil community. Anyone with a hint of humanity within them reading this article, should instantly be able to tell it is in no way accurate, especially when you start broadly categorizing a large group of people as inherently evil when that is not the case. Hatred has never solved anything, and never will, and it seems that is the way in which you would see us primarily deal with the sociopaths in our lives. For anyone reading this article who feels the same way that I do, let me educate you on the only proper way to deal with someone who may be a sociopath. Its a little thing I like to call love; love this person more than you could think possible. Love them even if they don’t love you back. Never resort to hatred because it never works, and never will. Love is not complicated and requires no prerequisite skill, and that is what makes it so powerful. Love is the most powerful aspect of humanity, and always will be, even in the face of hatred and falsehood. And with that, I will leave you all with one last thought; Love conquers all.

  27. October 3rd, 2012 at 02:30 | #28

    @ Taylor Bunker

    Possibly you need to read the article more carefully and not inject your own preconceptions into what you are reading.

    For example, by quoting “parasite” and “sub-species” you seem to be claiming that I used these words in my article. Do a text search and you will see that is not accurate. Those words were used by other people who left comments. To somebody noticing such details, they unavoidably color what you write as being manipulative and dishonest. From my point of view, you appear to be attacking me using the same false, deceptive, and misleading tactics that sociopaths use.

    “Sociopath” isn’t a diagnosis of a mental health condition, it is more of a rough category of behaviors that often corresponds to one or more DSM-IV Axis II Cluster B personality disorders. Current accepted practice for treatment uses specific diagnoses that are far more precise than a general label of “sociopath”.

    A “severe anxiety disorder” is not a precise diagnosis, either. Anxiety disorders range from generalized anxiety disorder to OCD to PTSD and C-PTSD with conditions like trichotillomania and eating disorders also often grouped into the spectrum of anxiety disorders. Anxiety disorders are often treatable via medication, nutrition, and psychotherapy.

    I personally believe that medication should be used short-term or a last resort option because time and again people find that medications have a significant rate of severe side effects (some of which can even be lethal) that reasonably effective nutritional and talk therapy seldom (if ever) have. For example, treating anxiety and depression with inexpensive and safe compounds such as tryptophan, lysine, fish oil, and L-theanine is likely to help considerably and also avoids considerable deadly risks associated with drugs like SSRI antidepressants and benzodiazepines.

    What is your sister’s precise diagnosis? If she was diagnosed a “sociopath” as you seem to be saying, she and you should be questioning the competency of the mental health care provider making such a diagnosis. That is like diagnosing somebody with “cancer” — it is so imprecise as to be almost useless for treatment. To have any chance of successfully treating it, you need to have more precise information about the precise symptoms and causes.

    I made it very clear in my writing in this article and others that not all people with personality disorders qualify as sociopaths. People who show behavior patterns that involve lack of empathy for others, attacking others using tactics such as theft, lies, false accusations, and chronic abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, and/or sexual) often can be appropriately labeled as sociopaths. A Borderline who cuts herself and abuses drugs but does not engage in the “acting out” behaviors that harm others is not a sociopath. A Narcissist who is so insecure and self-absorbed as to mostly avoid contact with other people for fear of embarrassment but does not attack other people using abusive and dishonest behaviors is not a sociopath.

    Nobody should be defending the behaviors of sociopaths. Developing such behaviors from an abusive childhood or from genetics is not an acceptable excuse for these behaviors. The fact is that everybody has some responsibility for exercising a certain amount of self-control to avoid harming others. Sociopaths usually go out of their way to hurt others. That is simply not reasonable or safe behavior.

    I continue to be surprised that there are people who defend such behaviors. Exposing and criticizing these behaviors has little or nothing to do with “hating” these people as you seem to be saying. It has everything to do with society having a responsibility to mitigate and prevent the extreme damage that sociopaths caused to others. Good people who naively get involved with a sociopath are often the ones who are the most damaged by them.

    There are plenty of people who have loved a sociopath and lost their careers, children, life savings, and even lives because sociopaths don’t care if you love them. “Love” is not an answer to how to manage a sociopath. Consequences might be a way to manage some sociopaths. Most of these people do respond to severe consequences if they are dished out predictably and frequently to make them understand that their sociopathic behaviors will hurt them. These people are not generally so brain-damaged as to be unable to understand consequences associated with actions. On the contrary, many of them are quite intelligent and creative as it takes a lot of knowledge and creativity to come up with the destructive lies, schemes, and scams they use to hurt others.

    If you truly believe that “love conquers all” in relation to sociopaths then I submit that you are insane, hopelessly naive, or have no idea what the basis for behaviors of sociopaths and psychopaths are.

  28. Taylor Bunker
    October 3rd, 2012 at 14:48 | #29

    @ Rob
    You obviously misunderstood what I meant by love, it does not mean give them whatever they want or succumb to their manipulation, but to help them along through life as they struggle to understand the issues their facing. Because they need love now, more than ever. If you believe that is a worse alternative to dealing with a sociopath than excluding them from our lives, then you are a very lost person. Also, I never said she was simply labeled as a sociopath. What I should have added is that her psychiatrist has notified us that she shares the characteristics of a sociopath in addition to her PTSD. In addition if you cannot read your own article and realize that it has an overwhelming tone of hatred, who are you to “help” others with the sociopaths in their lives? Oh and next time, how about using actual primary sources instead of your own articles or reviews. The one primary source you did use was taken completely out of context simply to support your own vendetta against sociopaths. Also the quotes about classifying sociopaths as “parasites” and “sub-species”, inspired by your article, and yet you said nothing to disassociate your writings from that member’s comment, as if you agree with him. And nice defense tactic, trying to label me as a sociopath in order to invalidate my arguments. I still stand by my position that love is the only answer, and it always will be the answer. Have a nice day, sir.

  29. October 5th, 2012 at 13:17 | #30

    @ Taylor Bunker

    Most of the people we are focused on helping are people whose lives have been destroyed by sociopaths. Many have lost their children. Sometimes their children have ended up dead. Many have lost their homes, their life savings, and developed severe mental and physical health problems from the abuse they have experienced from sociopaths. Many of them end up with PTSD (usually C-PTSD) from the abuse. Some end up dead from the abuse.

    What you have written about your sister suggests she might suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. You have not said if she is the “acting in” or “acting out” subsets, but “sociopath” doesn’t fit very well with solely “acting in” self-harm behaviors.

    If you were married to somebody with BPD who “acts out” against others, much destruction would happen to you, too. Your difference in opinion on this has may have more to do with the sociopath in your life not being a former or current romantic partner than anything else. Or maybe you are just lucky that your sister engages in mostly “acting in” self-harm behaviors. If she is mostly the “acting in” sort then I would say she might not qualify as a sociopath.

    That said, there are several other people who have had sociopaths in their lives who were not former or current romantic partners and generally speaking they also point out how highly destructive these people have been to them and others. They have seen their grandkids ruined for life, their brother or sister or parent or friend ruined, or have a lot of problem themselves from being abused for decades by a sociopathic parent. For example, the very first comment on this article was by somebody claiming his brother is a sociopath who has hurt other people.

    I don’t reply to every comment as I don’t have time to do so. A lack of a reply doesn’t mean I agree or disagree with what others have written.

    There are plenty of primary sources that more or less agree with my positions in this article. Go try reading Shrink4Men for instance. The lady who runs that site is an experienced psychologist who is even less forgiving about sociopaths than I am. Her positions are based upon extensive experience helping their victims. She is clear on many people with Axis II Cluster B personality disorders showing strong sociopathic traits.

    Your position that they need “love” completely underestimates the damage they do to others around them. Maybe you just have not been harmed enough yet to realize this. What you are suggesting might be more workable if the government and courts would act to protect people from false allegations, prosecute malicious false police reports and perjury, and generally follow the US Constitution. But that is not what the government and courts do. They enable and encourage sociopaths to hurt others, particularly in family law settings.

    Many men are up in arms about this saying it is sexism. There is certainly some of that. But very similar things are happening to many women at the hands of sociopaths, also. The true story is probably more like the government uses the same tactics sociopaths use as everyday methods to control and manipulate the general public. They do not want to shine light on the crimes of sociopaths because those crimes look much like the government’s routine conduct.

    Since you presumably do not have your children, home, freedom, career, and your life savings at risk from your “sociopath” sister, maybe you think you can afford the risk of “loving” her. Most of the people who visit this site cannot afford that risk. To protect themselves and their families they should avoid the sociopath who afflicts them. Most have learned this too late, after so much damage has done that they will never fully recover from it. Generally speaking, the most reasonable way to be safe from a sociopath is to avoid them entirely. I don’t think your “sociopaths need love” thinking is at all safe for these people and if they follow your advice, most of them are going to be hurt badly by it.

    It may be just a matter of time before you learn this yourself. What would you do if your sister falsely accuses you of sexually abusing your children and without a shred of evidence you find yourself banned from seeing your children for months or years, are fired from your job, have a restraining order put on you, and spend the rest of your life being harassed and defamed with such false allegations? This is a commonplace attack sociopaths use against others. Because the government and courts do not lift a finger to protect the actual victims even after they know the allegations are false, they are helping sociopaths hurt people much more than they could otherwise.

    I wrote that you are using the same kinds of tactics in your arguments that they used. And you are doing it again, falsely claiming that I labelled you a sociopath. Merely using some of the argument tactics a sociopath uses doesn’t mean people should conclude you are a sociopath. But it does mean they should become more suspicious.

    This reminds me to ask, how do you explain why your sister is the way she is? Most people who are sociopaths become so because of abuse in their families. There are a small number who may be genetically or developmentally predisposed to sociopathic behaviors even in healthy families. But that is much more the exception.

  30. katmiller
    October 5th, 2012 at 16:07 | #31

    Love? Are you crazy. Sociopaths DO NOT respond to love except to use it to manipulate their target more readily. For them the more love you give them the more power it gives them. That is what they want. Sub-species seems to be a very good term to describe a sociopath. Their brain has not been developed properly. I like what the Eskimos did to them. They really have no place in society and like hip dysplasia in German Shepherds, they need to be bred out of the human race.

  31. Laughing
    October 27th, 2012 at 05:25 | #32

    I find it hilarious how people think someone like me is so horrible, but at the end of the day no one here who has commented is no better then me, possibly even worse since I have no desire to kill, but then a sociopath enlightens you, and the world ends you behave like sociopaths yourselves. It’s always my favorite thing to see people acting just like me. The only difference is in 10 minutes after I close this page I won’t feel a single thing towards anyone whose comment I’ve read. Really Eskimos kill sociopaths? sounds like they kill moochers I’d love to go hunting in fact maybe one day I will go hunting with one of you if you do hunt, and when you do you’ll have no idea. So… Keep telling yourself your so superior. I find it to be the greatest amusement, people who would gladly kill me think they’re superior to me. The difference between me and the rest of you… You behave like sociopaths because your terrified. Everything is terrifying, the world is terrifying, loosing your job is terrifying, STDs are terrifying, dying is terrifying, sociopaths are terrifying… and then… you stop thinking, the conscience kicks the bucket, you feel no empathy, your impulse control goes to hell… well, well now look at that your a sociopath to it just takes enough fear. Meanwhile… I bypass that no terror necessary. I never mean you any ill will I’ve tried hating someone it lasted for a week then I forgot all about that. Meanwhile you poor people fear, and hate all your lives some people tell me they pity me because I don’t feel the thing that make them “feel human” I say if that’s what human is call me monster. Just remember I’m the monster society has made. I am nothing more then the sum result of people like you to fearful to ignorant to think who trample over the poor helpless child, and is it any wonder then that they become the predator if they live? Remember not all sociopaths are parasites. That’s a bedtime story to make you feel better. All the top CEOs, surgeons, and lawyers exhibit high amounts of sociopathic traits… So next time you need surgery… Remember it may be a sociopaths cold, steady hand cutting into you with grim precision. If you have a lawyer represent you remember that their cold, calculated responses are likely those of a sociopath. Next time you buy your next big fad gadget… Remember that it’s been marketed to you you’ve been manipulated by a sociopath. Sociopaths are everywhere, we aren’t all out to get you, but if you end up as collateral damage it won’t bother us either. One last thing you should remember… is that you are the greatest amusement in the world to a sociopath when you behave like that… and that little boys, and girls… is why I love mankind… Your so… absolutely… totally… and completely… amusing…

  32. katmiller
    November 9th, 2012 at 17:40 | #33

    You don’t love mankind. You are not capable of feeling love.

  33. Also Laughing
    November 11th, 2012 at 04:54 | #34

    @ Laughing
    This is the best post. Ever. I agree with so much of this it’s hilarious. Not all of us are murderers, in fact very few of us are. As soon as these people are done nailing down their possessions and hiding their spouses and children I might attempt to show them just how stupid they’re being.

  34. Sward
    December 8th, 2012 at 17:59 | #35

    I feel for everyone who has been a victim to a Sociopath. I am currently and have been for the last 11 years in the talons of 4 of them! My husbands exwife and his 3 children (now adults). The horror of what they have put me through would be unbelievable if you weren’t there to see it. I am writing a book about it. I hope to have it published in 2013. It has taken my husband and I all of our marraige to finally realize the only way to deal with this is to keep them out of our lives. It is sad but true. They are so evil!

    I have no doubt in my heart that his exwife killed their youngest son. There are so many warning signs through the years that she had Munchausen by Proxy syndrome. Many people in the family suspected as such but there never was any proof. Anytime the son was with his mother, he got sick. Anytime he spent away from her, he got better. There is obviously much more to the story which will be in my book.

    I can’t make this more clear; if you are a victim to one of these demons, stay as far away as possible. You cannot make things get better. This has nothing to do with forgiveness either. Many moral people get themselves into more trouble by thinking they can forgive away the bad things from the Sociopath only to be ground into the dirt again.

  35. April 25th, 2013 at 02:36 | #36

    @ Al
    Do you think that God can cure a sociopath?

  36. kitty
    April 26th, 2013 at 20:31 | #37

    yes, some people will lie for these evil people so they dont look bad! for example, my sons ex wife is evil to the core(she set me up was the last straw on her reign of evil! my grandaughter told me her mother showed her to touch her jine jine and then put finger in her mouth and say yummy) the mothers daddy is ex lawenforcement and was court ordered to supervise the mother with the child!! child getting hit,hurt and licked by mother and step aunt!!i was helpless..but it got worse! child told cps before me that the 9 yo aunt was touching her jine jine!! then, after meeting with the mother and cop daddy.non biological grandpa, cps and cops said i was lying and took child!! of course mother denies stabbing my son 3 times with garden shears,even under oath!! oh, she denied the death threats via email too..oh, least i forget to mention the so called naked video i supposedly put of child on fb….oh, yes, my old fb hacked….omg!! there are evil mothers and evil family to help them!!! all to make you look evil ,when you just wanted to protect the baby!!!

  37. defman
    July 22nd, 2013 at 16:21 | #38

    I think my hearing brother is one of the borderline narcissistic personality disorder sociopathic, of the histrionic violent type of some sort.

    I’m tired of my brother. I want to KILL the little shit. I’m sick of him provoking me, endless hells. I’m tired of it all. I want to KILL him, STAB him to death, shut him up for ever! Peace and quiet, at last, that’s all I( want. To be left alone, to study in peace, to read books and not worry about his lying arse bothering me with his endless litany of problems he can fix himself only he’s too fucking lazy to bother. Fucking user scumbag! I’m tired. I’m sick of sociopaths, all these fucks, they needs to be wiped out, deleted, destroyed, then we’d have no more fucking useless senseless wars, and sickos fucking things up for the sane people left behind. FUCK THE SOCIOPATHS! They can fuck off and leave us all alone.

    Been thinking about my knife, how wonderful it would be to slice up my brother and hack him to death, heh heh heh. FUCK YOU BROTHER!

    Dance in the flame of hell, little brother, see how you like it, fucking evil shit! Ha ha ha ha!

  38. K
    January 24th, 2014 at 11:52 | #39

    defman I feel EXACTLY the same way about my brother.

  39. StanJ
    February 11th, 2014 at 04:09 | #40

    Many victims hope that a fatal accident befalls the psychopath once he or she is discovered. That is the trap, that is the temptation, you could lash out and become like them.

    A shared secret: they have a subconscious death-wish so don’t accommodate them!

    Exposure and jail time is what hurts the most because everyone knows what they are and they have no control.

  40. Adrienne
    March 6th, 2014 at 12:26 | #41

    @ Andreia
    Haha do you actually think you’re strong lololol

  41. May 14th, 2014 at 00:46 | #42

    @ Adrienne
    If you want readers to have any ounce of respect for you, you need to have proper capitalization, punctuation and spacing in your responses.

    Ha, ha! Do you actually think you’re strong? Lololol!

  42. Kathleen
    July 3rd, 2014 at 14:16 | #43

    how about getting money by lying. wouldn’t mind my lifesavings back. That’s besides 7 years wasting loving a liar@Andreia

  43. steveninsw4
    August 5th, 2014 at 13:01 | #44

    @ Che
    I’m South African. I notice that this behaviour is particularly prevalent in the Afrikaner gene – I’m not sure why there are not any studies to qualify this but it is astounding how many van der merwe’s or du plessis or van rensburg’s i’ve grown up with exhibiting sociopathic behaviour.

  44. Rachel
    August 28th, 2014 at 22:51 | #45

    If what you say is true Andreia, let’s see your picture and your full name?

  45. Rachel
    August 28th, 2014 at 23:25 | #46

    @Taylor Bunker
    I feel very sorry for you Taylor Bunker as I sense this family member of yours is someone you really love and in many cases love is blind. If you can cope with this person in your life who either is a sociopath or displays sociopath tendencies than best of luck to you and i say live and let live.
    However your own personal situation is not the answer for all, not even for most. So as I respect your right to live life as you choose it, then in turn you should respect the right for others who have been hurt or in some cases damaged by these individuals to hate them and for people to want nothing to do with these individuals and identify them for what feel they really are, who are you to judge. I frankly agree with Rob. I think his is right.

    The sociopaths I have come across in life are not reformable and generally are broken molds. If it is true, inuits felt their society as a whole was better off leaving them on an iceberg to be eaten by polar bears they probably had the right answer. Sociopaths are dangerous individuals and if your sister is one, beware and if she is not just displays some traits, I hope for your sake she can be treated in some way. Best of luck.

  46. Rachel
    August 28th, 2014 at 23:36 | #47

    Hi Rob I have a sociopath I can’t shake. She was a former customer who tried to extort money from me. I sued her for which I was awarded damages and judgment. She has been posting fake reviews about my business on websites such as Yelp and Home Stars. She was also posting fake things about me on and after I showed them she was stalking all of my activity on Houzz they deleted her account.

    I posted a response to her review for which she has contacted these sites and had my responses removed. I cannot defend myself and she keeps stocking me and trying to ruin my business. Any suggestions?

    Personally I think these review websites need to be shut down but apparently no one cares what I think as I am just a small business owner.

  47. BJ
    September 15th, 2014 at 18:22 | #48

    @ Rachel

    Shutting down all review websites would be a mistake, plus also UnAmerican. Freedom of speech is the first on the list in the Bill of Rights for a good reason.

    You should exercise your freedom of speech by putting up a website that documents how this sociopath was found guilty of extortion and is still defaming you.

    Or sue for defamation. You could sue the review websites that deleted your responses, also. They are willing participants in the defamation by allowing your stalker to harass and defame you and refusing to allow you to defend yourself.

  48. Dylan
    January 3rd, 2015 at 14:09 | #49

    I only really can see this now. I was really pissed off with my ex because after everything she did she was the one who sent an e-mail portraying me as the bad person harassing her family.

    Late at night I responded because I was so angry I couldn’t sleep and I spit the harsh truth with nothing buttered up. Her e-mail account was shortly closed which is proof she can’t handle the damn truth of the matter and hated being exposed on it.

    All she does is try to blame others around her for her crazy actions. After such horrible treatment I shouldn’t have ever felt sorry for her still. She played with my heart, took all my love, time and money. Then was not remorseful to either me and didn’t offer to pay back anything because she is completely self centered and selfish.

    Can’t believe she had the cheek to say I needed therapy when she is the complete and utter mess!

  49. Syndra
    March 27th, 2015 at 01:55 | #50

    @ Catherine

    Good. You deserved that and more. Should’ve died.

  50. Gwen
    May 11th, 2015 at 04:10 | #51

    I am a 69 year old female and I have been struck several times by my female line dance instructor while on the dance floor. The first 3 times I was in disbelief that she would do this to me. I reported it to the 3 managers and other line dancers but everyone stated she had just accidently bumped me while dancing. They did not believe me. Even when she struck me while I was just standing at my table, and not dancing, they still did not believe me. The final incident occurred Feb 24, 2015 when one of the abusers friends started an argument with me and had to be restrained by 2 other dancers from attacking me. The abuser also had to be restrained from attacking me. The managers that day asked me to find somewhere else to dance. I am retired and was heartbroken as I looked forward each Tuesday to dance, it was so much fun. There is something very wrong when younger women attack a senior citizen and society takes the side of the abusers/criminals. I finally called the police and they are investigating my case. So far the witnesses have refused to return the detectives phone calls. This article has helped me because it stated exactly what is happening to me, meaning the abuser has spread lies about me and I am being punished for her abusive behavior. It is so unfair, but I am able to realize that the abuser and her friends have the problem. It is painful, and I want her to pay for the crimes she has committed against me. I have much empathy for the young people that are being bullied and excluded.

  51. Sydney
    May 14th, 2015 at 08:27 | #52

    I have a question: My sociopathic brother can be superficially charming, he is emotionally abusive to family but not to all of us because he needs the older brother, he can’t settle into a job, he plays the victim and never takes responsibility, he harasses and is very sneaky he is a recovering alcoholic, gambles but “not for money” online, he discredits and manipulates and he exhibits dark moods if you have to live with him. We took him in after he needed to relocate when he was arrested on a domestic in another state so we thought we would help him with a new start. It was the blackest and most startling month and half I’ve ever lived. I was emotionally abused while my husband was away for 10 days. We got him out. We told other members of the family and their attitude is “he has issues.” Except to work the sociopathic brother stays away from people for long periods of time and he labels himself an introvert. This man is NOT an introvert he is antisocial and sociopathic. For awhile now he has distanced himself from the one brother he considers a “hero” but as I’m typing this I’ve come to realize that since we’ve all received heritance money he has not been around so much. He outed himself by being overtly mean to me and my husband at a family gathering and he was overheard discrediting the “he’s my hero” brother behind his back.

    He just reunited with his estranged daughter who is in la, la land and thinks he can do no wrong. This neice was our guest because they hadn’t reunited yet and when they “talked things out” for 2 hours she was already exhibiting signs of alienation…..they had been estranged for 3.5 years and it only took 2 hours to win her over! My husband and I think we will be considered the bad guys in all of this because he can hold himself together long enough to “charm” and leave. Is it all up to them now to see what he’s like? They hate confrontation (who doesn’t) so they said they won’t be so open around him in the future. Any comments please.

  52. C
    May 14th, 2015 at 19:53 | #53

    This is the worst thing I’ve ever read. I’m a sociopath, and so what about it. I don’t abuse others, I don’t have any intent to harm people. Sure I lie so people don’t realize I don’t really understand what they’re feeling, but who wants to be shunned by the public. I don’t know if I missed something but there isn’t one thing in there that defends the other sociopaths that just want to live their lives. SURE there are bad sociopaths but to just assume they’re all just manipulative, abusers like this is just stupid.

  53. C
    May 14th, 2015 at 20:06 | #54

    @ Rob
    Dude, wtf really Sociopaths can’t defend themselves and say they’re not all bad, because being a sociopath and being a serial killer are two different things. Having a disorder where you MAY and I won’t deny it are likely to be capable to harm someone, versus having killed multiple people already… I’m not sure you understand how prejudice that is, it would be like saying Black people are killers, just because there are a lot who end up growing up in some shit place where there are killings, drugs, etc. so they became accustom to that life-style.

  54. C
    May 14th, 2015 at 20:11 | #55

    @ defman
    Dude relax, that fact thay you can say that and have those thoughts is just demented and rather morbid. I’d check a pyschiatrist you might have some disorder as well if those are regular.

  55. Veronica
    October 9th, 2015 at 14:41 | #56

    I am being targeted by a malignant narcissist after filing for divorce. It is a million times more terrorizing than when I was married. He is more wicked, evil, and damaging now than ever.

    He has created an entire smear campaign against me. A total character assassination. He has convinced everyone working on this case–that I am crazy, violent, manipulative, exhibiting poor judgment. He has done just what is described for these people–he has convinced and co-opted every single person that is instrumental in this case. The judge, psychologist, DCF, the police….all won over by the narc and his accusations that I am mentally ill etc.

    He has managed to terrorize me in full view and to get the family court system to willingly participate in it. HE has taken everything from me–money, credibility, my home, left me with massive debt–massive debt. The worst thing–he got 50% custody of my boys. Enough to continue the assault on me using my poor boys. They are his pawns now and he has begun gaslighting them intensively. They are falling apart–and he is blaming that on Me too.

    Everything he blames me for–is either his fault or his doing. People always say it ‘takes two’ to cause these problems. That is infuriating to me as he inflicts the damage and I try to survive it. HE is the guilty party but he projects it all on to me. None of his abuse is even looked at as it is clearly ME that is the problem.

    How do I survive this onslaught? How does one manage to live with losing her babies to a monster. He will never stop until I kill myself or my son kills himself. He wants to destroy me completely–either one of those would work. Either one would be the end of me–suicide or my sons harm. Please how do I stay sane when I have been accused of being insane and many believe because of the false evidence that has been parlayed into hard evidence by the narc.

    He used the multi-pronged attack–telling lies, filing those lies in court, having his attorney tell the lies, writing the lies in various places. Having it talked about in court etc. Then he used that to get het psychologist to believe that I am the culprit. Then the psychology report to prove to the judge. Then the judges statements to prove to the world. He took lies and “made” them into truths and now uses those lies as the evidence against me. God how twisted they really are.

    I need help, assistance, direction, and hope. If feels like he will never stop attacking me in his covert methods or through the courts. He has threatened to take my boys completely and has started the “parental alienation” lie in the same manner he started the “mentally ill” lie. He will continue down this path until he “proves” this too. He wants my kids–my kids or my life. Only one of the two will satisfy him enough to stop attacking me. How do I fight back? How do I survive and keep my boys?

    Please, if anyone has advice, I am in desperate need of it. He has driven my son to need hospitalization for thoughts of suicide. On the unit–he convinced everyone how great he was and even influenced the psychiatrist. Then upon discharge–he was overheard by a complete unknown man to be yelling at my son and berating him in the parking lot. This man was parked next to me and walked from the opposite direction where the narc and my son had headed.

    I could hear the yelling and this man came up to me to tell me how awful this man was talking to a little boy. I couldn’t stop the abuse because nobody seems to believe me. This man told me that the narc had called my son a “bitch” and was verbally abusing him—literally right after his discharge from a mental health hospitalization. How do I stop this monster? How?

  56. Liz Kreuzer
    November 19th, 2015 at 03:25 | #57

    My daughter has been bullied by sociopaths for 5 years non stop, from the north shore to the northern beaches of Sydney, its been ruthless, its been relentless. Spreading of rumours and lies, spreading the hate as far as they can, set ups, pretend friends, all to destroy her and her reputation. They are 18 now, is this going to go on much longer, as my health can’t stand much more.

  57. S.Minsker
    November 19th, 2015 at 07:00 | #58

    That was my “life”. Because I have been abused since I was 0 by my parents. I keep on getting abused, and framed, and ….. constantly. There are no defences any more, cause I am so broken. Anybody can do anything to me and get away with it. I am not surviving.
    Come rape me some more.


  58. George White
    February 19th, 2016 at 04:03 | #59

    This article has a lot of good points. I will have a hard time admitting this but I became a victim of
    sociopaths over the last ten years. Prior to being attacked by sociopaths, I was a best friend, a great
    boyfriend, a good student, always employed. My first encounter with a sociopath was frightening,
    and scarred me senseless. She attacked me at work, screamed, ranted, cussed, tore at me, and
    made threats for no reason at all. Over the last couple of years, at least one seriously deranged sociopath
    makes it past my legit boundaries and does horrifying things. I feel that there is a lot of misinformation
    written on websites that although I’m sure the contributors intent is good, there is just too much
    reiteration, not enough enlightenment. I feel that more needs to be done in this area, for it even to be considered
    a more important disease. Sociopaths in my opinion have a real and dangerous disease.

    Once the sociopaths who attacked me made verbal threats, were verbally abusive they escalated to smear
    campaigns, gas lighting, threats to kill me.

    Yes sociopaths do not have a conscience. They lack any remorse. They are many times CEO’s of large
    companies, their wives who are viewed as untouchable. Yes they have a system that allows to take advantage
    of very good people.

    Its very sad how sociopaths interact with people. Some have real trouble reading people correctly.
    Their issues are very tragic. Because they don’t realize that their acting creepy, they continue getting
    worse and worse. Their actions are not appropriate.

    Yes this is coming from a person who is a caring and loving person. I am by most male standards
    a loving and caring person.

    I find it very hard to handle to major emotional problems of sociopaths. They are coddled by Churches, CEO’s,
    Politicians. The real reason why. They are also sociopaths.

    Most sociopaths do what Trump do. Nastiness, name calling, threats.

    It sucks being a sociopath’s victim.

  59. tramplednavywife
    February 27th, 2016 at 16:51 | #60

    Help. I think I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for 12 years. I got so depressed the last two years from everything that was happening at home. My ex is a Navy SEAL that would constantly bully me and just spin reality. The physical abuse was bad but it is the emotional and mental part that started to break me. I felt like I was going crazy.
    I have been in counseling for 7 months. I have gotten stronger but I still have to deal with him. He continues to bully me through emails. It is so hard to have to continue to deal with him.
    I know I will never have closure…meaning he will never admit to anything or truly apologize for the harm he caused me. But, I don’t k ow how to deal with his emails that keep putting this spin on things. I need help.
    If I could at least thoroughly understand what I was dealing with…it will help.

  60. Rhonda
    June 2nd, 2016 at 14:59 | #61

    My niece age 45 named Sara must surely be a sociopath…. I have never known or seen a more competent LIAR and tall tale weaver… everyone in her idea is trying to control her or she says they are delusional including me… I’m old but not educated enough o be delusional (I think). I have helped enable her for years thinking I was helping her to get back on her feet and the truth has finely surfaced as she has not only robbed me blind secretly behind my back (I am stage 4 cancer patient), to the tune of $25,000, but also moved from place to place never paying rent but charming others to do so for her, rarely ever works and if so only as a fast waitress to make new acquaintances fast and sell her story of having met upon hard times. I am amazed at her success getting older folks to open doors for her. She is small in stature but has a violent subdued temper and often outrages that include knives chopping through doors and gun shots into the walls when she is confronted with lies and stolen property. She was not allowed to take old ladies cat with her so she strangled the cat with her bare hands. She has a medical background and boasts character through this but does not work in her field. She has had Two men DIE on her couch and three others in question that she lived with. She had a three year stretch with meth drugs but hid it very well and now shooting up morphine. She even has the police believing she is a victim of stalking and the poor executive that fell for her lost $10,000, his wife plus his really good job and ended up in jail for stalking. No one seems to win over this girl but the pawn tickets for my stuff are my only proof. Do these people EVER get well. This stuff has been on going for 20 plus years that I am aware of and now 3 cell phones she left in my house (now locked and barred) shows drug and prostitution activity. We all thought she was a tiny helpless waif who never seemed to get the good breaks in life. She is married to one man of 17 years but he raises their child alone and she has a fiancé’ who just found out she is still married. Her two and three week absences are attributed to her need to just get away and think due to the many abuses in her fantasy life. They bought that crap too. Both have lost a fortune, homes included. Can anything be done about people like this. I’m a little bit afraid but too old t worry about personal harm but she threatens people and burning down our house. I can’t prove this as it was verbal. I’m thinking about getting a gun permit. I have purchased a security system for my house. ??.

  61. charles
    August 7th, 2016 at 01:56 | #62

    sociopaths in m life have my sister convinced she poisoned people when she didnt. she was about 6 years old.i also believe he kidnapped herwhen she was about 4 he supposable found her at her dads after convicing her grandmother to tell where she was at but i believe he did it. so he could never get custody.

  62. October 15th, 2016 at 15:36 | #63

    don’t see why anyone would have a problem with sociopaths? maybe because they intentionally destroy people for no reason could have something to do with it. ya think?

  63. Janet Curtis
    November 30th, 2016 at 23:57 | #64

    my niece got out of prison twice thanks to my mother Now my mother said shes horrible worse not better i made another mistake and boy shes really got it in for you (im the daughter) and she want YOU in jail come hell or high water. she tapped moms phone and makes sure we dont communicate i had a pastor use my phone to call and whhat he heard shocked him Get it through yr head u dumb f..yr mom hates you and doesnt want to speak to you1 she didnt know it wasnt ME. he was shocked and said i bet yr mos afraid of her..of couse she is she attacks her tells her to BE on her side against me. raises her bp moms 90 we are best friends so this behavior in not normal. She IS a narcissitic sociopath a liar and has still has not gone to work at all. she speakes to me her aunt like i am no longer allowed at MY childhood home where i took care of my flks for ten yrs! the lies have spread so far to estranged siblings they are all against me now for NO reason but gossip and LIES! Im not the criminal she is she had the audacity to say I should go to prison ! and her moth is so foul i dont know how my mother is even siding with her after all the horrors she puts her through! turning the whole family against me the one who did the most. it is like a nightmare to lose communication with my mother. im alone and 500 mile away HOW does she have the power to tell me that i cant go home again? shes got mpoa now after i told mom do NOT give her any power now shes puffed up about it and says it upsets mom to talk to me. and mom does everything she says calling me the master manipulator while its her doiing the maniplating of my mother to keep me away so she can CONTROL the family home which is in no way hers but a nice free place to live! i should call her parole oficer wouldnt be surprised if she went to attorney and removed ME from the will/trust. she says its HER household and her mo now. how incredibly sad poor mom poor me I still need my mom

  64. Catherine S
    December 26th, 2016 at 14:51 | #65

    My young adult son is involved with someone who compulsively lies, is in constant crisis, and has isolated him. He even dropped out of school and moved to be with her.

    I am so worried about his future and emotional well being and don’t know what to do. We visit him and talk occasionally but he has walled off much of himself from us.

    Her lies have been exposed but she just creates new ones that he believes and makes excuses for her. My intelligent and capable son is being dragged down her rabbit hole and I feel helpless.

  65. Betty
    June 6th, 2017 at 08:02 | #66

    Liz Kreuzer :
    My daughter has been bullied by sociopaths for 5 years non stop, from the north shore to the northern beaches of Sydney, its been ruthless, its been relentless. Spreading of rumours and lies, spreading the hate as far as they can, set ups, pretend friends, all to destroy her and her reputation. They are 18 now, is this going to go on much longer, as my health can’t stand much more.

  66. Tommy
    September 19th, 2017 at 11:27 | #67

    Started a few years ago. I thought we were happy. We were your usual suburban professional couple. Financially secure, healthy, good sex life, two kids (14f and 9m at the time). I thought we had a healthy social life.

    We were going through one of your typical married couple rough patches. Both of us were working long hours, not spending enough time together, we were going through some developmental problems with my son and tensions in the house were running a little high.

    I noticed that she was spending a lot more time on her phone texting with her “girlfriends”. I didn’t think much of it. I started making a much more concerted effort to get out of work when I could, help around the house and be more emotionally available, but over the course of a few weeks the gulf just kept getting wider.

    The next day after I took the day off to knock out some projects that I thought would make her happy, and left her some sweet notes reminding her how much I appreciated her she was once again in the corner of the living room “texting her girlfriends”.

    I decided to embark on finding out what was going on and i was reffered to by my old friend to a white hat who literally made me end the whole union but made me move on with my life!

    I obtained the results from the hacker and all of my flaws, insecurities and secrets I entrusted to my partner were now fodder for her and JBC(her affair partner). Not only that, but while there wasn’t outright sexting there was a sexual

    I took off the next day and spent some time soul searching, drinking and trying to figure out what to do. The wife came home and wanted to know what was wrong and I just coped out and told her I had a bad day. A couple minutes later I was watching the iPad as the train wreck kept unfolding.

    So began a couple solid weeks of receiving screenshots and results, drinking and detaching myself from the relationship. I knew there was no going back from this.

    I consulted a lawyer and got my options, and started moving forward. If my life story seems similar to yours i advice you take actions and contact her for a positive life changing experience:


  67. frank hindle
    November 26th, 2017 at 17:45 | #68

    Rename your business. I know you shouldn’t have to. Discrediting is a common reaction. As to the ‘paths not caring they would not be wasting their time on “lesser mortals”. One thing paths hate is the truth about themselves . @Andreia



  68. jan
    May 6th, 2018 at 03:29 | #69

    is it true that mpoa gives the narc power to not allow visitors just by saying they upset her? my mom is deep into living with this felon niece and shes getting much worse we cant talk i dont know who can untap her landline. m lost and afraid for my poor 91 yr old mom. we cant speak without us both being threatened. mom even lied to the police due to fear of retaliation! HeLp!! its going on for yrs and moms gonna die!

  69. Franco frank
    December 17th, 2018 at 01:27 | #70

    The comments from the supposed sociopath above should prove one truth to all readers of his narcissistic rant and could serve to self enlighten the writer himself, the near primal unreasonable ‘fear’ of being figured or blamed or seen for what he really is, is missing in this one thereby, not, a true sociopath, in fact admiring the ‘no fear’ traits of these thus affected souls proves an ‘outside’ the clan outlook in this Machiavellian. Type A personality ‘balancers’ like myself have found that my high and tight B personality lacks,
    and thusly seeks a natural balance by type A’s, and quite often I am better for it. However it sounds as if this dude is ready to write Machiavellian manifestoes in his worship of the personality traits of socios as if they are going to be responsible for building the industrial ages future western wealth, as some capitalistic machevelian principles that many worship,, I know for sure that wise or more intelligent socios have heeded my sense or sensitivity of situations to all our benefit or escape in precarious situations. Yes I have been bruised by the out of control ones, the ones that are situationally in it for theirs and anyone else’s destruction, and are painting myself and others into their voyage of the Titanic corner, but I try to get every scrap of A out of these types till the very raggeddy edge of slipping into that lifeboat and avoiding that deathly cold grip. The writer has a point, ‘cowboy or cowgirl up’ I don’t worry or cry over the blame game or the sometimes substantial neurosis’s these gang members cause to affect in me, with the knowledge that I am strong enough to overcome these minor inconvenices to gain the right balance of caution versus sociopathic M.A.D. behaviors. I place the ‘just right’ socio as one of the, if not the, most important member. Usually not male, as when you add socio plus macho the individual is most ordinarily ‘over the top’ and can’t be counted on, the right conflicts in just the right ‘no fear nut’ can be as construçted, a diamond in the rough, of substantial value of many carets. Years that included many different social situations and human needs have shown me the righteousness of the balanced,,, anything.

  70. January 10th, 2019 at 07:55 | #71

    Your response just proves that you are a sociopath.

  71. February 24th, 2019 at 07:00 | #72

    You are a sociopath.

  72. Jen
    November 16th, 2019 at 17:57 | #73

    You are absolutely correct.

  73. Jen
    November 16th, 2019 at 18:07 | #74

    Psychopath/sociopath/ anyone who is crazy gets there via narcissism AKA=EGO, once you invent a false version of who you really are/ego-you are no longer able to Love because you traded your soul and ability to LOVE for it. Then you will just destroy anyone and everyone who has a soul and can love, sadistically because you are a devolved child of satan=ald chose to make yourself in his image of evil. As long as you have a soul and can LOVE you are a child of God and you can heal and you will survive satan’s onslaught and the vicious abuse at his children/slaves /minions hands. As soon as you become an atheist or reject God or abuse others, you are on your way to Hell for all eternity. I pity the mentally deranged whatever label the shrinks use to explain them. You are either good or evil end of story. Evil ends up in Hell and Good is one with God who is God, not a satanic psycho who pretend he is God for money power and sadistic pleasure.

  74. July 12th, 2021 at 20:06 | #75

    My psycho next-door neighbor pounds on our shared condo walls all hours of the day because her psychopath “leader” told her lies about me. She is nothing but an ass-kissing flying monkey who has a lot of free time on her hands. Her husband is equally as psychotic. They deserve each other. My neighbors are also very nosy, which I hate. They even got their kids to bully us. Their kids are going to grow up to be psychopaths too.

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