angiEmedia

I’m an active reader of Angiemedia but I couldn’t disagree more with this article. We don’t want or need more government oversight. It’s incompetent, crude, and mostly dishonest. Pushing for more intervention by police only exacerbates the problem.

What the writer of this article misses is that government intervention, and the possibility that one or the other parent can increase the pain on the other parent, is the problem–not the solution. Parents feuding who feel that they can cause pain or trauma to the other parent opens the tug of war. “There can be no peace when the only option is war.”

The solution is not more tug of war. The solution is clear and easy rules of custody. Family Courts should be handcuffed to offer only very, very limited dispute resolution mechanisms. This removes the potential to hurt another parent by taking away the discretion of a judge to rule strongly in favor of one or the other. 50/50 custody, period. That’s it. No more ability to fight about it? Good. Move on with something more productive. End of dispute.

Peace to all of you in custody disputes–be gentle–your child’s future is at stake, and never forget the story of King Solomon re: “splitting the baby”.

From Wikipedia:

The saying is based upon the Biblical passage in 1 Kings 3:16-28, where two new mothers approach Solomon, bringing with them one dead baby boy. Each mother presents the same story and accusation: She and the other woman live together and have both recently given birth to baby boys. One night, soon after the birth of their respective boys, the other woman woke to find that she had smothered her own baby in her sleep. In anguish and jealousy, she took her dead son and exchanged it with the other’s child. The following morning, the woman discovered the dead baby, and soon realized that it was not her own son, but the other woman’s.

After some deliberation, King Solomon calls for a sword to be brought before him. He declares that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy’s true mother cries out, “Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!” However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaims, “It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!” Solomon instantly gives the live baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother’s instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child.”

It is often better to give than receive.

Peace to all.

@Cole Stuart

I agree with you that 50/50 custody should be the law and there should only be deviation from this with agreement of both parents or severe circumstances and solid evidence.

Putting clear rules on the areas mentioned above can help reduce conflict. Vague rules result in sociopaths trying to twist the meanings and intent and find loopholes and grey areas to cause trouble.

Do you disagree with all the points or just the one about doing exchanges at a police station? I can see why you’d disagree with that given the bias of police against guys, but if you’ve experienced your children’s other parent refusing to turn over the kids, turning them over late or not showing up, going in your car without your permission, making the children cry and upset by pinching them as they are handed over, and other such stunts, you really do not want to be doing exchanges without somebody monitoring them. Surveillance is also a great idea, but some judges are too ignorant to understand why other judges ordered surveillance. Apparently they can’t seem to get it through their thick skulls or into their diminutive brains that having a recorded record of an exchange makes the exchanges more likely to go smoothly because it means the really egregious problems are far less likely to happen.

I think the best place to exchange kids is through schools as the kids get some decompression time between parent A dropping them off and parent B picking them up. Also, the staff probably know something about parents disagreeing in divorces and want to stay out of it. But that’s not an option on weekends, evenings, or for babies. Police stations are better than residences when you’re dealing with a nasty sociopath.

Even better is somebody who is trustworthy and both parents like, but the odds are such a situation will not last as the sociopath will mess it up by a distortion campaign and other tactics. You could quickly find the “neutral” exchanger suddenly is making the exchanges more difficult because of being manipulated by the sociopath.

Professional exchanges center are an option, too, but the costs add up. I think the chances of exchanges being peaceful goes up if both parents are required to split the exchange costs equally and the first choice option is the lowest cost one such as a school with the other ones like professional exchange centers only being used if conflict levels go up or the other less expensive but still safe methods are not available.

Respectfully Rob- You have never lived thru the trauma. My ex had supervised visits and at the request of the referee I naively agreed to my ex’s friends being supervisors so kids didn’t have to go to local abuse center for supervised visits. The ex immediately started in on campaign of portraying himself a victim of cruel malicious vindictive wife. He twisted their minds. He had his friends pretend to be CPS workers during supervised visits, he had his friends spying from other parts of the home to see how kids responded when I picked them up, told his friends I called them obscene names and they called the police on me during a pickup at ex’s house. My kids told officer I never swore but just asked the supervisor to go back into the house and let me parent my children- but who did authorities believe it was two adults against one. I could tell you other horror stories. Finally the parenting coordinator ordered exchanges at police station- specific order that ex husband and supervisor was to stay outside and I was to wait inside. On next visit the ex was waiting inside with his friend. I quietly reminded ex and supervisor that they were to reimain outside and the supervisor told me that I was a legalistic “pharisee”. Finally after two years of court battles, court ordered therapists, my requsting and then following thru with communicating with ex is via email- the truth is being understood. So- waiting at a police station for ex to drop off kids is truly in the best interest of the child when dealing with these types of situations. The police at our station have maintained a respectful neutral and it has cut down on the drama associated with each and every exchange. I wish I had pushed for this earlier in the case even though my ex had “supervisors” with him. Unless you have lived it you can’t believe it- it is hard to believe even when you are going thru it.

Sylvia Gunther has a wonderful book for those of Christian Faith on how to deal with “Saul Personalities” (ie Saul of OT who persecuted David). It contains the best biblical description of a sociopath that I have found. It addresses how sin and wounding creates a sociopath. It also gives concrete means of getting your life back and healing: not throwing back barbs, not engaging with the abuser, healty boundaries of which the above guidelines would work for many cases, and maintainnig a non-bitter heart by praying for good for your abuser is the best way to handle. My frequent prayer now days is that God gives me the extreme wisdom in parenting our children and the peace to follow His directions. Which is how I ended up hear- looking for concrete ways to parent our two children so they can grow up as healthy as possible.

@Jan

Jan, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such bad experiences. This happens to both mothers and fathers as there are plentiful sociopathic parents of both genders and target parents often have no real idea why nor resources to help them until after they and their children have been badly harmed, often for many years.

I have lived through the trauma.

I’ve been falsely accused of domestic violence, child sexual abuse, and more.

I’ve been through exchanges with my ex who refused to turn over the children and tried to traumatize them about being away from her.

I’ve been through exchanges in which my ex’s friends went to significant effort both to harass me and stress out the children. Then they went to court and lied about it to a biased and incompetent judge, falsely claiming that I was the reason the exchanges were difficult and thereby causing even more damage.

In my opinion, anybody dealing with a sociopath who is their children’s other parent needs a parental coordinator who is trained in psychology and understands that regardless of gender, there are many sociopathic malicious liars who will go so far as to abuse their children if they think they can frame the other parent for child abuse or even just agitate them.

Merely having training in psychology ensures nothing. There are plenty of counselors and psychologists who assist in child abuse willingly and eagerly because they are too gullible or biased to be able to see their clients are malicious manipulators. They lack complete information, yet are eager to side with the sociopath to harm the children and target parent.

A poorly trained or biased parental coordinator could make things worse, just as counselors, therapists, and psychologists who lack the training and experience with personality disorders and custody conflicts often do.

Psychological evaluations are not particularly helpful, either. You can spend tens of thousands of dollars only to get a report that is then completely disregarded by a biased or incompetent judge and then be faced with even a worse situation than at the start.

The skills of competent and fair psychological evaluators would be far better applied as parental coordinators. They could do a lot more good for the families involved and they would end up having a much better understanding of the destructive dynamics created by each particular sociopathic parent and how to protect the children and the target parent while still enabling the kids to have relationships with both of their parents.

Neutral exchange sites are needed, too. But depending upon people who are present to understand what they are seeing is not adequate. There should be full surveillance of these sites with multiple camera angle video and audio recordings retained for multiple years and accessible by subpoena and to the parental coordinator. It is best if the sociopathic parent and target parent are kept far apart and the children can engage in some distracting activity on the way from one parent to the other.

You can’t simply trust the police. Even a good cop will not be able to pay full attention all the time. A short distraction such as a call on the police radio could enable a sociopathic parent to set up an incident to frame the target parent. Worse, many police officers are readily manipulated by a sociopathic parent. You could find yourself handcuffed, arrested, roughed up, or even with a gun pointed in your face by a cop who isn’t skilled enough to understand how he or she is being manipulated by a sociopathic parent and is convinced that you, the target parent, are the bad person.

One of the best exchange sites is the children’s school lobby that is surveilled by multiple video cameras. Kids can be “decontaminated” by a day in school before seeing their other parent, giving them plenty of time to forget to some degree the bashing and denigration that many of these kids hear from their sociopathic parent. One parent drops off before school, the other parent picks up after school. There are hours between, so there should virtually never be a legitimate need for the two parents to be present in that school lobby at the same time.

Ideally, school staff should be trained on parental alienation, child abuse, and common problems in custody battles. There should be a counselor or psychologist who is well-versed and unprejudiced in these areas to help them stay neutral and to do what is best for the children. Sadly, this does not seem to be a common situation.

As for religion, it is often a tool of the sociopath. As many writings on parental alienation discuss, religious groups often take the side of a sociopathic parent. Religion can become a tool used to denigrate the target parent to the children. In their zeal to “do good”, church staff and members often become enablers and participants in child abuse, yet they think they are “helping” in some way. “I’m so sorry your father abused you” or “not everybody is a sinner like your mother” might seem to them to be helpful comments, but often they are simply assisting in emotional child abuse by repeating the lies they have been told by the sociopathic parent. They become directly responsible for emotional child abuse themselves.

It’s great that you’ve found some religiously oriented text that is helping you deal with your children’s sociopathic parent. Certainly there are some religious people who do understand the problem of parental alienation. Unfortunately, in my own experience, it is far more common for a self-proclaimed “person of faith” to fail to understand his or her own religion and to engage in child abuse, harassment, defamation, and other illegal activities because he or she is too gullible to recognize manipulation via misinformation by a sociopath. The sociopath often looks pretty or handsome, almost invariably plays the victim well, and can readily repeat all sorts of religious phrases that help suck in the do-gooder as an ally for evil deeds. In such situations, churches can become very harmful to children.

Please help me understand…is it beneficial for a child to have private visitation with the sociopathic parent? Are you as parents fearful for your child’s well being? What do you do when your child is a baby and can’t tell you that the other parent smacks and belittles them?

Maybe somebody here can give me some advice: This is a very, very short outline of what I got into, and does even not contain the emotional abuse I went through.

I have 2 children (2y and 10 months old) with a NPD mother, going through divorce, and she pretty much refuses to work, but is building up her business No. XYZ. I know for a fact by now, that she treated her partners as banks (paying for further education etc) while cheating on them. Of course she is of charming, ‘lucid’ appearance, but to date she successfully prevented any discussion of issues with anybody else present (she cut me off from all my friends early on).

I am a heavily involved father, however, I am also the only bread winner since she decided to stay at home. Pretty much everything she ever told me about herself (I know her now 3 years) from degrees or whatever happened in her past life is bluntly lied. She always refused to pay bills, and is indebted seriously (before our relationship). Within our relationship she brought us pretty much to the brink of bankruptcy by just taking money to build up her businesses which were apparently never successfully run (as the ones before we met).

Coparenting with this woman is hell. The screaming of her towards me in front of the children subsided a bit, but still: taking out the kids for 6h straight will make her fight me in rage as taking out the kids at 65F (too cold). The kids can get scratches at her place, but when they get one at mine or the older one fell and has a scratch on his knee I get emails saying that she is not sure if the kids are safe with me. If I want to take the kids out on a warm evening (6-7.30) to the beach (they LOVE the beach and she ‘does not do the beach’) she will be furious that I am risking a heat stroke of the younger one). Etc etc.

She is completely devoid of empathy, although she is good to the children (I believe). The financial pressure is enormous and her position to not work but being there for the children puts me even more into a bad position in regard to custody issues (she is primary caretaker, since I care enough to get rents – her and mine – paid). Way too much to explain here.

Anyway, it is clear that she pretty much wanted a child, and after being pregnant she pretty much dumped me. Only her grandma which she respected (and who is dead now) apparently convinced her to stay with me, and eventually she got pregnant again (form having sex once, what are the odds?). But it is apparent that she wanted to have a child with somebody who can provide. I am with the kids every day, every lunch, bring them to bed every day and bath them or one of them every day. 3 nights the week they are with me, every Saturday and second Sunday. In the last 2 months I had them pretty much 5 evenings/nights the week, every Saturday and Sunday since it was convenient for her (she got a side role in a performance which allows her to brag without interruption on facebook how important she is), and in fact she called me a ‘glorified babysitter – nothing more’.

My children mean everything to me, and the thought that they will grow up with this woman who is devoid of real feelings, ethics, empathy, who is lying, cheating, defying, etc, etc scares me to death. And I am paying already my ass off since she doesn’t want to have a job and thus is with the children during the day, while my life is no different from a widowed single dad with a job, beside of the stream of threats I am getting (she moves away, will freeze my assets, I won’t see my kids again, I’m walking on egg shells, and I think she just filed a restraining order – and that although I never harmed anybody in my life, and she hit ME lately…).

What can I do? What are my chances? What is ‘best’ for the children, according to common sense and/or jurisdiction??

I am so glad I find this page. I thought I was the only one living through this nightmare. The messages written by Rob and Jan could very well have been written by me. The nightmare continues. And because my ex “appears” to be so charming, kind, and caring, the professionals seem to think that the difficulty my ex and I have communicating is because of ME. They have no idea what this guy turns into (werewolf) when no one but me is looking.

I’m Donna Andersen, the author of Lovefraud and the woman in the photo with this article. I’d like to make one correction. Lovefraud does not focus exclusively on sociopathic men. Although, statistically, there are more sociopathic men than women, we are well aware that the pathological women are out there, and of the harm that they cause. In fact, one section of our blog is dedicated to female sociopaths.

The family court system desperately needs education on this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not love their children. They are not capable of loving anyone. So, if they care about their children at all, it is only as a prized possession – the same as a car or a flat-screen TV. Usually they neglect their children. In the extreme cases, they actively try to mold the children into a sociopathic mini-me.

Anyone who advocates strict 50/50 custody does not understand the damage and destruction caused by sociopathic parents, whether they are male or female.

@Lovefraud

Hello Donna Andersen,
Do you have an email address or a means to communicate with you directly, as I do not feel comfortable disclosing my situation in detail here. My husband and I are entangled in a SEVERE case of parential alienation dealing with 2 sociopaths, his ex-wife and her new husband in which the welfare of 4 children are at stake. The situation is complex and complicated and we have been enduring this for 3 long years and are at the point that we feel like “we are screaming and nobody is listening”. It is as if no one, not even professionals, want to believe that our situation is real and that 2 people, parents, can be as vile and manipulative as what we are dealing with. I feel like I have aged 20 years since this began and we find it nearly impossible to find anyone capable of grasping the reality of what is going on with us. We are desparate for someone experienced with this to hear us and help us for the childrens sake. Thank you for your time. It is greatly appreciated. Angela

I feel that I have no place in which to turn. I have read so many sites about coparenting with a sociopath, narcissist, jerk, etc, and every site gives me advice that sounds great in a perfect world but in reality, is unrealistic. I have read about “talking over situations with the ex” like that is magically going to solve problems. I have read about “getting restraining orders to protect oneself” but my particular court system let my ex walk all over me even when he had a restraining order against him. I live in a small town. How do I get justice? How do I get this father to follow the decree and take care of his children and their expenses? I do not have extra money to hire a lawyer. I expect and demand that he follows the decree but he won’t. There is no communication or discussion. There is no explaining my point of view. That is why we are divorced….NO COMMUNICATION, NO DISCUSSION. Help. I am fearful for my safety. I sleep with a bat under my bed. I lock not only the wooden door but the screen door. My ex is the classic bipolar, narcissist, sociopath.

If I were you I would move. I would also go to the nearest Social Services building and speak with Child Warefare Dept. or which ever Dept that handles safety of the children. They will refer you to a Social Worker that will open a case for the children and as there Custodial parent they should be able to give you a list of resources and organizations that may be able to give you support and protection for you and the kids.

@Beth

Rob I know your pain. I went through the same war but came out with full custody of my twin boys. War started when they were two got custody when they were five they are fifteen now. I could swap my ex for yours and you have the same woman. I was falsely accused, arrested, dragged through family court aka kangeroo court. My ex hospitalized one of my sons when he was five. She convinced the court I commited domestic violence and my son witnessed it causing him to act out. The child never showed any signs of emotional problems. He missed his dad that’s all. She alienated my children from me. Eventually with the help of a good lawyer I prevailed but it took awhile and my kids suffered. Hang in there the truth always prevails in the end.

I myself was in an 8 year relationship with a narcissistic sociopathic woman. It never dawned on me that there could have been other women out there. After her third affair I had had enough. Unfortunately our two children now 10 and 7 are paying the price along with my new family. We have been in and out of court many times over the last three years including fighting criminal charges she was succesful in filing, which were nulle processe due to her lies. The courts do not want to hear that 50/50 custody doesn’t work and that it is both parties responsibility to make it work for the children. At this point I truly believe it can’t always work. I am not perfect by any means but me and my girlfriend have done everything humanly possible to foster a healty and loving relationship. This is the last chance for me to try and prove to the court that her involvement is unhealthy for our children and visitation needs to be supervised at a minimum. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained by events of the last three years and don’t want to feed my children to the wolves by giving up but I don’t think I can go on much longer. There is so much more to my story that most wouldn’t even believe but I will end it here. This has got to come to an end.

@ Shannon
Im trying to figure this out myself. There is nothing worse than having a true sociopath in your life through this recovery, I too have to deal with permitting visitation, when I really worry about what he puts in my child’s head while with him. If he can screw with an adult mind on that level how much easer is it to mess with a young child’s mind. They are so vulnerable. currently the laws to protect women from these cases pretty much don’t exist unless you make it your life. Sociopaths use their children as tools and to help them feel like normal people. document, document, document. best thing in this case.

@ emile

Rob, I couldn`t agree more 50/50 should be offered straight up! From experience I know my abuser would not step up to the plate (for long anyway). I believe if 50/50 negotiated through court were the given, these irresponsible people would want minimal contact and if it looks like you are not fighting they dont want to win. Me being married to this person knew he could not handle the children for long and they got in the way of his personal life. He only wanted to fight because he looked bad,(in his own distortion campaign) once he won the minimal contact he wanted,( and we only went to court after a 5 months absence on his behalf and because I got RUMOUR by phone of him and his new girlfriend being back in town from the other side of the country, taking the children and not bringing them back then going to court to make out I was a bad parent..The rumour became believable when I hung up the phone and instantly his girlfriend appeared at my front door and asked if they could take the children to see their grandmother whom was in hospital and they had no idea if she would come out( emphasema, she lasted 13 years more) Ofcourse I said put it in writing but no written request came so I took the kids to see grandma) he bailed (it took him 2.5 months to run back to the other side of the country, no loss to me and the children had peace) and he has only been part of his childrens lives when I have happened by him by chance and offered time ( I always wanted the kids to know him even if it was to learn what not to do). The bottom line here is I believe we as parents have children together, that is a life time for us and any children involved. If, when people divorce in conflict child matters go straight to court and offer 50/50 negotiated down to what the abuser really wants. Mediation does not work because the abuser really only wants to come out of this all justified and looking like some sort of super hero with POWER. Divorce , conflict, agreed, straight to court third party helps negotiate it down or what ever, set in stone.
As the mother of these children I found that their father if I did not try to prove my self to him and he believed he was getting his own way he left us alone and I picked up the pieces let the children know thier fathers strengths (being what attracted me and was attractive for them to know) so they could always see the best in them selves and let them make thier own decisions from any time they did get with him. They are young adults and have seen trauma and it has left its mark but they are strong and moral and doing really well for them selves. I am proud to have come out the otherside with such beautiful people 22yrs 17yrs 15yrs old and I thank thier father for showing me and them a hard drama filled life for 6 years living together and probaly 2 years maximum he has spent with them in the 13yrs apart so that when we actually got peace we appreciated it wholly and we can identify abusers almost immediately (awesome).. We can not protect our children from everything, they need to experience life and who they are. I know every case is different but if 50/50 really is the reliable starting point, maybe it could be stated in hospital at the birth of a child “you do realise these children are a 50/50 with the paternal parents? You are responsible for what you can do to the best of your ability and dito for the other person” Or maybe anti natal classes should incorperate some of this idealism to pre birthing parents?? I don`t know, we are all so different. Ah Utopia would be good!

I have read a lot of these comments briefly and in my case what is mentioned about 50/50 custody (especially the child support issue) is incorrect. I have has 50/50 with a BPD/NPD mother. She has done all the usual tricks and manipulations that have been mentioned. We were never married, but I “invited” her to stay with me late in her pregnancy (she presented herself as homeless even though I know she could have lived with her mother or grandparents) while she was supposedly saving for an apartment. Of course that never happened. Our daughter was born and I couldn’t imagine how this person was going to take care of our child on her own. I offered marriage and she said yes. She soon had talked me into buying an engagement ring (using my school loan money) and then she systematically started her campaign against me. Her mood swings increased with vigor, she brought things home from stores (she had no money or job) so it was most likely shop lifted, she started cutting herself when she wasn’t getting her way. She seemed to never want me to be away and called me at my job and school along with constant belittlement for not making more money and putting her and our child first. (That’s exactly what I was trying to do by marrying her.) I quickly found out with the help of what friends she hadn’t scared away and my family that there was no helping or changing her. I was never going to be good enough or do enough. Damned if I do – damned if I don’t situation. I moved out when our daughter was 3 1/2 months . She quickly put an order of protection on me. This insured her “my apartment” that I continued to pay for and all my possessions. To top it off I had to pay back child support for those 3 1/2 months since we were not married and “everything” I had done and bought was considered a gift. That is how you are right on about how the system favors the sociopath. They didn’t give a hoot about me or my needs and still don’t. I have 50/50 and pay support as if she has primary. She doesn’t work most likely never will. She is too busy running to ER for newest ache and pain and getting pregnant. By my calculations she is now pregnant for the 6th time and she’s only 24 years old. She only given birth 2 or 3 times though. I believe her first was taken away from her, although she said she miscarried. The others most likely weren’t going to “pay off” like she had hoped so she aborted them. She’s playing the family card- something the BPD knows all to well that the courts love to accommodate the “family that’s trying” and especially the “single mother.” I regret that I settled for 50/50 and let my then lawyer scare me away from doing the right thing for my daughter. Limiting as much time from a sociopath parent is “in the best interest” of any child.

@Rob

Donna, my ex has exerted his legal right to 50/50 care but just loves farming our 3yr old son out to others, especially his partner, rather than spend much time with him. I consider this a form of neglect. They share 5 children between them. Recently my boy came home saying his stepmum hit him in the face..plus there’s been bruising on his arm. Of course this is all a ‘fabrication’ he has decided (because it’s inconvenient for him to deal with) . Social services are investigating, and I’m crossing my fingers. He’s a Detective and his girlfreind is a lawyer so can you imagine how they are going to try and act like model citizens

With all due respect when a mom and her children are battered is it a great idea to force them into a parenting agreement in which she has to get permission from her batterer in order to proceed with any parenting decision? 50/50 doesn’t work. In the days when judges gave children to moms the crime rate was down, now children are bounced between households like ping-pong balls instead of being treated like human beings, it affects their psychological and spiritual health, and they grow up to be criminals. Adults would have trouble coping with jumping between two households every few days. How are children supposed to survive this even if the father ISN’T abusive?

@ Cole Stuart
Could not DISAGREE more. As a survivor of co-parenting with a borderline ex, and witnessing disputes with my current wife and her sociopath ex, I have seen enough. I did the 50/50 and it made it worse. The battle then becomes sadistic. She took the kids to doctors they didn’t need… scheduled elective surgeries, put them on sedatives they didn’t need… took pictures of bruises that SHE put on them… called DCS accusing me of being a molester… claimed I burglarized her home… I’m just getting warmed up. She put 2 kids in the hospital, wrecked them emotionally, and between the lost income, destroyed property, and legal bills… cost me well over $100k. That’s just one of them. The other is a violent stalker who has keyed my wife’s car in the COURTHOUSE parking lot, come at me with his car at the same location, and has started fights at school and is now bullying my 12 year old daughter. He has taken the child twice and left the state. They do things that are too ridiculous to believe really happen… and they get away with it. By the time it catches up to them, it’s too late for the kids. Mine were lucky, after a year and a half ordeal in Juvenile court, my kids are with me solely. She can see them with the babysitter with the clipboard taking notes. The kids feel safe, for a change, and have made a complete 180. They are active, and make the honor roll, and get awards out the yazoo. It is IMPOSSIBLE to co-parent with these people, it is IMPOSSIBLE to parallel parent with them. The ONLY solution is to cut them off or at most allow them professional supervision. Even at that… that orange juice might really be Red Bull… or they might drop lice in the kids hair… or that chocolate cake might be full of laxatives… I wouldn’t ever think of this stuff… but a Borderline will.

50/50 can work with reasonable people. I think that psych evals should be almost compulsory at the beginning of any co-parenting arrangement with a 1 yr follow up. That may sound like an expensive mandate, but 300-500 up front is a hell of a lot lower than any legal retainer, and the results from those can nip a lot in the bud. These disorders get passed down to the kids through exposure… eliminate the exposure, and the illness will be much less prevalent in the next generation. It’s unfortunate that there is no other solution. If my ex were to ever get any real custody back, I think I would have to leave the country to get away from it. I will not go through that again.

I’ll add a bit more…. I live in a very backwards place…. Tennessee. Nuff said. I won the unthinkable case with my three daughters. I faced every accusation in the book. Woman judge. Woman guardian ad litem. Woman CASA. Therapists (plural), case managers(plural), and teachers…. all of the breasted variety. Throw in the allegations of sexual abuse with an ex mother in law who is the director of the child abuse canter… can we stack the deck any more? I beat the nutbar. There is only one way to do that. Find a shrink that is used to testifying. Ask them if they are afraid of sociopaths… at this point they will either kick you out, or show you their Taser. You should have a long history of voicemails, text messages, or emails that show their true colors. Stick to what you can PROVE… then add what you can’t. DO NOT EXAGGERATE. They will catch it and call you the nut. Any mental health professional will know that you cannot fix these people, and any effort will just make it worse. Get the kids to them… let them find out from the kids how they are being affected. If the kids are showing signs of harm, in any way, and the other parent has or is suspected of this diagnosis, a judge is much more likely to do something. An order for them to be evaluated is a start. They either will not do it, or they will flunk it. It is CRITICAL that you also meet with the person evaluating or they will be fooled. Then you get visitation cut to supervised only in a place that actually pays attention, and any phone contact is to be supervised with you retaining the right to monitor, record, and terminate a call as needed. I actually got away with stating on the stand…” while she’s showing you her best side… she’s showing me her back side.” I had the ammo to back that up. While she sobbed that I wouldn’t let her talk to the kids and would hang up for no reason… I had volumes of evidence to the contrary… she was asking them to tell the judge they wanted to go live with her, she was offering love and affection for compliance… on and on. Guilt trips…. garbage. Today the girls can have a nice, peaceful visit for a couple of hours a week… with someone watching. That’s as good as it gets. I’m still afraid of police cars. I’m still afraid of opening the mailbox. I still fear what she might do next. You can’t ever make that go away entirely. All the threats she made about taking the kids from me and what she would do… she followed through on all but one. I will live in fear of that one that has yet to be acted upon until one of us is in the ground.

@Jan I just realized my soon to be X husband is a Narcissitic Sociopath, He fits both in the sense he does need validation from others to feel alive and constaly talks about HIMSELF. I mean he wont see his kid for a month & when he does all he talkes about is HIMSELF and how great he is doing. Our son is 3, This man Decived me BAD, said he was a Christian man and had changed his life (he goes thru these Reilougous spells quite frequently) VERY soon into our marriage we had issues. Cheating with 15yr olds, possibly pregnancies, he cudnt hold a job, BAD anger problem, no remorse for anyones feelings at all, always had an excuse for why he did things, cant utter the words “I was wrong or I need to change” he is 36 and homless living off the means of the church..I have Full Custody and he gets SUPERVISED vists every 2 weeks for 24 hrs. No matter what,,,, There can be no peace when the only option is war.” I have ALWAYS been the targert of his narcissim and he has told his family im Bi-polar, told the church I cheated on him, bashed out the windows of an X BF of mines IN THE CHURCH parking lot, has threatned every employer he ever worked for, casually says “I am goin to burn her car up” Split somones head open over $3…NOW i have to co-parent with this Naricssitic Socipath! He has ben good to my son though, again he is only 3 though and he isnt aruond him too much. Our final courtdate is in OCT and id like to get him mentally evaulated…If I can keep him out of our lives we can have peace..My eyes are finally opened to why he is the way he is…He viewed Rape type porn (found it on my PC) and has a serios issue with Porn, anger, cant hold a job, and he doesnt want me , cus i FOUND HIM OUT… I know the REAL him and am NOT an assest to him. He has stated how he is “every girls knight in shining armour” lol. Very polite to others and respectful, I fear people wont belive me, and Ill tick the N off..He has theatned my life, said His child want his no more, left the state and didnt speak to our son for over 6months, All I wanted was peace and cud never understand why he did the things he did or said the things he said,,I didnt belive he cud really mean it?? Normal people dont think to bash out windows, or kill people over telling them they need to pick up the pace at work! As I reflect he has hurt my son in the sense of his inconsitant lifestyle and leaving for extended periods of time, I have NO DOUBT that if he was to find a “resource” in another country he wud be on the next flight and not think twice about how it wud affect his son, who actaully loves his father very much..I alwatys thought keepin him invovled with my son was the best thing for my son and I never wanted to be the one that caused him to NOT have a father ( Ialready have one son who’s father isnt arond due to drugs and alchol) When I hear him talk about God it makes me ill, And im a beliver, its like he says all these things to make himself look Goood and he wants me to say “Boy u sure are doing Good” He doesnt provide for his son at all, nor does he call jsut to ask how he is doing. THis man will talk NON STOP about HIMSELF for hours if u let him and considers it disrespectful if u have to fold laundry while he is speakin ! What alarmed me the most the other day during one of his rambles he said “since i have been young ive thougt of 2 tings, MURDER AND RAPE and now Im delivered, God set me free” The hairs on the back of my neck stood up! Why wud he say this?? I hope its tru but he has been doing this religous stuff for along time and is how he got me to marry him and now finally admits he married me to have sex with me….(im against pre-martial sex) his victims/women are always ones in crisis, when he met me I had a broken back and foot and he came to my aid and was aroudn NON STOP treated me like GOLD. It wasnt until we married shorly after his how demanor changed…what can I do to be an effective co-parent?? CAn I RUN? I need to make a decison b4 October and tell my lawyer about this stuff and get any visitaiton taken away, cus im afraid of what the furutre may hold for my son and my children. I belive if i was to move on with another man, he wud take it really hard and I dont know how is Narcissim will affect our son when he is older….I dont know what to expect as my son grows and matures what kinda inflence he will be on him…HE told my son who was 2.5 to take a bat to a kid who bite him at daycare (said he was joking) but kids take that Literally he even handed him the bat…Any suggestions, on what I can petition the courts for and if I shoud bring this up to my lawyer, I dont wana piss the N off too much, but I have to protect my son and myself……

I think each situation varies. I am dealing with a sociopath male. He is the biological father of my four year old son. The drama has been over the top ever since I left him. He is very manipulative, dishonest, and very bitter. He has been trying to bring me down. He is ordered to pay child support which he doe not pay regulary. He has sturdy relationships with different women who dont mind him being unemployed. He has manipulated teachers, cps workers, etc. I am thinking about suing him for malicious prosecution because he calls cps workers on me about every year. He makes false accusations that result in each case being closed. He is evil. We were recently ordered by the judge to meet at local police departments which is a good idea. I put off going to school and getting education because of the drama. But now I am back in school and pursuing a degree and planning on moving soon. Dont live in the same city with them. The visitations will have to be more frequent. They usually dont work so they will have financial difficulties.

Sociopath aka “The Devil” is always looking for ways to manipulate, lie, and get his way. I have been going through this hell for 4 and a half years. First he wanted a paternity test to prove my son was really his. I believe that was done to humiliate me and make me look like a loose women. Then when I filed child support he got really upset and tried to push for more time with my son. I get my son majority of the time but he gets substantial visits. We have been in and out of court in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have took on jobs to support my son because like I said he wont pay any child support. I dont depend on child support bc I work and keep jobs. Hes on child support bc I considered it a punishment for the hell he took me through. It eventually comes to a point about every year where if he doesnt pay something, they will arrest him. He doesnt work at all. I know he lives to manipulate different women who work, have a place, and transportation. I even worked as a Detention Officer bc I wanted the courts to favor me. It worked, they looked at me as being more stable and gave me some of what I wanted. I guess I dont want to have any contact with him at all. He is very dangerous, especially when he gets upset. Not to long ago he attacked my fiance. We went to court. He got a slap on the hand. They held him in civil comtempt. But he lied and said my fiance started with him. He coned a fake witness to come to court. He is crazy. But Im gonna move away from this area. Staying in the same city with this animal makes things more uncomfortable. I would probally puke if I run into him at the movies, grocery store, restaurant, etc. As for my son, I take him to counseling regulary just in case he tries to make any more false accusations. One day I may have to use his therapist in court.

Does anyone have any other advice dealing with sociopath males. It seems that everyone on this site is dealing with sociopaths. Maybe we can share ideas and information on how we can live more peaceful lives.

Dealing with a narcissist co-parent is the most challenging event the other parent and children can go thru while the other parent is on a war path. I fully support 50/50 parenting, however not when the parents have to go thru the courts system. For two good parents, they don’t need a GAL or judge! Yes, the courts need to be better educated on mental disorders and how to determine and treat it. My question is this: How do you “learn” to communicate with the other parent to benefit everyone???? I have tried kindness, praise words (which he took as a sign to ask more and more), I tried little verbal communication (to which he got upset I was hiding something from him), I have stop all “emotional “words in any form of communication which was helping a little bit (meaning not responding to the drama) so now he has turn towards our daughters (4 and 6) in a form of parent alienation for his NPD supply. Nothing is working….. I am drained!

Brief back ground: The courts think because of my lack of emotional outburst and straight forwardness, I am cold hearted adulteress like he told them without any shred of proof, so I am stuck with a 65% – 35% co-parenting with mutual agreement on all decision making even though he hadn’t see his daughters for 1 ½ years. Yes, he was deployed for 9 months, however when we got married he wasn’t in USMC (retired), and came home one day saying he signed back up and was leaving in 6 months because he “had to get away from family life” , during that time he lost his command overseas due to drinking and fighting and trying to get his gay Lt Col removed . After all that he was reassigned to FL on a good post and never once came back to visit his daughters until he got released for drinking and fighting again. He refused to show his fit-rep to courts or his discharged papers and they felt the need to give him a second chance without asking for anything. Our daughters are torn, on “Daddy’s happy days, they love going, on Daddy’s bad mood days, they refuse to go and he blames me of course……..Since that…..

I have tried to work within the agreement only for him to always trying to changing the schedule, disagree with me on every need for the girls including a trip to ER room, hurt me verbally and thru others by stalking me………

What I need help on how to “deal” (communication) with him without him going into all the drama, debate and temper tantrums. Suggestions other than going back thru the broken court system?

Wow Cole! Obviously you have never been involved with a sociopath. Thank God for that. For those of us who have, we need all the governmental interference we can get. A sociopath will take any opportunity to skew the facts in order to make the other parent seem unfit, insane, even abusive. I have struggled for a long time to regain my reputation as an honorable human and a caring attentive mother after my X, successfully attempted to assassinate my character. It took a while, but now the small town in which I live can see how he manipulated anyone who would lend an ear. Again, THANK GOD you don’t know anything about this

Ok, I did a little more reading, and Cole and others who believe in 50/50 custody, if you had primary custody of your children from a sociopath/NPD parent, would you still believe in 50/50 custody across the board?

Rhonda — You make a good point. In many cases relationships fall apart because one or both of the people in the relationship are manipulative, dishonest, or just plain cruel. The original author estimated at 1%-4% of the population are “sociopaths” — i.e., people who don’t care about how their selfish behavior affects others. Frankly, based on my personal experience as a lawyer and the headlines I see everyday, I think this percentage estimate is desperately low.

If I may, Rhonda, suggest that you may have missed a very important point of this article, and the other extremely well researched and balanced articles at Angiemedia. In my opinion, the article points out that divorce courts throughout the nation create a forum for “sociopaths” (again–liars and cruel people) to do even more damage to their ex-spouse, children, extended family, and ultimately themselves. By pitting parent vs. parent in a contest of “who’s better” and “upping the bet” with custody and support awards, courts create incentives to lie and abuse. Sociopaths (liars and abusers) take full advantage of this easy tool to continue their theft, lieing, and abuse. I can assure you that was the case in my disso — my ex-wife was >advised by her attorneyspawnsextremely< important issues.

Blessings and love to all.

I’m sorry Rhonda — my message got cut off at near the end. I wrote to address your very good question but apparently there are character limits. Allow me to be briefer:

What I am suggesting is that parental fitness has little to do with what the parents accuse each other of. Parents can and very often do argue. Modern life. Go figure.

The problem the article addresses — very well — is that courts, psychologists, supervisors, etc. are simply band-aids on what the real problem is: parental conflict. And in fact, courts, psycholgists, etc. have proven to be not only ineffective at resolving that conflict (while it could be resolved by guiding toward free resources such as uptoparents.com), but they actually encouraging it. In other words, courts etc. actually >create< the very object that they are responsible for minimizing.

As a practicing attorney for 16 years, former prosecutor for the US government, and Dad, this is nothing short of criminal behavior by our own government.

Certainly rhonda there are cases where equally sharred custody is a problem. But the real question is "why"? Is it because one or the other of the parents are at each other's throat, or because the adversarial court system encourages, and even rewards, dishonest, psychopathological behavior? After nearly two decades of practicing law in California courts, and far too many years of being drug through divorce court >by< a psychopath, I suggest that it is the court system itself — including its army of “psychologists” etc., that is the problem.

Solution: 50/50 no matter (almost) what. Is it the best solution? No. Ideally, we'd have far, far better public servants who actually did their job. We don't. We have in fact extremely weak public servants, psychologists, and truly wicked divorce lawyers. Very, very sad state of affairs that victimizes children and parents alike to the enrichment of divorce attorneys, psychologists, and many, many others. It's a disgrace, and contributing to the downfall of our communities, city, state, and great nation.

See "Face Up To Fred" and other articles here for more.

God bless us all.

@mominohio:

I’m so glad good moms like you exist! Obviously Ohio has a better court/attorney system than we do here in California. You asked for resources to avoid going to court with what seems to be a controlling parent—perhaps and alcoholic. Here are a few ideas that might help.

First, try AlaNon—it is free and an excellent group resource for people living with alcoholics. They do suggest many of the remedies you say you’ve already tried, but they also teach you how to disengage from the alcoholic’s behavior. Importantly, they teach that you, as the alcoholic’s significant other, can’t be the one to try to “fix” the alcoholic. Just makes it worse.

Second, try UptoParents.org — again, a free resource that you and your ex can use with or without attorneys. It teaches both parents to be as cooperative as possible to avoid conflict. Perhaps if both you and your husband agree to complete their easy online program, his behavior may improve, and –not saying your behavior needs to change, but perhaps you could learn better co-parenting skills too.

If you’re both confident that the other parent is following uptoparents, then the suspicions of your ex (and maybe you) about alienation will be eased, making cooperation and healthy parenting possible.

Third — if all this doesn’t work, I’d suggest simply disengaging. Pretend he doesn’t exist no matter what. Sociopaths feed off of the energy of the co-parent regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. If he says he loves you, don’t reply. If he says he hates you, don’t reply. If he has a temper tantrum, don’t react. A famous jazz musician once said “don’t just do something, stand there.” Odd, I know, but like in jazz, absence is often the most effective tool.

It’s tough — trust me I know — because he’s picking at emotional scars. But if you’re strong you’re your own best defense.

The hope of course is that he’ll get the message that he can’t manipulate or terrorize you, which is the chief goal of a sociopathic ex-spouse. Provided you don’t attempt to manipulate your own kids, they’ll eventually they’ll get it too — trust me — I’m a child of divorce. I knew very early on who was playing fair and who was playing dirty.

I wish you the best mominohio.

If the childs Mother is a NARCISSITIC-SOCIOPATH the Courts and The Police and the National Guard are the only way to stop the WAR……….. Me, my husband and My Stepdaughter have to endure this WAR everyday and the courts, or police will not stop it so what do you do to make it stop???? Please help….@Cole Stuart

@Sharon:

Thank you for your comment. I am so, so sorry for for what you’ve endured. I’ve been where you’ve been. It’s horrific.

I wish I knew an easy answer. What you must have endured… My heart sinks with your pain.

It would be great if our government could help but frankly they need our help more than we need theirs. Courts are not the answer. If you ask me, and you didn’t, _Love_ is the answer. I wish we had lots more.

I’m only a man. A very capable, man, but just a man. My dear, my only intelligent thought is to stay away from the person that is causing you pain.

Good luck Sharon—It’s a very, very tough world today.

My prayers will from now include you.

Is it possible to eliminate or lower the influence the sociopath mother has on my children? Her father is also a very negative picture and he lives with them, and has physically and mentally abused my ex and her sister, so she seems to be repeating some type of circle with our kids, as well. With me being allowed to see my two kids (8 and 5 yr.) every weekend, how should I act to do the best and prevent them from being bad and manipulative persons?

Wow–Donna: we appreciate your reasearch and tremendous effort, but perhaps some readers have other opinions. I’m only one man, and a very flawed one, but I remember that when I was being an idiot my Mom did … nothing.

The first step in swimming is– learn to float. The first step in boxing is … The first step in dancing is …. the first, and last, step in love is ….

Hmmm.

“Dont just do something, stand there.”

~Peter Ustinov

My best to all

They come in all forms. My relationship started over 3 years ago with a 35 yo charmer. She had 3 children with 3 different dads. Now there are four. One of the many warning signs is a lack of negotiating skills coupled with a domineering personality based in lies, pain and confusion.

There have been 8 undocumented instances of her hitting me, 2 more in 2011 where I was arrested for defending myself. And a third in Oct. where she attacked me at the children’s hospital and she was arrested because there was a witness.

She will stop at nothing to try and keep our son. She tried to have me arrested picking up my son at daycare, to no avail. I have seen her beat her then 7 year old son, watched the children while she lay unconscious and drunk on the floor. For hours.

She has blatantly displayed other men coming in through the house while I was watching our newborn, openly sexual in nature.

We have joint custody and she continues to ignore the basic stipulations in place and now have had to appoint a parent coordinator.

There is no truth, no finding a healthy resolution, and only fabrication and new ways to trap me with authorities.

Even after doing all my homework, and discovering this narcissistic, evil motivated, falsely based in God mother, it takes someone of a professional nature to listen, understand and offer guidance.

Sadly there is no way to find a level playing field with this person. And now that my assistance and money have run it’s course, she simply moved on to the next guy, naive enough to see the beauty and available unending barrage of sexual activity that will ensnare him for his turn.

When a woman only has her beauty, there is always one way to lock in your man. And when she is a nymph, it will take a long time to recover once the new man finds out he has been duped.

Thankfully I have joint custody or it would be a nightmare. I ran out of cash at the end of our agreement or I would have ordered a custody evaluation, and those two words literally made her and her atty. sign quicly.

God Bless to all the abused.

Stay focused in God’s word.

Peace.

Sorry Cole, But you are so off base. The borderline will push for custody if he thinks it will push your buttons, knowing full well he hasn’t the capability or desire. Borderline people are nearly impossible for us adults to deal with. Children must be protected.@ Cole Stuart

Let’s also not forget that BPD often have drug, alcohol, gambling and sexual deviant issues. My Ex BPD is a total wack job but living only with me the children are happy well adjusted, A+ students with a very fulfilling life. He has resurfaced recently like a cancer. I am back on line to learn not to react. @ Rob

Thank you for the comment Lori-I’m glad to hear your children are getting through the divorce so well. I hope you can find support and resources at Angiemedia’s excellent site. Welcome.

If I may respond to your comment.

I’m a lawyer–thank God not a family lawyer, but I know how the show is run. It’s often not pretty. My point is not that children do not need to be protected, but that government is not the best option. In fact, it’s a terrible option. Ideally, both parents behave. In my limited experience with courts–see Angiemedia’s reviews of Judge Lisa Schall–they often make not only bad decisions, but enable abusers such as my ex to continue their abuse. Sometimes the best choice is avoiding the worst. Someone said “Demoncracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” Maybe it was Michael Jackson.

I sympathize with your experience with a BPD/NPD–I had a horrific one in my life as well. Google Lynn Stuart. Google Cole Stuart, if you care to. My point, and I respect your own experiences that may influence you to disagree, is that court is a bad choice for family disputes. Perhaps we need more support for dissolving families and less judgment. Leaving any relationship is tough on everyone–It’s possible that our public tax dollars could be better spent on easing that pain that both parents and children are enduring than chosing a “winner” or a “loser.” I suspect that the temptation of “winning” or “losing” is in fact a major factor in causing divorces. And perhaps this is a lure to BPD/NPD types.

Welcome to our community Lori. Your opinions and experiences are valued.

Blessings to all.

I agree with “one of thousands”. However, just because someone is biologically related to the child, does not make them a parent. A sociopath is a dangerous individual and should not be allowed with children. Period. Why are we arguing custody? Clearly if a person has no conscience and is not able to be cured, the court or others should not grant custody just because they are related. In addition, with all the stories out there, if a man or a woman treats their spouse (either current or ex) in the ways described, what on earth do you think they will do to their kids when no one is watching?

In addition, my ex was a diagnosed sociopath in 2005, but that doesn’t count in the court’s eyes. When we divorced the only thing that kept him from getting full custody is that I took an “illegal” snapshot of his hard drive and he was scared that I had evidence of his child porn addiction. Unfortunately, browsing illegal sites is not considered illegal in Minnesota. He was smart enough not to download or distribute.

He also tried to kill the dogs while I was out on a business trip. He did this by not feeding them and convincing my son not to flush the toilets to see how gross it would get. It’s fun for a 6 year old, I’m sure. However, as he anticipated, the dogs were so hungry and thirsty they started eating and drinking out of the toilet. I came home early and had a large vet bill and an angry husband claiming “it only happened once…so I made a mistake, get over it!”. The dogs lived after treatment and I had to fumigate the upstairs living areas.
No remorse whatsoever on his part.

In a nut shell, now that he is dating a TV news anchor and she is eating up his victim stories and how his ex wife alienated him from his son (he has only called to talk to his son 4x in the past 2.5 years), he is also back “like a cancer”. She is his new meal ticket and he is acting his best, even better than when he fooled me. The courts only care about a dad’s rights, not the fact that he is a dangerous human being. They do not allow for an evidentiary hearing to include anything prior to the divorce decree in post decree matters. I can only use what evidence I have gathered of what he has done to me and his son in the few interactions we have had in nearly 3 years. I have most recently had to press mail fraud claims against him because he put in a false change of address on my accounts and stole my mail.

People like that should not be around children. Again, it’s not a matter of divorcing amicably. I would not have stayed married another minute if I thought I could protect my son from him and his family (his family is really, really bizarre). I only stayed married because that way I wouldn’t have to share custody and be afraid for my son. When I could no longer protect him by being there 24/7 and realized this after some instances of leaving him alone with my son, he only agreed to divorce if he didn’t have to pay child support (which he only keeps my son on his insurance, with no other support at all). Then he agreed to not to argue for custody as long as I kept his porn issues and other evidence of his behavior (including my attorney’s request for him to take a psycho-sexual eval) out of the public eye.

Now, his girlfriend, again a TV news personality, is convincing him of his rights. Oh, joy – the Hell starts anew!

@ Chris Hi Chris and Rob, Yes you are both right. My case was a child custody case that HE started. I was never trying to take away custody whatsoever. He was completely whacked on drugs and it was being fought in 2 states! No one would drug test him right away like I wished and since he can be very charming and convincing the drugs were my trump card. He put me into a horrible position with this custody game. I had no choice but a full out battle. (allow my young children to move in with him and his equally wacked girlfriend that he had known about 10 minutes, 2500 miles away??!!) Lucky for me he backed down anyway. He was really only after the money. Of course when he was done we had lost over a million dollars. Long ridiculous story but I feel fortunate that he mostly disappeared while the kids were small.

I did prove he was a liar and all I got for it was the judge saying “Mrs…appears to be the more credible one”. Then the guy disappears for months and is a no show for several appearances. Still he gets away with it. Finally he surfaces with new allegations claiming he gave me the money for the new house I bought ( I remoded homes for a living and had to do something ). Again he loses, again he disappears. Finally we do a motion to enforce the decree as we had agreed since he was going in debt with credit cards of about 100K, and surely planned to stick me with it. Another 2 no show and he resurfaces 10 minutes before it was to be finaled with new allegations. Again it was allowed to litigate…unbelievable.

He did this as a game to WIN, just as you stated and was never held accountable for the lies and the pain it caused. ( I accused his lawyer of helping to perpetrate this nonsense since my ex was so obviously high at the time). (Boy I could go on and on…kidnapping, extortion of over 50k, blah, blah) Then after all is said and done he hardly saw the kids at all for 4 years. Even remarried ( divorced now, again for 3rd time ) and moved to another country.

Now the kids are older and there is no money left to go to court, and our decree states that if we disagree the custodial parent will make the decision until we go to mediation first. HA HA, he’d never do that! Mediate? Only reasonable sane people do that! For the record he has the typical every other weekend and 1 midweek overnight, that in the 3 months he’s been here, has rarely exercised . HE’S TOO IMPORTANT, busy busy……

I do believe the court system failed me. Put me through hell for a year and a half and bankrupt me, so I do see and agree with your point. If it was an automatic 50/50 he would never had gotten to play his game. But the drugs would have been discovered! That would have been good. Maybe he could have gotten help and the personality disorders would have surfaced during rehab?? An overhaul of the system is in order!

For the record I did not know he had personality disorders back in 2005. I thought he was just on drugs…planned an Intervention but it failed……

After reading other peoples stories, I am feeling very fortunate with my situation. After much more investigation recently, I now suspect he has Anti-social personality and Narcissism. Whatever it is, he’s back, but I suspect he will move soon since he is SO important…and I won’t let him into my life again. He hates that..

So my advice.. Try to never talk on the phone..they know and love to push your buttons and will use it against you. Do not write any email that gives them an inch, keep it as business like as possible. Their 3000 abusive emails will be negated by your 1. Don’t give them more opportunity
to drive you mad…

Obviously you are in a no win situation. You have to learn to play a little dirty. If he can get away with murder..well so can you. You have tried being reasonable and cooperative, making you the perfect target.

I know the terror you feel with such young children. Mine were 3 and 6 when he went for custody. Now they are 10 and 13 and on to him. Not a captive audience to his B.S. and he is not really interested in all the work and responsibility being a parent is. My children now have convenient sporting activities, birthday parties and overnights. And he can kiss my a__. It will get better!
@ mominohio

@ Rob
Rob,

As you know, many judges behave as sociopaths, too. They will yank custody, throw people out of their homes, seize property, aid and abet theft, ban free speech, etc. even though what they are doing is illegal, unethical, and immoral. Many judges appear to intend to so badly damage the people they are abusing that those people will never be able to challenge them via appeal or judicial complaint or public campaign. This is why I believe that deviating from 50/50 custody should also require involvement of a jury of peers. No judge should have the authority to take such actions as judges routinely abuse their authority so egregiously that many of them are committing very serious fraud, defamation, and civil rights violations with intent to harm.

There need to be major reforms in judicial accountability to put an end to judicial criminality. Many of judges should be removed from the bench. Some deserve prosecution for their crimes and to be forced to pay restitution to their victims. In general I am not an advocate of the death penalty given the government’s frequent framing of innocent people for crimes and its refusal to re-evaluate a case when strong new evidence comes to light. But most of the crimes these judges commit are on the public record, the evidence is often not in significant question, and the number of people harmed goes beyond that of a simple robbery or murder and in some cases even beyond a deadly school shooting spree or terrorist bombing. Therefore there should be special rules of capital punishment for judges that subject them to execution when they have repeatedly and severely violated the rights of the people appearing in their courts.

A prime example of two judges who should be executed for their crimes are Mark Ciavarella and Michael Conohan of Luzerne County, Pennsylvania. They ran a corrupt scam for several years in which they used their juvenile court judge positions to deny due process to children so as to incarcerate them in private prisons. In the process, they earned millions in kickbacks from the prison operator. Prison time and seizing all of their assets isn’t enough for these two judges. They deserve the death penalty.

Today’s widespread failure to hold judges accountable for their illegal actions severely undermines the public’s confidence in the government and laws. It threatens the ability of any family to withstand the government’s abusive assaults on its members. It also plays directly into the cycle of child abuse as the sociopath and the government both benefit from child abuse in different ways and collude to continue it. Their collusive criminality results in a new generation of abused kids who will often go on to abuse others similarly to what they observed during their childhoods because they think it is normal and appropriate behavior. This will keep the government busy and ensure full government employment as the ranks of social workers, judges, cops, etc. swell because the public is being duped into thinking that these people behaving as they typically do can actually improve anything when in fact it often making problems far worse.

Chris

@Jonathan

Jonathan, Please help me out Bro. I live in Tennessee. I am 100% certain I am divorcing a Sociopatic Woman!! I have lived in the nightmare for 5 years. I have a 14 month old son. I would fight to the end for primary parent, or sole custody, but I need to know the path to take. I feel like I have a very good attorney, I have at least 6 weeks of recordings prior to the papers being served that show her evil ways. Can you tell me how to go about getting her ordered to an evaluation? Or, anything that will help me… Thanks so much, Jim

Just recently, my son and my 6 yr. old grandson were given permission from a judge, three states away, to relocate with me. The mother of my grandson has been diagnosed as being a sociopath and has been in jail several times, with each offense getting worse and time in between being less. My son has been very abused over the last eight years. And now that my grandson’s mother is a meth-addict on top of everything else the abuse with him continually got worse until my son was awarded 100 percent custudy. I have done everything in my power to help my son and his boy to get away from their situation. They’ve been here for 3 months and she’s been in jail twice for felonies. Her new boyfriend is in prison on felony charges he got with her. This girl is 23 yrs. old. She exibits all of the symptoms of someone with A.P.D. I believe my son could have her rights dissolved, maybe meet a nice girl, put my grandson in counseling and get on with his life. If he’s able to do this, wouldn’t that be better for my grandson. He doesn’t have any kind of relationship with his mother and every couple of months when he has the oportunity to speak with her on the phone he seems very disinterested in her. She is very damaged via the court counselor and has been physically, emotionally abusive and manipulative to my grandson. I believe he might have a chance at a normal peaceful life without her.

Rob,
Just getting into this site and been reading alot of the posts lately. I never knew “sociopaths” existed until recently. I have been married to one (in my opinion) for about 5 years now. The whole time the abuse was happening, I searched for ways to make it go away. I even gave in to the distorted and whacky ideas she had about how I was the one with the problem. She had me thinking I was losing my sanity. This lady is so cold hearted, she has no conscience or feelings of remorse. She would push and push until I would leave, and then reel me back in again. Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ride with my wife. I wanted this marriage to work so bad, that I fooled myself to believe that she would get better…things would be better in time, but it has never gotten better. I cant disclose all the reasons and examples of what makes me think she is ASP/Sociopatic due to the fact I’m just starting divorce litigation. I would beg the judge for custody of our 2 yr old son if it would help. I fear for his future because I feel like the next victim is just around the corner and my son will have to live through it as well. Is there any way I can pursuade the courts to belive what has happened and push for custody of my son? How?

Wow…may even be an ICHG female HR employment lawyer….named….who stalks me…BPD sociopath…

‘We figured out where you live’
“I can kick your ass, we’re blackmailing you’

..manipulate all day every day as as ‘victim’…for a decade…baiting and lose lose…control by proxy…alienation…CONTROL…Holiday Inn…ICHG….

Excellent advice Rob. Thank you for everything you do here.