Co-parenting With A Sociopath (Borderline, Narcissist, etc.)

Donna Anderson wrote ”Red Flags of Love Fraud – 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath” ^[1] to explain how to detect if your romantic relatioship might be with a sociopath. If you didn’t realize this soon enough and had a child, she’s got some other advice for you on how to cope with the problems of trying to co-parent with such a person.

On her website, I happened across a very good posting on LoveFraud.com ^[2] titled LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath ^[3] containing advice on how to co-parent with a sociopath. Sociopaths are people who manage to portray themselves to the general public as friendly, caring, nice people but in reality they are manipulative, deceitful, and endeavor to hurt others to get what they want. Some of the common sociopaths you are likely to find in family law courts are people who are “acting out” Borderlines, Narcissists, and Antisocials. Their morality can be summed up in one sentence: If it gets me what I want or will hurt somebody I don’t like, it’s A-OK.

The author of the site, Donna Andersen, has written more about her view on how to define sociopaths:

(from Beware the sociopath: No heart, no conscience, no remorse ^[4])

Experts estimate that 1% to 4% of the population are sociopaths, depending upon whom you ask. That means there may be 3 to 12 million sociopaths in the United States, and 68 million to 272 million sociopaths worldwide. What’s worse, as adults, sociopathic men and women cannot be rehabilitated. Once a sociopath, always a sociopath.

Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They don’t worry about paying bills. They think nothing of lying, cheating and stealing. In extreme cases, sociopaths can be serial rapists and serial killers.

Think you can spot a sociopath? Think again. Sociopaths often blend easily into society. They’re entertaining and fun at parties. They appear to be intelligent, charming, well-adjusted and likable. The key word is “appear.” Because for sociopaths it’s all an illusion, designed to convince you to give them what they want.

Sociopaths are masters of manipulation.

Donna Andersen focuses much of her site on stories of sociopathic men. Many of us have had very bad experiences with sociopathic women, too. A dad dealing with sociopathic mom is at a hugely magnified disadvantage versus the other way around. It’s harder for people to understand how dangerous these women are because they have trouble associating the lying, false accusations, threats, affairs, stealing, and other common sociopathic behaviors with some attractive friendly-looking woman. But such woman are sociopaths just the same.

I wish I had seen some of this advice myself earlier. Judges should be reading this, too. Many of them set up families for never-ending conflict and the children to be emotionally abused and traumatized because they fail to implement important recommendations such as these ones:

(from LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath ^[3])

4. REQUEST EXPLICIT COURT ORDERS! I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.

5. IF POSSIBLE, ASK THE COURT TO ARRANGE CHILD EXCHANGES AT LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENTS! Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.

6. HAVE PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU THAT YOU TRUST AND ARE GOOD PEOPLE DO THE EXCHANGE OF YOUR CHILD(REN) IF POSSIBLE! Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.

…

8. PUSH FOR COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU AND THE EX TO BE THROUGH EMAIL ONLY WHEN YOU GO TO COURT! Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as Our Family Wizard ^[5] are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated). Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.

9. PUSH THE COURT FOR PERMISSION TO VIDEO OR TAPE RECORD EXCHANGES AND MAKE SURE THIS IS WRITTEN IN THE COURT ORDER! Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.

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Further Reading

Counteracting Tactics for Interfering With Custody and Visitation ^[8]

BPD Distortion Campaigns ^[9]

Personality Disordered Abusers in Family Law Courts ^[10]

Personality Disordered Abusers in Psychological Evaluations ^[11]

Child Custody Tactic: Faking Separation Anxiety via Child Abuse ^[12]

Relationships and Divorces with Someone Who Suffers Borderline Personality Disorder ^[13]