Moms Discredit Themselves by Denying Parental AlienationWritten by: Chris Print This Article
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There are probably thousands or more mother’s rights groups around the world. The web is replete with their sites such as Justice4Mothers and Rights for Mothers. Generally they are irate about being deprived of contact with their kids and being financially and emotionally destroyed by family law courts. I certainly understand that as it has happened to me, too, as it has to many other parents. Unfortunately, some of these moms have gone off the deep end into sexism and gender warfare that is both counterproductive to their cause and to the interests of their children. A very obvious sign of this is the many mother’s rights web sites that issue blanket denials of the existence of parental alienation, a form of emotional child abuse that is common in divorces and troubled families.
Kids Need Both Parents
Mothers deserve to spend time with their kids, just like fathers do. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents and their parents’ extended families. That judges in family courts across the United States and in many other nations use child custody as a means to encourage conflict and thereby increase workload, revenues, and relish in their own power as family dictators is a disgusting display of tyrannical behavior that must be stopped.
If the family law courts of which I am aware are even remotely similar to those in other parts of the United States, the many abusive family law judges in this country are a far worse threat to the safety and security of the typical American child than Al Qaeda 9/11 terror attacks and BP oil spills combined. In opposing the tyranny of the family law courts, I support these mother’s rights groups in regards to their intent to stop the abuses of the government and its war on families. I have similar opinions of the father’s rights groups in this regard.
Abusive Ex-Spouse Encourages Dislike of Ex’s Gender
As a father with an ex-wife who has pursued an agenda of totally eliminating me from our children’s lives using abusive behaviors and illegal tactics including perjury, harassment, defamation, very serious false criminal accusations, lying to police, and much more, it sometimes takes effort to avoid falling into the trap of regarding all women by default as evil, spiteful creatures intent on harming men.
Our children don’t fear me and don’t dislike me despite their mother’s years of continuing viciousness that seem to have started with their very birth, perhaps something to do with hormones or psychological problems stemming from her childhood, or perhaps related to the affair she had while she was pregnant.
Despite their lack of fear and dislike, they still repeat the defamation and attacks they hear from their mother. Their mother cannot bring herself to stop her hateful behaviors that are hurting our children. For this, she is perversely rewarded year after year by the abusive family law courts. She has been taught that lying and false accusations gain child custody with zero chance of penalty. She continues to help keep the judge busy with conflicts, arguments, and false accusations. In return, the judge pays her off with rewards. There is no justice in this system, nor any intent on following the law.
Certainly not all women are so vicious and aggressively manipulative, yet it is sometimes hard to remember this when one’s life has been smashed to bits by a woman who didn’t honor her marriage and still will not stop the psychological violence even many years after the divorce she initiated. Although I cannot help but feel afraid of women in general after what I have experienced and observed regarding lying women playing victims as a tactic to gain power and rewards, I know that not all women are like my very sick ex. Sadly, some men are like her, too.
In more recent years, I have been blessed with a wonderful wife who is the polar opposite of my ex-wife — rational, caring, fair, responsible, and free from the ravages of personality disorders and other mental health problems.
Yet despite this, or perhaps because of it, my ex even spreads her defamation to attack my wife. She has clearly tried to involve our children in this, yet the kids like their step-mom a lot. They can see she is genuinely a wonderful person who cares for them a great deal and does not demand them to ignore or disrespect their own mother, contrary to their own mother’s false claims. They can see this clearly with their own eyes. They enjoy spending time with her and me despite their mother’s alienation efforts.
As added reminder that not all women are the aggressors, over the years I have come to know of women who have been put into destructive situations similar to my own, both deprived of contact with their children and terrorized by the family law courts. Often these are for insane or illegal reasons, even going so far as what looks like backroom deals with judges and their attorney friends who represent the fathers. They have been harmed just like I have. Sometimes it is the fathers acting just like my ex-wife who caused most of the damage, but far more often it is the family law courts trying to bolster their revenues and job security by picking winners and thereby creating many more losers. Many of these judges believe in a zero-sum game in which the courts rape and pillage families for fun, profit, and job security.
Gender-Based Parental Rights Groups Hurt Family Law Reform Cause
While I support both the mother’s and father’s rights groups in their battle against the tyranny of family law courts, I fear they are both doing a great deal of damage to their own causes because of the gender polarization they create. As I discussed in my previous article Gender Polarization Impedes Family Law Reform, they create an “us versus them” mentality which contributes to gender-oriented bickering and attacks and thereby hinders progress at halting the human rights abuses in tyrannical countries such as the United States.
For those not experienced with juvenile and family law courts, please realize that the United States truly is a tyranny for many who have found themselves thrown into the hell of domestic relations courts that deprive children of loving parents and strip parents of their children, homes, incomes, assets, and freedoms for months or years, often rewarding false allegations and illegally avoiding the safeguards of due process and equal protection under the law. The 14th Amendment of the US Constitution is routinely violated by these courts. Among the judges who control them, there are many family dictators who relish their power over children and parents who do whatever they wish, often with reasons of no more consequence than a whim or a prejudice. Based upon their rulings, it would not surprise me if some of these judges determined case outcomes based upon the day of the week, the phase of the moon, what they had for breakfast, or whether they slept with one or both of the lawyers in front of them. Their rulings are so frequently arbitrary or biased that it is impossible to have any respect for such judges.
There is seldom any way to appeal their decisions, even when they are based upon factual errors and extreme bias. For one, the law often fails to restrict their ability to wrongfully interfere with families and strip people of their rights. Furthermore, after the courts have terrorized a person for months or years, they seldom have the financial resources and physical and mental health to mount a battle to defend themselves and their family. The government has sucked the life out of them, just as these judges intended. In the process, the judges have created more work for the courts and their many friends who are attorneys, psychological evaluators, or employed in some other related job that exists due to the courts. “Abusing kids and parents for fun and profit” seems to be their mantra.
Those in government who support tight control over the lives of children and parents want the gender warfare to continue. It weakens the opposition to their tyranny and abuse. As they want to continue to abuse children and parents for profit and job security for themselves and their friends, anything that weakens the opposition is likely to be good for them. They are ever so pleased to see gender-oriented groups making fools out of themselves and creating more divisiveness.
Anybody who is seriously committed to human rights reform and court reform should be pushing hard for both the mother’s rights and father’s rights groups to drop the gender warfare.
By this, I do not mean that there is no room for pointing out bad dads and moms. I mean there should be no room for sexist and inaccurate blanket statements that all moms are parental alienators, all dads are abusers, and other such drivel.
Parental Alienation is Child Abuse, Defamation, and Harassment In One
In case you need a refresher on what parental alienation is, its essence is unnaturally disrupting and damaging the relationships between a child and a parent and that parent’s extended family. Researchers who have studied it have often broken down the behaviors that contribute to it to include denigration as well as access blocking.
Denigration, often called badmouthing and sometimes perhaps more accurately called defamation, involves inaccurate depiction of a parent and often relatives of that parent as being horribly flawed, evil, vile, stupid, foolish, lazy, or many other types of insults. Often it is based upon a sliver of a truth that is blown up into something very distorted for effect. For instance, maybe a parent likes to drink wine with Friday evening dinners. An alienating parent might try to spin that into the parent is a drunk, drives drunk, wastes all of his or her money on alcohol, and habitually uses illegal drugs, too. The children may come to believe this is all true, even though the target parent’s total alcohol consumption is far less than the typical person in his or her socioeconomic peer group and the parent has never had a traffic ticket or any other problem with the law over the use of alcohol or drugs.
Alienating parents often involve their friends, family, and social groups in the abuse. These people often are disturbingly gullible and prone to repeat the defamation of the alienating parent both verbatim and in alternate forms in front of the children. For instance, a church pastor involved in this sort of abuse might comment to a young child about “drinking and driving is bad, just look at your father’s car accident” as he’s been told the father was drunk driving. In reality, the father was not drunk or on drugs. He was stopped at a stop light and was rear ended by a garbage trunk that crushed his car and has left him unconscious and on life support in the hospital for weeks, unable to defend himself from the mother’s lies. The more people the child hears repeat these lies, the more likely the child will be to believe them. Thus an alienating parent strives to involve many other people in the alienation campaign.
Access blocking generally consists of restricting contact between a child and a parent and that parent’s extended family. Phone calls are not answered, child custody exchanges are blocked, visitations are not allowed, mail and gifts are intercepted and hidden or destroyed, children are kept out of school to keep the other parent from picking them up on visitation days, and so forth. A child subjected to this comes to believe that the alienating parent’s parents statements about the target parent are likely true because there is so little contact to disprove the lies.
Parental alienation is widely regarded as a form of emotional child abuse. Like other forms of child abuse, many of the perpetrators grew up as abused children who were taught that these kinds of behaviors are not only normal but are expected in a parent. Alienators can be mothers or fathers. Most research suggests that parents with significantly more custody and contact with the children are more likely to engage in parental alienation than those with little contact.
In extreme cases, children can be made to not only believe that things which never occurred did occur, but they can even be duped into joining in attacks on the target parent. They often internalize the defamation being spewed on them by the hateful alienating parent in the absence of contact with the target parent that might help them to have a more balanced view of reality. Such children have been known to steal and destroy the property of a target parent during their infrequent contacts or even to murder the parent, as in the case of Texas doctor Dr. Rick Lohstroh who was murdered by his 10 year old son firing a gun into his back in August 2004 due to parental alienation abuse inflicted by mother Deborah Geisler.
Parental Alienation is Common
Having seen my own children, those of other parents in supervised visitation and exchange centers, and the children of the former marriage of an in-law whom I know to be a good parent all display the earmarks of parental alienation abuse, I am confident from personal experience that parental alienation is real and is happening to a large number of children. While it is commonly associated with divorce, parental alienation can occur within intact families, also. Parental alienation often starts during a marriage, before the divorce.
The target parent is often damaged severely, something the alienating parent is glad to see. Yet the damage to the children often lasts a lifetime via mental health problems such as depression, diminished financial well-being and even poverty, elevated divorce rates, and increased drug and substance abuse. Further, children who are victims of parental alienation tend to enter into relationships that result in more alienated children. A parent who alienates a child truly does not care for that child in any responsible way. The child and any grandchild the child may someday have are all markedly harmed by the actions of the alienating parent.
The damage may often be more serious than even moderately severe cases of physical or even sexual child abuse. That is in part due to the extended duration and repetition of parental alienation. The lack of readily visible scars that show up in medical exams means that an alienator can easily get away with the abuse even if it is committed over an entire childhood.
Abusive Judges Worsen Damage from Parental Alienation
I remind myself that as evil as my ex-wife’s behaviors are, it is the family law courts and government that have created most of the damage to our children and our family. The same is true for many victims of the family law Gestapo, regardless of gender.
In particular, courts are apt to quickly reward false accusations and other alienation tactics with increased custody for the false accuser, often completely cutting the falsely accused parent out of children’s lives for months or longer. This sets up children to be surrounded by parental alienation attacks with zero opportunity for them to see the target parent and understand that the attacks are baseless.
In a very real sense, judges who do this are child abusers. They aid and abet emotional child abuse. Often these child abusing judges will at some point then use their actions to justify continued abuse. For instance, a judge who strips time away from a parent due to child abuse allegations may a year later, when the allegations have been conclusively disproven, rule that the children have done so well with the falsely accusing parent that the target parent will continue with little to no contact even though the court acknowledges the allegations to have been made falsely and the children to have been coached to lie by the dishonest parent. This makes absolutely no sense morally or legally, yet child abusing judges do exactly this.
The essential problem is that the courts and government have so far overstepped their legal and moral bounds that they are effectively family dictators who use divorce and child custody battles to suck the financial lifeblood out of millions of families while so badly damaging them that they create a perceived need for millions of government jobs, particularly in courts, social services, and law enforcement. If this system was overhauled and restrained like it ought to be, the moms and dads who are suffering from deprivation of contact with their kids would likely no longer be in such a bad place.
Our children deserve to grow up knowing both of their parents and their parents’ extended families and to not be subjected to the alienation and mind games that abusive parents use on children. They know they can call their mom when they are with me or answer a phone call from her. Their mother refuses to do likewise, and they comment on this. They can put up pictures of her, and indeed I have provided some myself. They can make cards and artwork for her and talk about her as they please. They can do all of this without hearing attacks on their mother in return, seeing their artwork disappear or be destroyed before they can give it to her, or being exposed to other mind games alienating parents like to use to abuse their children. That’s because I am consciously making an effort to not counter-alienate them. It is not always easy, but I believe we are doing a good job of avoiding counter-alienation.
Yet it is difficult to figure out how to respond to their many comments about their mother’s latest false criminal accusations, comments about how she wants to put me in prison, or claim she needs them to protect her from me. Such claims are especially ridiculous as she is clearly either delusional or a liar given that she makes efforts to create opportunities to have contact with me by breaking rules and schedules and then tries to spin them into some horrid fantasies about how I’m an abusive nutcase who is stalking her or excuses about why the children shouldn’t see me. The children are clearly uneasy about her doing this.
I remind them that they have to make up their minds about people on their own, that it is OK for them to love both of their parents, and that kids should be able to see both of their parents. They seem to understand their mother is so busy with her hate that she has an inability to tell the truth. I hope that realizations like this are indicators that they will avert the worst of the damage that parental alienation could cause to them.
Gender-Based Parental Rights Groups Hurt Kids
Both mother’s rights and father’s rights groups that push gender warfare are hurting a lot of people. Father’s rights groups sometimes try to promote the illusion of fathers being perfect parents by denying the existence of physical and sexual abuse against children. This is nutty as these things really do occur. Furthermore, it is not infrequent that mothers are committing such abuses against children. Denying that such abuse occurs simply makes those who do this look like lunatics.
Yet in the mother’s rights groups, I see an even more disturbing tendency to distort reality to hide very serious problems that are hurting many children, likely far more than the number that are really being physically or sexually abused. In particular, I am very alarmed that so many of these groups deny the reality of parental alienation and how it harms children. It is not infrequent that fathers are engaging in parental alienation against mothers. Child abuse is equal opportunity regardless of gender.
Many of us who are fighting the war against the tyranny of family law courts can see this problem, but few verbalize it. Perhaps it is because they don’t want to draw attack from these groups as some of them can be quite nasty, mounting widespread defamation campaigns against people they don’t like. Justice4Mothers, for instance, managed to get itself banned by WordPress due to repeated harassment and defamation.
While I’m sure I’ll get some negative comments and even attacks about being sexist scum for writing this article, I believe it’s important to point out how the rabid mother’s rights groups are doing a lot of harm to a lot of people, including themselves, by denying the reality of parental alienation. Perhaps someday they will realize that if they are to achieve any real success for themselves and for children and all good parents, they must change their attitudes significantly. I hope this article might accelerate this change in attitude. It is not meant as an attack on the groups, rather as a strong statement that promulgating irresponsible positions borne out of dogmatic agendas is hurting them and hurting all of our children.
Denial of Existence of Parental Alienation is Lunacy
When mother’s rights groups deny parental alienation is real, they become enablers of child abuse. They make themselves look like lunatics who are so out of touch with reality that it puts doubt on every other argument they raise. Virtually every child of divorce or a troubled marriage knows from personal experience that one or both of their parents have been very nasty and even dishonest about their other parent at times. They didn’t like it, and they can see how if it is pushed to an extreme that it can cause harm to children just like it caused to them.
Cindy Dumas Denies Parental Alienation is Real
The case of Cindy Dumas is a prime example of how the denial of reality of parental alienation casts serious doubt on other statements. This San Diego mother has been alleging for years that her former husband, Eric Moelter, sexually abused their youngest son. She even abducted their three sons and disappeared with them for three years, ostensibly to protect them from their father.
Dumas has many criticisms of the San Diego family law courts that are valid. It is easy for many people to feel sympathy for her and her kids given what the San Diego courts have done to them.
While some point to experts involved in the Dumas v. Moelter case being biased or incapable of evaluating the accusations and that this means their conclusions there was no sexual abuse are simply false, I don’t agree. That is in part because Dumas also spews nonsense that parental alienation is not real and that any child who shows fear or dislike for a parent must have been abused by that parent. This is completely at odds not just with my own personal experiences and observations, but also with the experiences of millions of parents and children who have gone through divorces.
Furthermore, it contradicts large amounts of well-designed research by reasonably neutral and reputable people such as Dr. Jayne Major and Dr. Amy Baker. Baker in particular has investigated the effects of the abuse long after the abused children have become adults, and it is clear the children themselves recognize their own experiences as being indicative of parental alienation. Her book Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind reports on 40 cases of adult children who were victims of parental alienation as children. After reading this book, I cannot believe that any honest and rational person would be issuing blanket denials of the reality of parental alienation.
Dumas and mothers like her would be far better served to deny that they are parental alienators but to acknowledge that parental alienation is a real phenomenon that is hurting children. These are entirely compatible statements. The failure to portray parental alienation this way just reinforces the image of Dumas as showing the black-and-white thinking typical of many personality disordered aggressors in family law cases. She destroys her own credibility by her extreme blanket statements regarding issues that many other people can see are blatantly false.
Moms, Stop Denying Reality!
Mothers who are victims of the family law Gestapo and especially of an abusive ex-husband may find it hard to do anything but male-bash and issue blanket denials related to whatever they were accused of doing that cost them child custody. It’s not so hard to understand that being victimized tends to create a strong desire to stop the victimization. However, this pursuit of an extreme dogmatic agenda so far from reality doesn’t help stop the tyranny, it merely prolongs it. It is hurting all of us who are trying to save our children and ourselves from the tyrannical courts. Mother’s rights groups, please find a more effective way to argue your cases!
|Child Abuse, Child Custody, Children, Civil Rights, Courts, Crime, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family, Government Abuse, Legal, Marriage, Parental Alienation, Politics|