Telling Your Nasty Ex About BPD or NPD May Hurt YouWritten by: Rob Print This Article
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Personality disorders are a growing problem in the United States. Recent NIH studies indicate that 20% or more of Americans suffer from one or more personality disorders. Author Bill Eddy points out that in his experience about half of “High Conflict Personalities” (or HCPs) involved in destructive divorce and child custody battles probably do have one or more full-blown personality disorders. The other half may not meet all the criteria for a full-blown personality disorder yet still show many traits consistent with troublesome personality disorders such as BPD and NPD.
I believe that about half of HCPs have a personality disorder and about half have some of these traits, but not a full personality disorder. This means that they are still difficult, but may respond more easily to approaches designed for people with personality disorders.
It helps to understand some of these traits, but it is important to not tell someone you think they have a personality disorder. They may become very defensive and angry with you, as defensiveness is a common characteristic of those with personality disorders and those just with traits.
I fully agree with Eddy’s advice about not telling a person they may have a personality disorder. To be clear, this is not because it is better for them but primarily because hearing this news seems to turn them into even more destructive abusers than they were in the first place. Even if you are only trying to help, they will probably interpret your words as dire threats and redouble their efforts to destroy you. There is also a substantial risk that you will be ridiculed for your reasonable beliefs by divorce industry “professionals” who have an agenda that does not make room for unpleasant truths unless they are stated by an expensive paid expert.
Diagnosis of BPD Is Often Hidden
I strongly believe my ex suffers from BPD and have a long list of evidence and reasons for this belief going back into her childhood. My ex is also clearly a parental alienator, although fortunately our children are resilient enough to resist her years of attempted brainwashing.
Unfortunately, it is unlikely that she will be diagnosed accurately. She is very good at manipulating mental health and medical professionals, many of whom wrongly buy into the “women are victims, men are monsters” drivel they were trained to believe. They diagnose her based upon her own lies, not a full picture of her life. She can readily control what these people hear and see, even getting them to file child abuse reports naming me as a suspect over injuries that occurred in her home. Apparently this is one way to cover up things she does not want others to know while at the same time creating a great deal of trouble for me.
She has learned how to shop for a gullible therapist who buys into her lies. If she suspects that a therapist may be catching on to her, she’ll switch and have some “legitimate” excuse for it. Insurance coverage changes or a change in address can readily be used to explain why she will switch therapists.
I’ve been told by a psychologist who does custody evaluations that few people in this profession will dare diagnose a Borderline in a custody evaluation report. This person has only done it once in a career spanning multiple decades, but knows that many of the parents in such evaluations probably do suffer from BPD. Custody evaluators believe that applying the BPD label will cause even more problems, thus they don’t do it even if it may mean the courts are misinformed as a result.
Discussing BPD With A Borderline Brings Out Aggression
I originally thought that by explaining to her that she may suffer from BPD due to her abusive childhood that I could motivate her to get help and that this would facilitate an improvement from her opening moves in the abusive divorce she initiated. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It only made things worse.
She had started with false domestic violence allegations, running away with our children, money, and records, getting a TRO (temporary restraining order) by falsely describing me as a murderous psychopath, and vastly escalating her distortion campaign. She had been attempting to alienate the children for years during the marriage. I thought this was all horrible, and it was.
But it got far worse after I told her about BPD, its connection with child abuse she suffered, and referred her to web sites and articles for her to learn about it. I first learned about BPD from a lawyer to whom I described my ex’s behaviors and quickly did a lot of research and found that it well explained her behaviors both against me and against her other victims. It also tied in very well with her abusive childhood. I thought she would understand this, too, and tried to position the BPD as something of which she is a victim and which she could work on for the benefit of our kids and herself.
She, like most people like her, has trouble hearing and understanding anything coming from a person at whom she is angry. Instead of being willing to listen and cooperate, she became even more aggressive, hostile, and dishonest. She moved not only against me but also against my parents with false police complaints and failed attempts to get TROs on them. She built a whole community of people, many of them gullible members of the many churches she manipulates, who participate in the parental alienation and distortion campaigns she runs to this day.
It wasn’t long before she made false accusations of child sexual abuse and succeeded at manipulating the government into banning me from all contact with our children for months. Even though it was later proven that she lied and taught the children to lie, too, there has never been any apology for what she and the government did. She has been rewarded amply for her crimes in so many ways. I think her friends and family still believe her lies even today as they are still helping her cause more damage, even in cases in which they are directly involving and harming the children to do it.
Your Defense Will Be Used Against You
I never expected this kind of reaction. As she escalated, I tried to defend the kids and myself from her, not understanding how skilled she was at twisting reality and controlling people. It is very difficult to maintain composure under such assault. I made some tactical mistakes, sometimes appearing too aggressive to the uninformed in my attempts to defend myself. This gave her openings to spin and twist reality to people who didn’t know what she had been doing for years, not just to me but to others, too.
She has amazing skills at spinning and distorting to create false impressions. Sometimes she resorts to simply fabricating “evidence” of her false claims. Other times, she will doctor documents that she then passes around to others to convince them I’m an evil dangerous person. She has persuaded many of her friends and family to perjure themselves for her, apparently because they feel sorry for her and believes her lies.
My attempts to defend us from her just gave her more ammunition. I thought the truth, when presented, would help stop the spread of her lies. But if you’ve seen these kinds of people in action for long and know all the details of what is going on, you understand that they are truly amazing propaganda and psychological warfare machines. Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi propaganda master, might have learned a trick or two from her.
I was no match for this, in large part because the courts do absolutely nothing to put a stop to it and my former attorney wasn’t willing to even try to go after her for repeated contempt of court. That attorney’s position was “don’t upset the judge” even if it meant my life would be ruined in the process of being a defenseless coward. Between the financial pressures of being pillaged by the divorce industry and the accumulating damage from not being properly represented, I dismissed that attorney and tried to go it alone. It took just a few days before my ex and her friends and lawyer staged more harassment incidents which they used to blame me and make me falsely appear to be a troublemaker. I wasn’t prepared for that, either.
If you are attacked like this and try to defend yourself from it, the courts will likely view you as the aggressor when in fact you’re not. They seem to expect the victims to just endure for years and do nothing to defend themselves as their lives are blown to bits with the constant barrage of devastating lies and attacks. Divorce industry “professionals” also fall readily into “truth is a popularity contest” thinking in which many gullible fools manipulated by a personality disordered abuser must be right simply because of sheer number. That is one of the major tactics of personality disordered abusers. Their ability to create communities of true believers by controlling access to information, fabricating, lying, distorting, spinning, and acting convinces others to become supporters. As the number of supporters increases, it creates the appearance that somebody who has so many supporters must be in the right.
In my experience, judges almost across the board lack the expertise to figure this out. They go with the “majority wins” thinking that typifies the rationale for exterminating, imprisoning, and persecuting American Indians, Australian Aborigines, German Jews, and victims of personality disordered abusers. If the American family law courts had been ruling on any of these historical matters, the genocide would have been complete in all cases given how they are doing a pretty spectacular job of persecuting the victims and aiding the abusers today.
I suspect that Bill Eddy’s latest thinking about how to avoid conflict in divorce, described in his book Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce, would have been very helpful to me at the time. Unfortunately, it was published years after my nightmare started, too late to help me. While I can’t relive the past to see if his ideas would have worked for me, perhaps some of them can be of help to you before your situation becomes as bad as mine.
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