Telling Your Nasty Ex About BPD or NPD May Hurt You

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September 25th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Personality disorders are a growing problem in the United States. Recent NIH studies indicate that 20% or more of Americans suffer from one or more personality disorders. Author Bill Eddy points out that in his experience about half of “High Conflict Personalities” (or HCPs) involved in destructive divorce and child custody battles probably do have one or more full-blown personality disorders. The other half may not meet all the criteria for a full-blown personality disorder yet still show many traits consistent with troublesome personality disorders such as BPD and NPD.

(from Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce)

I believe that about half of HCPs have a personality disorder and about half have some of these traits, but not a full personality disorder. This means that they are still difficult, but may respond more easily to approaches designed for people with personality disorders.

It helps to understand some of these traits, but it is important to not tell someone you think they have a personality disorder. They may become very defensive and angry with you, as defensiveness is a common characteristic of those with personality disorders and those just with traits.

I fully agree with Eddy’s advice about not telling a person they may have a personality disorder. To be clear, this is not because it is better for them but primarily because hearing this news seems to turn them into even more destructive abusers than they were in the first place. Even if you are only trying to help, they will probably interpret your words as dire threats and redouble their efforts to destroy you. There is also a substantial risk that you will be ridiculed for your reasonable beliefs by divorce industry “professionals” who have an agenda that does not make room for unpleasant truths unless they are stated by an expensive paid expert.

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Diagnosis of BPD Is Often Hidden

I strongly believe my ex suffers from BPD and have a long list of evidence and reasons for this belief going back into her childhood. My ex is also clearly a parental alienator, although fortunately our children are resilient enough to resist her years of attempted brainwashing.

Unfortunately, it is unlikely that she will be diagnosed accurately. She is very good at manipulating mental health and medical professionals, many of whom wrongly buy into the “women are victims, men are monsters” drivel they were trained to believe. They diagnose her based upon her own lies, not a full picture of her life. She can readily control what these people hear and see, even getting them to file child abuse reports naming me as a suspect over injuries that occurred in her home. Apparently this is one way to cover up things she does not want others to know while at the same time creating a great deal of trouble for me.

She has learned how to shop for a gullible therapist who buys into her lies. If she suspects that a therapist may be catching on to her, she’ll switch and have some “legitimate” excuse for it. Insurance coverage changes or a change in address can readily be used to explain why she will switch therapists.

I’ve been told by a psychologist who does custody evaluations that few people in this profession will dare diagnose a Borderline in a custody evaluation report. This person has only done it once in a career spanning multiple decades, but knows that many of the parents in such evaluations probably do suffer from BPD. Custody evaluators believe that applying the BPD label will cause even more problems, thus they don’t do it even if it may mean the courts are misinformed as a result.

Discussing BPD With A Borderline Brings Out Aggression

I originally thought that by explaining to her that she may suffer from BPD due to her abusive childhood that I could motivate her to get help and that this would facilitate an improvement from her opening moves in the abusive divorce she initiated. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It only made things worse.

She had started with false domestic violence allegations, running away with our children, money, and records, getting a TRO (temporary restraining order) by falsely describing me as a murderous psychopath, and vastly escalating her distortion campaign. She had been attempting to alienate the children for years during the marriage. I thought this was all horrible, and it was.

But it got far worse after I told her about BPD, its connection with child abuse she suffered, and referred her to web sites and articles for her to learn about it. I first learned about BPD from a lawyer to whom I described my ex’s behaviors and quickly did a lot of research and found that it well explained her behaviors both against me and against her other victims. It also tied in very well with her abusive childhood. I thought she would understand this, too, and tried to position the BPD as something of which she is a victim and which she could work on for the benefit of our kids and herself.

She, like most people like her, has trouble hearing and understanding anything coming from a person at whom she is angry. Instead of being willing to listen and cooperate, she became even more aggressive, hostile, and dishonest. She moved not only against me but also against my parents with false police complaints and failed attempts to get TROs on them. She built a whole community of people, many of them gullible members of the many churches she manipulates, who participate in the parental alienation and distortion campaigns she runs to this day.

It wasn’t long before she made false accusations of child sexual abuse and succeeded at manipulating the government into banning me from all contact with our children for months. Even though it was later proven that she lied and taught the children to lie, too, there has never been any apology for what she and the government did. She has been rewarded amply for her crimes in so many ways. I think her friends and family still believe her lies even today as they are still helping her cause more damage, even in cases in which they are directly involving and harming the children to do it.

Your Defense Will Be Used Against You

I never expected this kind of reaction. As she escalated, I tried to defend the kids and myself from her, not understanding how skilled she was at twisting reality and controlling people. It is very difficult to maintain composure under such assault. I made some tactical mistakes, sometimes appearing too aggressive to the uninformed in my attempts to defend myself. This gave her openings to spin and twist reality to people who didn’t know what she had been doing for years, not just to me but to others, too.

She has amazing skills at spinning and distorting to create false impressions. Sometimes she resorts to simply fabricating “evidence” of her false claims. Other times, she will doctor documents that she then passes around to others to convince them I’m an evil dangerous person. She has persuaded many of her friends and family to perjure themselves for her, apparently because they feel sorry for her and believes her lies.

My attempts to defend us from her just gave her more ammunition. I thought the truth, when presented, would help stop the spread of her lies. But if you’ve seen these kinds of people in action for long and know all the details of what is going on, you understand that they are truly amazing propaganda and psychological warfare machines. Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi propaganda master, might have learned a trick or two from her.

I was no match for this, in large part because the courts do absolutely nothing to put a stop to it and my former attorney wasn’t willing to even try to go after her for repeated contempt of court. That attorney’s position was “don’t upset the judge” even if it meant my life would be ruined in the process of being a defenseless coward. Between the financial pressures of being pillaged by the divorce industry and the accumulating damage from not being properly represented, I dismissed that attorney and tried to go it alone. It took just a few days before my ex and her friends and lawyer staged more harassment incidents which they used to blame me and make me falsely appear to be a troublemaker. I wasn’t prepared for that, either.

If you are attacked like this and try to defend yourself from it, the courts will likely view you as the aggressor when in fact you’re not. They seem to expect the victims to just endure for years and do nothing to defend themselves as their lives are blown to bits with the constant barrage of devastating lies and attacks. Divorce industry “professionals” also fall readily into “truth is a popularity contest” thinking in which many gullible fools manipulated by a personality disordered abuser must be right simply because of sheer number. That is one of the major tactics of personality disordered abusers. Their ability to create communities of true believers by controlling access to information, fabricating, lying, distorting, spinning, and acting convinces others to become supporters. As the number of supporters increases, it creates the appearance that somebody who has so many supporters must be in the right.

In my experience, judges almost across the board lack the expertise to figure this out. They go with the “majority wins” thinking that typifies the rationale for exterminating, imprisoning, and persecuting American Indians, Australian Aborigines, German Jews, and victims of personality disordered abusers. If the American family law courts had been ruling on any of these historical matters, the genocide would have been complete in all cases given how they are doing a pretty spectacular job of persecuting the victims and aiding the abusers today.

I suspect that Bill Eddy’s latest thinking about how to avoid conflict in divorce, described in his book Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce, would have been very helpful to me at the time. Unfortunately, it was published years after my nightmare started, too late to help me. While I can’t relive the past to see if his ideas would have worked for me, perhaps some of them can be of help to you before your situation becomes as bad as mine.

If the book sounds interesting, you can read the first portion of it for free even if you don’t already own a Kindle Reader. Simply click on the “Free Kindle Reading Apps” ad to the left, download a reader for your computer, phone, or tablet, and set it up. Then click on the link to the book and look for the “send sample now” button on the right side of the Amazon page for the book. It’s below the “buy now” button on the upper right portion of the page. Click on it to let your Kindle Reader App download the sample so you can read it.

Further Reading

Borderline Personality Disorder and Parental Alienation Involve Similar Abusive Behaviors

How Sociopathic Parents Use Police Reports for Defamation

Welcome Back Pluto is Dr. Warshak’s New Parental Alienation Video for Kids and Parents

Escaping Sociopathic Abuse Almost Impossible When Children Are Involved

Extreme BPD / NPD Behaviors Are Internally Triggered

Stopping Parental Alienation Requires Family Court Reforms

Relationships and Divorces with Someone Who Suffers Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderlines Can Make You Feel Insane Via “Gaslighting”

Counteracting Tactics for Interfering With Custody and Visitation

Co-parenting With A Sociopath (Borderline, Narcissist, etc.)

Personality Disordered Abusers in Family Law Courts

Personality Disordered Abusers in Psychological Evaluations

Support for Family Members of Those With BPD

Why Narcissism and Other High Conflict Personalities Are On the Rise

The Ego Epidemic: Narcissism Is On the Rise

Divorce and High-Conflict People: Borderlines, Narcissists, Histrionics, Sociopaths and Other Persuasive Blamers

  1. one of thousands
    September 25th, 2010 at 19:02 | #1

    Another excellent article Angiemedia. I personally relate with these experiences and know of many more who have similar horror stories. Because BPD/NPD types inevitably blame others, they naturally assume the worst about others’ motivations. And given that assumption that others have the same motivations as they do (i.e., blame, attack, criticize, and harm the BPD/NPD) they respond as if the target of their harassment and abuse has the same motivations and intent. Result: more attacks, blame, criticism, and harm — even though the target probably doesn’t share these motives.

    Strangely, the disorder is self-escalating — I hate him/her, therefore she must hate me. I want to destroy him/her, therefore he/she must want to destroy me. So if he/she wants to destroy me, then I have to destroy him/her. So I’ll take the next step to destroy him/her (escalation) before he/she destroys me.

    Next step: Man, I did something really bad to that person, something that if they did it to me I’d retaliate. So that must mean they’re going to retaliate, so I better beat them to the punch before they hurt me (more escalation regardless of whether the target retaliates or intends on retaliating). Sure, they are talking peace, but if I were in their shoes I would be lying, so they must be lying. In fact, if I were in their shoes I’d be plotting to destroy me, so they must be plotting to destroy me. This means I need to protect myself from the (perceived but not necessarily real) threat they pose to me. So more attacks are necessary.

    It’s a rapidly-escalating conflict scenario driven entirely by the BPD/NPD’s projection of their own disorder onto the target. The result is an endlessly escalating spiral of terror and self-victimization likely driven entirely by the BPD/NPD.

    Far too common a scenario in family disputes. The truly sickening part is that courts, psychologists, etc. are entirely ineffective in recognizing and resolving these problems, and in fact encourage them, contributing to the damage they do. This governmental response is particularly disturbing given that they have readily-available tools to lessen the response such as, the Eddy group’s research, and abundant other tools. Why would government fail to address such a serious social harm? Ignorance, fear, and greed. The system is driven by fear (often hyped by sensational media accounts — media accounts that drive ratings and advertising revenue for media outlets), foisted upon ignorant actors (government employees or others with similarly weak credentials and little ability to think critically), and the clear incentive to earn dollars — tax revenue, DCSS/Title IV D dollars, and attorneys fees in frothing up the conflict.

    San Diego — indeed, America — our system is badly broken. It encourages predatory behavior, and punishes honesty, thought, and diligence. Things aren’t the way you were taught in civics class — the erosion in personal liberty and freedom is shocking. The republic earned by the blood shed of our ancestors is being frittered away by incompetent, ignorant, or just plain greedy actors.

    What to do? Vote out every incumbent judge. Put new, non-DA prosecutors in on the bench and in control of the guns and shields. Regular people who don’t have a thirst for power. It was said that George Washington had to be “dragged from the plow” to lead the greatest revolution in world history. We need new blood before people start spilling the old.

  2. Jeffersonian
    September 28th, 2010 at 16:19 | #2

    Kudos to “one of thousands”. Excellent piece on BPD and its continuous loop of events which almost never end.

    I especially enjoyed the point at the end whereby George Washington himself, had to be greatly encouraged to lead the revolution, as he was just a regular guy, wanting to tend to his farming, land, and house.

    How many Gov’t people today with unlimited power prefer to stay home and plow their fields? In 1826, Thomas Jefferson was sent a telegram from the White House to invite him to the 50th Anniversary of the Signing of Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence. However, Jefferson declined the invitation, not so much because of his senior years at the time, but more so because he did not want to be in the limelight and preferred to stay at home in Monticello and continue working on his lifelong passion, his home.

    Washington and Jefferson were real men. Men who valued the simplest things in life, because they understood that Governmental power should be very minimal, and personal liberties should be paramount. Today’s Government is an embarrassment to whom our Founding Fathers were, and everything they stood for.
    Rome was a Major World Power for centuries. But Rome also Fell, and crumbled to nothing.

    The U.S.A. is on that path to total destruction. Our industrial output, and quality of math and science graduates has been plummeting for years. It’s now at the lowest level in many years. We are declining rapidly. Social welfare programs do not replace strong work ethics and quality education programs to keep us the leader of the Free World. Social Equality programs were designed to take from those who have, and give to those who do not. Instead of implementing re-training, skill-building, and improving education, the Gov’t has implemented quick fix social re-channeling program that keeps people down, and only gives them the idea that they can get something for nothing, and that the Gov’t owes them something.

    Wake up America. We are declining rapidly. Corruption in our courts contribute greatly to this downfall.

  3. January 1st, 2011 at 22:01 | #3

    so does this mean the personlity disorders are growing i have bpd if it is growing why is this what is causing this is it just the fast pace the world is going at the moment and buzyer lives and less sociliseing instaed people are turning to facebook etc

  4. Anthony Peterson
    January 14th, 2011 at 04:54 | #4

    Police departments are not prepared to handle manipulative custodial parents. I used to call the local precinct of my daughter if I knew I would be late in returning my child. On one occasion I was physically attacked by my ex and with scars on me the NY housing police didn’t arrest my ex. This only fuelled her manipulation. In front of the judge, with scars still visible, the judge wouldn’t look at my scars claiming it could be from anything. And just as I told him I have a witness, he tried to halt me but I continued toward the courtroom door to let in my witness. In that instant he dismissed the case (likely for lack of evidence). It sickened me to watch his narcissistic smirk as I looked at him. Judge Guy P. DePhillips has failed his aspiring actions in the appellant court and is no longer a judge. Its too late to fix my non-existing relationship with my daughter. As a result, my anger towards his acts and my pain never leaves me.

  5. Anthony Peterson
    January 14th, 2011 at 05:05 | #5

    Good point of view, but I prefer to use the word Framers, not founders, since a government of native tribes coexisted by forming treaties. These tribes had internal political systems that shaped tribal policy. Since I am of African and Native descent, I squinched when you stated the framers were real men, preferring to tend to their homes and land. I’m not offended, just, even in this modern age of information, bewildered at the continual mischaraterization of the past.

  6. anthony peterson
    January 22nd, 2013 at 07:38 | #6

    @ one of thousands
    Thumbs up…ur insightful conveyance deserves more exposure. It took me awhile to realize some bpd/npd as factors (ex and presiding judge) in my visitation case w my daughter 23 yrs ago. Initially i considered my ex an angry bitch and the judge a thug in a robe…..and correct i was. A couple of co-incidental acts on my part kept me for serious harm but nothin to facilitate my relationship w my daughter even to this day. I truely dont know where she is or if she is alive.

  7. discerning
    July 6th, 2015 at 03:39 | #7

    These BPD trash need to be burned alive.

  8. November 17th, 2015 at 21:12 | #8

    I find it amazing that the BPD is not more widely recognised for the damage that it causes to the family. I didn’t know about this disorder when I was going through my divorce and the damage my ex wife has caused to the relationship of my daughter and so many people that my daughter should know like her grandparents on my side. My daughter has blindly believed every distorted story my ex has dished out. Even to the extent that my modest Christmas gifts are a form of bribing my daughter.

    I had a brief encounter with the family court but I was very dismayed when I was the applicant and the magistrate ended up stopping my from going to my daughters school and basically had no intention of listening to my complaint. My ex walked out with gloating and my experience was that the father is guilty unless proved innocent.

    I am glad my new partner works in the mental health industry and I now know about the extent on BPD and its now becoming more recognised as a mental illness. Hopefully the courts take more notice and do something to protect the children from the damage it causes.

    For any fathers like me that are completely alienated from their children I am starting a blot that hopefully one day my daughter will read and understand her and her were the victims of a parent with a BPD. Its a good way to show your alienated child who you are and what you her family are doing. Just set up a Google gmail account and use the free blogger site to build your blog. Just remember to keep it light and be the good parent that you want to be.
    See the blog here:
    Tara Murphy Perth

  9. Andrew Gates
    July 13th, 2016 at 12:45 | #9

    You also run the risk of mistaking sociopathy for BPD, like I did. They said leave the room when an incident unfolds. I tried, and was chased out of it. Try reading about BPD and Sociopathy at the same time. Telling a Sociopath you believe something is wrong can seal your fate as it did me. After this begins, it doesn’t look like BPD anymore, but you may not have the ability to make that realization as the violence unfolds.

  1. February 26th, 2012 at 20:40 | #1
  2. February 28th, 2012 at 08:31 | #2
  3. July 23rd, 2012 at 22:25 | #3
  4. December 7th, 2015 at 16:03 | #4
  5. April 24th, 2016 at 21:10 | #5

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