How to Spot a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Mrs. Treasures’ article on “How to Spot a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder” might help some of you avoid unknowingly getting involved in a relationship that is almost certain to be a very difficult one.

How to Spot a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder
You just met the girl of your dreams. But you feel some level of discomfort in the situation. The article spots the red flags. She might have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Click for full article:
How to Spot a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder

The article does a really good job painting the progressive phases of the relationship with a Borderline.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know what BPD is until we’ve had children with a Borderline. Having children with one seems to often trigger abandonment issues, and that leads to really nasty divorces including being harassed by false accusations and other dirty tricks that are part of the classic BPD distortion campaign.

If you think a friend or family member might be dating or have married a Borderline, please let them know about this article. It may literally save a life.

  1. JR
    May 19th, 2010 at 00:49 | #1

    What can I say this article reveals what I had suspected as the result of the negative way I was and still am being treated by my ex. Everything said in this article and your website about the BPD personality is exactly as I experienced it with her then and now.

    Thank you for helping me to realize that people like her really are suffering from a devestating and debilitating desease which eventually will destroy the family and sadly will adversely affect the child.

    Just to give you a tidbit; she walked away on her own back in 2003 with the intentions of hooking back up with an old ex-boyfriend whom she eventually married (she accidentally left behind his telephone number on a sheet of paper I found under our master bed). The day she left she was carrying my daughter in her tummy (she was 7 months pregnant). I had just got us into a new home after dropping out of college in my senior year and traveling one thousand miles to come to be with her and my child. Within 7 months of me giving everything up to make it right in the best interest of our family and children she made her getaway to her new boyfriend.

    Five years later in 2008 she sues me for child support. I have had no visitations with my children in 7 years, it is now May 2010. Fear of having to deal with a such a vindictive and mentally unstable individual and (as you already know all too well) having to deal with a biased and therefore corrupt family court system has kept me from taking any action; because as you so clearly reveal here about these types of personalities -they- can- be- disastrously- harmful- when- angered.

    I chose the path of no contact, also, because I had very little faith that anyone really cared. But the first sad fact of the matter is that people who suffer from these illnesses are protected by a corrupt and self ingratiating family court system of which Carol Rhodes aptly reveals. The second is that the people who work in this corrupt system and who are mostly and purposely inflicting mental and emotional distress on innocent parents- are human- just like us and they too often must live with familiar situations when they face similar circumstances.


  2. Atlanta One
    May 31st, 2010 at 21:58 | #2

    Accurate article…good luck to my younger brother as he is going to need it…being married to an “acting out” BPD is not easy…

  3. Jerri
    July 10th, 2010 at 14:55 | #3

    F*ck you. Not all BPD suffers are like this. Why would you stereo type people like that?

  4. July 12th, 2010 at 21:15 | #4

    This is so true, my husband’s daughter has this illness, and she has done a great job at distorting her family, as if she didn’t come from her family. It is sad for her. It doesn’t affect me, and my husband has well, left it alone, I just feel bad for the new targets in her life, she will hurt them eventually because she is so torn inside.

  5. July 12th, 2010 at 22:13 | #5

    And most BPDs do act like the article states, they hate themselves and are very jelous of everyone. Your best bet is to leave a borderline alone, let the mama’s whom squeezed that out deal with that, and hopefully they have a normal mama!!! I’m sorry to say, but I left my borderline stepdaughter alone, not my problem, she is someone else’s curse.

  6. Susan Keeton
    November 5th, 2010 at 01:32 | #6

    There is truth to this “article” but the problem is there are SO many variables to every diagnosis, every human being, every situation and unfortunately for the people trying to live a healthy, productive life that gets lumped together with Glen Close and the dead rabbit – the odds get worse. I have been in intense therapy for quite some time now and I’d seriously challenge most of you who have decided that because of your personal situation you’re qualified to spew more bile and cause NOTHING but damage to others you know NOTHING about. I’m thankful to have this diagnosis. It has obviously opened my mind to suffering from both the receiving and originating ends of this disorder. Bone up on your boundary skills – I sure have.

  7. Jaizzee
    November 27th, 2010 at 22:28 | #7

    Having met and dealt with 2 ladies with this problem, I have some advice for you. First, let me explain why I ran into and keep running into them: If you’re a nice guy, ambitious and going somewhere with your life, you are their “Prince”… “Savior”.. “Dream-come-true”. It’s you they’ve been looking for all their life! Once you hear those words, she’s likely BPD.

    How she will get you sucked in will be to mirror your lifestyle. Your passion and lifestyle is hers.. She automatically becomes the girl you’re looking for! (I’m ROFL right now..LOL)

    Soon.. pretty soon, she can’t pretend and act like you anymore.. So you see who she really is and that turns you off. You then fail to meet her needs and desires as you’d been doing when you thought she was your kind of girl…and then you have become her worst enemy. All she’s waiting for now is a form of replacement for you and she’ll treat you so bad that you might end up crying..if you weren’t ready for it. They live from one rebound to the next rebound.. sometimes, returning to an ex- of 5 years or more.

    Your role now: Know yourself!.. Don’t let her heartless, wicked actions get you feeling bad. She came into your life to leave eventually..and she’s gone. So, live happy.. If you have to go to court for the child you had with her (BIG mistake on your side..but I guess you didn’t know), go there, pay what you have to pay, don’t argue with her, just act as if she’s winning and making your life miserable. That makes her feel good about herself but you know better. You know yourself. Be happy that nature has removed this burden from you and you’re free emotionally. Celebrate man!!!
    –from experience.

  8. Sean R
    April 21st, 2011 at 03:35 | #8

    Sounds like you are borderline Jerri??? Having dated one for two years of pure hell!! I just how destructive they are….. Liars, Cheaters and Manipulators, to be avoided at all costs

  9. Ray S
    May 10th, 2011 at 11:02 | #9

    I have been married to one for eight years. She has been cheating on me for 4. We just finalized our divorce. Jaizzee advice is good agree on something fair as far as child support or visitation and don’t argue. We actually did an uncontested divorce and it went smoothly. The best thing to do is never to contact them again. It is hard for me because of my son and having to see her 3-4 times a week.

    Jaizzee is correct. They play the poor me victim role perfectly. Usually telling you their tragic life story very early in a relationship. They are looking for a hero a rescuer. This is called idealization. They make you the center of their universe and because they have no sense of self or identity they become the person they think you want them to be. They are masterful actors and manipulators. They will worship you and be jealous and clingy until you do something that makes them decide you are not the person they wanted (could be anything, for me I believe it was a golf vacation for a week with friends, they can’t be alone and take it as abandonment. ) then they deflate or devalue you and find a replacement. They will discard you and make you feel horrible after that, the trouble is instead of leaving they will stay with you so they can take revenge on you. BPD are love addicts themselves and cannot be without a relationship. They do not feel whole because of no sense of self without someone else. Example of their abandonment issue is She told me if she sees me dating there will be hell to pay for me and for the girl.

    The problem is people like myself that get hooked up with Borderlines especially for 9 years need help and have issues ourselves. This may include either being codependants or love addicts, or even narcissists.

  10. VRT
    September 25th, 2011 at 05:33 | #10

    So we can males can avoid you bpd waifs/Renshaws…? No drama queen bvd stalkers?

  11. cuatezon
    May 7th, 2012 at 02:06 | #11

    Thank you for this website. This and Dr. Palmtier’s website & all the info, comments have saved my life. We all make mistakes, even do things that inadvertently hurt others. I have defects. Yet I know one thing for sure…I don’t ever enjoy having hurt someone; if I know I’ve done something hurtful I feel really bad & try to make amends and make it right. BPDs, on the other hand, ENJOY HURTING PEOPLE. They enjoy conflict, they thrive in the drama & ‘action’. Its a form of thrill seeking for them I think. They are on the sociopath spectrum. Run, run, run from BPDs…

  12. Patrick
    July 14th, 2013 at 18:01 | #12

    My Girlfriend Jessica Frances Crew has this, I just know it. She is so out of control. Her parents dont know what to do with her. I dont either. She also put me in a bad situation that i could go to jail for.

  13. August 29th, 2013 at 13:58 | #13

    I want to know how to extract my son out of one of these relationships. He is losing his sanity being married to her. And he has been gaslighted, threatened and psychologically beat down so much, he doesn’t see it for what it is anymore. Could someone please give me some advice. Most websites say there is nothing we can do. But I’m afraid if we don’t get him out soon, he will be dead, or lost mentally. Please someone give me some kind of advice!

  14. Daphne
    February 12th, 2015 at 20:47 | #14

    @Susan Keeton
    What are the variables in being fundamentally hurt by a person who should take care of you? Different colours of bile?

  15. Daphne
    February 12th, 2015 at 20:49 | #15

    Get a lawyer specialized in stalker issues. And document everything. Tape it, record it.

  16. Daphne
    February 12th, 2015 at 20:51 | #16

    All cluster B disorders are potentially very dangerous. Sad but true. It’s also very sad when people want to believe that all women are angels. Society needs to learn and fast. But I see changes.

  17. andy
    June 14th, 2015 at 12:47 | #17

    I am 6 months out of a marriage with my BPD wife. I know it was the right decision to leave intellectually, but because of my loss issues, I still miss her and blame myself for the marriage not working. Two years ago I had cancer surgery. Five days after the surgery, she was upset with me and said I was thoughtless not to ask her if she needed to use the bedroom to masturbate since I had been home from the hospital. Still hard to fathom she actually did that and I could never look at her the same since that point. But how do I get over missing her and blaming myself at times for not making the marriage work?

  18. Ray
    November 13th, 2016 at 14:52 | #18

    Replace her with other women, who appreciate US GREAT MEN, who provided great life styles, and beautiful family. Remember gents there are plenty of fish she is not the last, so grow some balls , work out, get new close, look good, make a shit load of money, when they get used and abused, by others, they will end up owning a cat!
    Thank GOD every day that the psychology bitch is no where near you, stay away from the Pilsen, who destroyed young children’s (our kids lives). GOD help them and have extend your grace, and heal the sick!

  19. Nope
    January 2nd, 2017 at 03:23 | #19

    Because this entire site is a hive mind of age-old stigma against people with mental illness. It’s a great center for people who are too self-absorbed to want to look into the experiences of anyone else when they can look out for themselves and vilify others. It’s a fucking cancer.

  20. Mas
    January 17th, 2018 at 03:44 | #20

    This made me very sad to read. As a person who suffers from bpd herself this is absolutely devastating. Especially to be referred to as a curse.. I understand every single person on this board who has vilified borderlines has been hurt deeply and torn asunder by one. I understand, the active borderline is a devil.. I was once one. I was undiagnosed and absolutely insane..
    But there is one thing every single person on here needs to understand. Borderlines are in an almost constant turmoil of deep emotional pain that constantly burns them like hellfire.. Most were likely traumatized as children which is why so many may act that way. A traumatized child who never received proper help or counseling becomes the borderline adult.
    I can attest to the fact that my illness hurt many people when it was in it’s prime.. I carry A deep level of shame for all the hurts I caused before I got a grip on and began to better understand the disorder and understand myself. My past has driven me to a solitary life, until I can become 100% better, I refuse to subject anyone else to my demons. But I can become better because I have.. My former self Is now just a shadow that stands behind me. And with every positive choice I make to better myself, the smaller it becomes.
    I certainly never got off on hurting people or being a shit starter. It happened because of being unable to control my emotions.. I never made a conscious decision to screw everything up back then.. It just happened. And believe me, I did feel shitty when it happened. I wasn’t sitting in the background like some evil villain cackling maniacally going, ‘look at all the problems I caused! This is great! I totally love losing control of my emotions and watching people squirm and try to pick up the shattered peices! Let’s see what I can do to make them even tinier!!! Hahaha!!’
    Fuck no!!
    I felt worse than any person could ever feel. I didn’t understand why I was like this.. And why I kept doing these things and hurting even worse because I was hurting the ones I loved. I didn’t choose to be a steamroller you know.. I was a traumatized person dealing with trauma the only way they knew how..
    I’m sorry to hear the borderlines in your lives have brought you to such a state that forces you to group all of us into one cursed, unworthy, unlovable box that you want to tie a rock to and watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean.
    But the fact is, we are people. Broken people but still human beings who are worthy of love and to be cared enough about to be understood and helped instead of cast aside and treated like a virus. Being a borderline in recovery has given me the ability to write calmly and peacefully to people like you, in hopes that you can begin to understand and maybe help the borderline in your life.
    And btw @Ray, I do have a cat.

  21. Walter
    October 2nd, 2018 at 14:31 | #21

    Wow from my experience you just said it all. I suffered for 21 years with a BDP wife who, for the longest time, I thought had intense anger issues. she also dragged our 18 year old daughter through the muck. Retaining lawyers 2 times but I didn’t trust the court system and was afraid of her being alone for extended time with our daughter so I stayed.
    She has 7 of the 9 traits as, just recently, I have learned all I can about this terrible affliction.
    When our daughter went away to college just 1 month ago I pulled the trigger on separation and wanting a divorce. BTW she caused a total scene went we brought our daughter up to college, berating us both and leaving early with the car so we had to Uber around and I flew home.
    The sad irony is now she is incredibly contrite, begging for one last chance as finally she admits she may be BPD and is getting help.
    I just wanted out of this nightmare but now I feel so guilty because she has huge abandonment issues ( my daughter and myself gone, I moved out) and am afraid she might hurt herself as BPD’s have a high suicide rate.
    I know she has a good heart in there but I am so PTSD myself plus right now I am being idolized which I know won’t last. I don’t even want that standard, I’m just a regular guy.
    It’s a tragic illness for all involved and, although she has done some horrific things, her lack of impulse control has caused them. Does it excuse her no, just like a drunk driver killing someone. I don’t know what’s doing to happen but I so hope she continues to get help. I know DBT, mindfulness and psychotherapy can and does help a lot.
    I pray for her every day but I just don’t know if I have it left in me to walk the long road to recovery with her.

  22. Walter
    October 2nd, 2018 at 15:19 | #22

    Thank you for all you said I hope and pray the best for you.

  23. TheGirlInside2018
    August 6th, 2019 at 17:43 | #23

    Pray. Pray like your life depends on it. And never, never give up. Even if he cuts ties with you for a bit. Never stop fighting for him. You may be just planting a seed today, that won’t sprout, or at least not in front of you, but still plant the seed. Till the soil. Water it and wait for the harvest.

  24. TheGirlInside2018
    August 6th, 2019 at 17:50 | #24

    Thank you for your openness, and for getting healed. Unfortunately, many BPD / Cluster B’s are literally terrified of looking into that ‘inner void’ and seeing something wrong with themselves, so never seek help, or seek help only to manipulate a relationship, or start but then quit when things start to get uncomfortable (they see personal responsibility as an attack against their sense of self, and fear that they will not survive).
    I suspect that I may have been ‘somewhat’ BPD in the past, but have gone through extensive counseling and worked on myself. I understand that you never ‘intended’ to hurt people, but the after effects are the same, regardless of your intent. And I hope you don’t in turn ‘villify’ those who need help or to get away from / stay away from BPDs. We all need to take responsibility for our own mental health as adults.
    Please do what you can to continue to speak candidly on the topic, and maybe reach out to other BPDs and help them; tell your story. You’ll be helping entire families!!
    Best of luck to you!

  25. Vicky
    December 24th, 2019 at 14:58 | #25

    Borderline personality disordered chics are psycho, no doubt. Too bad they’re often wild sirens. Super sexy, seductive, beguiling, and dangerous. Hard to ignore, they are often sensual and Beautiful. This applies to male borderline personalities also – highly sexed and “beautiful” (even for a male). Think Angelina Jolie, she’s been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Dark, dangerous, and seductive.

    However, for all their magnetism, vanity, and sensuality, individuals with BPD are very difficult to live with, male or female. Relationships with borderlines (and narcissists) are often tumultuous and volatile. Partners of those with a Cluster B personality disorder, especially BPD or NPD, can never win or do anything right in the minds of their disordered partners. Both narcissists and borderlines are impulsive, lacking in empathy, vain, vindictive, and manipulative.

    The end of a relationship with one of these personality types can be an extremely difficult and dangerous for the non-personality disordered partner (often a co-dependent). If children are involved, it can be even more stressful. Both narcissists and borderlines engage in underhanded tactics and parental alienation. In comparison to narcissists, however, borderline personalities are more likely to make false accusations of rape, abuse (including child abuse), or allegations of neglect/infidelity/substance abuse and other claims to tarnish their former partner’s reputation. This risk is increased especially if histrionic and paranoid personality traits are present.

    More than narcissists, mothers with BPD may oscillate between over-involved, intrusive behaviors and withdrawn, avoidant behaviors. These behaviors may also manifest as oscillations between hostile control and coldness. Mothers with BPD may engage in nonsupportive responses to their children’s emotional displays (Johnson et al., 2006). When these children are later faced with situations that provoke negative emotions, they may learn to suppress the emotional expression while still experiencing heightened physiological arousal (Gross & Levenson, 1997).

    Mothers with BPD may have difficulty consistently monitoring and supervising their children, vacillating between using harsh punishment strategies to control their children to laissez-faire, permissive strategies that provide little guidance for their children. Thus, a related target for intervention with this population will be to train mothers in how to effectively monitor, supervise and set limits with their child (c.f. Koestner, Ryan, Bernieri, & Holt, 2006).

  1. March 13th, 2010 at 22:20 | #1
  2. March 30th, 2010 at 02:45 | #2
  3. March 30th, 2010 at 02:49 | #3

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